Yo Yo Honey Singh (Koffee with Karan: Valentine's Day Special)
10th-Feb: Woke up at 1pm, Ate 4 half-fried eggs, watched Big Bang Theory. Slept at 1am
11th-Feb: Woke up at 1pm, Ate 4 half-fried eggs, watched Dexter. Slept at 1am
12th-Feb: Woke up at 1pm, Ate 4 half-fried eggs, watched How.IMY.Mother. Slept at 1am
13th-Feb: Woke up at 1pm, Ate 4 half-fried eggs, watched Modern Family. Slept at 1am
14th-Feb: Woke up at 1pm.....................................................................Frockin Hell...I hate 14th-Feb
Only day & year changes, my story remain the same. Here it was. The dreaded Valentine's Day 2013. I was date-less. Nothing new for me. Girls don't hate me. They don't see me. For them I do not exist.
I'm the greatest girl repellent. If Baygon™ ever made girl repellant. They will use my blood specimen to manufacture this magnificent concoction. This magic-spray will destroy Taser & pepper spray manufacturers.
Simple Instructions of Use for Girls: Spray it on yourself & every rapist will run away from you.
I'll become millionaire overnight, courtesy royalties. Sipping dry martinis with Zuckerberg & Spielberg.
Let's get back to the grim reality of my life.
I left home & reached Hauz Khas village around 3 in the afternoon. Too many girls & too darn hot. Damn it was a hot winter day. Giggling, gossiping, looking gorgeous & flicking hair of their ugly boyfriends. I took a sharp turn & stormed into the park with the dilapidated fort & the sexy lake. And there she was. My Valentine. My Zoë
I bought two hot dogs. Zoë & me love hot dogs. We've been friends for a while but this was special. Today she was my Valentine. I swear I was thankful. She's kinda fun to hang with. Before I forget, let me tell you Zoë is a bitch. She's a female dog.
We were sitting with the swans, sipping our coca colas. Someone gayishly tapped my shoulder. I turned my empty head. A skinny sardarji was slouching over me. It is rare to see a skinny Sikh.
"Haan Ji Sardarji"
"It's me"
"Me who?"
"Karan"
"Karan, what the fuck"
"Had to disguise bro. People recognize me & shit" KJo said
"Of course you're a legend............The greatest gay legend India has ever had"
"And ever will" he added.
"So, what up"
"I want you to interview Yo Yo Honey Singh. What say?"
"Are you frickin kidding me. Yo Yo Honey Singh. Wow. Whatz your deal?"
"Mom. She thinks he's vulgar, sexist & she doesn't like his hair"
"Hey, I love his hair"
"And I love him. But no way I'm gonna argue with my Mom-Mom"
"Mom-Mom"
"That's what I call her"
"Fascinating, Anyway when do I interview him?"
"In an hour"
"Fuck me dead. The flight to Bombay takes an hour and a half"
"We're doing it here, in Delhi. In Defence Colony. I got a makeshift set made for this"
"Alright. But I can't ditch my bitch" KJo glanced at her. "She's Zoë" I introduced. They shook hands-paws
Karan assured me "You won't have to". And we were off in his Bentley.
In an hour we were ready for the kill. KJo & Zoë sat in the adjacent room sipping & sucking on Moët & Chandon (expensive-crap champagne). Yo Yo Honey Singh arrived on the sets in a shiny-green shirt, showing plenty cleavage. We shook hands & kicked off.
"This is Honey Singh istyle"
"Seriously bro. Anyway, Yo Yo. Are you a misogynist?
"I don't even know what that means"
"Are you sexist?" I clarified
"Bilkul nahi. Absolutely not ji" he rubbished it.
"Do you hate women"
"No, I love women. Well, girls not auntie jis" he chuckles & continues
"I respect them - mainly for walking in high heels. I mean no man can do that thing bro"
"Well said Pahji"
"Don't call me Pahji. It makes me sound old. I'm 28"
"Sorry ji"
"Mention not ji. I've in fact written songs to liberate women from social & cultural bias"
"Really"
"Bilkul ji, my song Brown rang is dedicated to all girls who aren't fair & yet how beautiful they are. It is my tribute to our desi brown rang"
"Bloody hell you're right. Honey Singh. I respect you bro" his chest starts to swell with pride.
