God was Murdered

   Here we meet again. If you have forgotten me, let me rekindle your hopeless memory. I'm the radio jockey girl {Aashima Talwar} who drinks, smokes, parties till 3am, wears short dresses, dances with boys, have had 5 odd boyfriends & no, I'm not a virgin. And I'm smokin HOT.   I'm the perfect girlfriend material - and the worst marriage material. That's what the boys say.   It is 9.47pm by the wall-clock. I've just woken up after sleeping for 19 hours {21 hours is my personal record}. I'm sitting on the floor drinking black coffee. Coffee sucks. But my roommate Farheen {she's virgin...ha ha} says i gotta drink this. Shitty black coffee (no sugar) works miracles on a head spinning with Hangover.   So how did I achieve the 21st hangover of my life? Here's how:   Y'day I was sitting at home bored to death watching the re-runs of 'How I Met Your Mother'. So, I called my best fr...

“Death reveals much more about us than life ever can. Of all things – Death fascinates us mortals like nothing else – their departure made me think of death – To me death is magical rather than morbid – its inspirational – inevitable & in death we’re gone – what remains is what we did when our hearts still pumped – life is truly a gift, like a brand new car – for me death is the fuel to its engine – coz I know one day fuel will run out & I’ll be ashes or buried beneath – it inspires me to not be afraid – to listen to my voice – to trash all tried & tested wisdom – smash the paradigm – and become what I set out to be & not live within a bubble. Money doesn’t fascinate me – bringing about a change does – girls in short skirts & perfect rack don’t get me hard – girls who want to risk & be ready to fall flat on face & get up & walk the same road all over again – do – My family doesn’t inspire me – Inequality pushes me to b...

Last 2 months of my life have been awful (to put it mildly). How so? Here's how: 1. My mom kicked me outta her house. Here's her kind parting words: "Don't you ever come back, loser" 2. NDTV 'clicked' me peeing on the convent girls school's side-wall & now I'm the poster boy of the program: 'Uncivilized Youth' and have come to be popularly known as: "The Bastard who pees on walls" 3. I'm jobless (since KJo doesn't need me to cover for him on 'Koffee with Karan' anymore, sucks) & I'm living with my schizophrenic grandmother (no one else wants me & hotels creep me out) 4. Even my not-so-hot-totally-religious-no-sex girlfriend broke up with me coz she made a deal with 'her' god to never see me again (A classic 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan' after-shock) 5. And the worst: I've been sued for sexual harrassment - no, not by some dumbass girl. I've been sued for sexual harrassment by...

Fuck – This is the one word that we’re always told not to use – It is uncivil – It is rude - so we’ve been brainwashed. Yet it continues to fall off our tongue persistently – perfunctorily – pathologically. Our – oddly includes those too who lecture against it – condemn it in broad daylight with their lungis tied up, tiger moustaches twisted like Billy Bowden’s crooked finger, in their bombastic empty rhetoric. Does that make us all hypocrites? – Never by admission – that would defeat the purpose – wouldn’t it? We’re happy to say the 4-letter word when – we’re sad – bored – have committed the most heinous crime – found the coveted treasure – got nothing else to say – The god damn word is ubiquitous in our lives. Strangely - It doesn’t get any credit for its momentous contribution to the human race & fuelling the economy . No! That was no typo – The word contributes to Economy & creates Employment. Brands like FCUK   – apparently the acronym breaks into - ...

Tomorrow I’m getting married to this girl, Anjali, who is loved by everyone in my family – but me. Actually I can’t say that because I don’t even know her - I’ve only met her once with fifteen other people from our families. She’s kind of fat & I’m wafer thin. But my father thinks I’ll grow into her. I love him. By the way before I forget – I’m Rowan Shaw – my name is utterly misleading. I’m no descendant of Sir George Bernard Shaw; neither do I have any relations with Mr. Rowan Atkinson a/k/a Mr. Bean. I’m not even Caucasian or Christian - I’m desi – I’m Gujarati. Every frickin bone. My real name was Rohan Shah but as my family moved to Los Angeles when I was eleven – my father decided to ‘upgrade’ us. He upgraded his name from Jayesh Shah to Joyous Shaw & my mother’s name changed from Archana Shah to Archie Shaw & so on. I completed High School with distinction. I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the class but I shone through hard work. My father wo...

Yeh chalte hai, phirtey hai, bin bulaye hi aah jaate hai Nahi poochtey kissise kuch, apne mann ki manmaani kiye jaate hai Kabhi pahadoh ki tarah oohnche ho jaate hai Par phir bhi jo kehne aaye thay woh keh nahi paatey hai Fir kabhi bin kahe hi sab kuch, bayah kar jaatey hai Inhi ki oon se toh zindagi buni hai Inhi ki gohnd zindagi judi hai Inhi ki syaahi se zindagi likhi hai Inhi ki gaanth se zindagi bandhee hai Fir kabhi ussi oon mein uljhee padi hai Fir kabhi ussi gohnd se ukhdee padi hai Fir kabhi ussi syaahi mein doobi padi hai Fir kabhi ussi gaanth se tooti padi hai Kabhi woh kehtey hai tu sahi, kabhi woh inhe galat kehte hai Arre inn alfazoh ko kya pata, yeh toh bus zubah keh zariyeh bayah ho jaatey hai Kehte hai wohi joh theek lagey, naahi yeh sahi ya galat samajh paatey hai Kabhi koi kehta hai yeh mat kaho Kabhi koi kehta hai woh mat kaho Duniya ke oosooloh ki rassi, alfaazoh ka galah ghontee jaati hai Kaun hai jisne banaye yeh niyam, Ko...

The Final Frontier – The Day Manchester City ‘Arrived’ City dominated most of the season, only to slip away in the final quarter. Then came the greatest gift - United threw away 8-point advantage in a totally uncharacteristic way. So here we're on the last day of English Premier League on Mother's Day (13th May 2012) - Equation is simple - City to beat QPR and lift the coveted trophy for the first time in 44 years. Actually it was simpler than simple - here's why Coming into the match City had won 22 of 23 matches & drawn the other at Etihad - Etihad was fortress unbreached -- And QPR, a bottom-4 team had lost 6 matches on the trot away from home. And City had beaten {not even dropped a point} to any of the bottom-9 teams this season. So odds of QPR capsizing the City ship were higher than Titanic had 100 years ago - but didn't Titanic sink - Well not so fast - let the games begin. Sport is not mathematical - it is no science - Hi...

 --- Nothing binds people like Alcohol - It is the most complete product of human civilization. Except for pregnancy (a.k.a stupidity) it suits all weathers of life - Sad, Horny, Happy, Suicidal, PMS, Screwed, Constipated, Bipolar or feeling awesome(ly) Sexy - Alcohol never fails you in any of these precious moments of life I hear tons of praise for cocaine & hash & how cool they're - but I'm not into snorting/smoking/injecting - I mean no disrespect to all the fuckers who do -- total respect from the bottom of my heart Karan & Me had become chaddi-buddies after the Bin Laden episode - The rare interview had brought the house down - The ratings of 'Koffee with Karan' had touched unprecedented heights - This brought Me & Karan closer {No! not in the sexual way} I was feeling depressed, Tanya had dumped me for a richer, balder, uglier, fatter guy {uncle}. I hadn't even cheated on her like I did with (all) my ex-girlfriends - I k...