I continue. "But I've few examples with me which showcase otherwise, let me read out few lines from your song Dope Shope: Chucko Chucko Kuch Fresh Nahi Milna. Chucko Chucko" He laughs. "Isn't that sexist & degrading to women" I ask
He responds confidently "I'm merely stating what is happening around us. Girls aren't virgin anymore before marriage"
"Do you want a virgin wife?"
"I'm already married dude. Tere ghar akhbar nahi aata"
"Congrats Yo Yo"
"Thank you ji"
"Here's another line from your song Break up Party: Ja karle tu usse shaadi, Fir shuru teri barbaadi, Dhoyegi tu kachche, Aur gande bartann"
"This is the True Story of women in our country'
"That they wash Kachche"
"Yes. Once honeymoon in Paris is over. Gandey Kachche is all they got. Society has problems. I'm telling you what they're. I'm the messenger of god"
"Wow. Ok. In Delhi your new year eve's show was cancelled as they blamed you for Delhi gang-rape"
"I got raped"
"When"
"Oye not really yaar. I mean by accusing me, they raped me indirectly"
"So you deny influencing society in a bad way"
"I'm just a musician. Nobody cared for me for 10 years & now that I'm popular. I'm evil."
"Are you going to file a defamation lawsuit against these people"
"Oye nahi yaar. Let the dogs bow-bow. I will do what I do. Make great songs"
"You recently disowned your own great songs"
"Which songs"
"Ch#@% & Balatkari"
"They're not mine"
"I know Balatkari isn't but Ch#$% sure is. I know, you know, rickshawala knows it. And Akon loves it"
"He does" he gets excited but immediately realizes his mistake. "Oops. I don't want to talk about it" he raises his hands.
"Fair enough. You said apart from Michael Jackson, nobody comes close to you"
"Koi Shak"
"What about Eminem"
"Eminem Paaji toh great hai. I'm new. I meant I will be the greatest. You'll see. Give me 10 years"
"Your album International Villager was awesome. When is your next awesome album coming out"
"11-12-13"
"11th December 2013. You really like big dates"
"My publicist insists on them"
"I hear the name of your new album is: Whores of Hoshiarpur"
"So So Sexy Singh"
"Are you changing your name"
"No, that's the name of my new album: So So Sexy Singh"
"I like it" we give each other hi-fives. I continue "You also starred in a punjabi film: Mirza the untold story"
"It was wonderful. Next I will work in Hollywood"
"What about Bollywood"
Yo Yo laughs so hard that he slips off the chair & starts rolling on the floor. He finally settles down. Sits back on the chair. He explains "I'm too good for Bollywood". Now I laugh & roll all over the floor.
"How did you become a musician?"
"I always loved music. Then, I went to Trinity College in England to learn music. That's how I became professional"
"You were a music producer. How did you start to rap"
"Once I was in the toilet, singing random stuff I had thought of. I had left the bathroom window open. Gippy Paaji heard me rap. He told me I will be the greatest rapper since Baba Sehgal"
"Hell, he was right"
"Except that Baba wasn't great. I'll be. I'll be a Legend"
"You sound full of yourself"
"Thats coz I'm so good. I'm the Prince of Punjab. Raja of Rap'"
"True, you were the biggest thing to happen to 2012 after Lance Armstrong crashed from being an Angel to Demon.
"Who is Lance Armstrong?"
"Nevermind. How come you don't have a date for V-day"
"I'm a married man now"
"Do you love her?"
"I hope so man"
"Respect, it was wonderful to have you on the show"
"Same to same ji" We both smiled as he squeezed my tiny hand. He left in his shiny Jaguar. Boom boom. Whoosh.
Mid-night 14th Feb 2013. Me crawled up in my cozy-cozy bed. I wrote:
"I do not know if I'll be with Zoë, KJo or Yo Yo on 14th Feb 2014. I do not know if I'll even be alive. But frankly, it doesn't frocking matter. I've lived & I'll live till I'm alive. Coz once I'm dead. I'm frickin dead. So live & be as awesome as you can be. Be as pain-in-the-ass as you can be. And as Lenka says: I want to be "Everything at once"
Be.
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