White TIGER KILLED the Brown Boy

FBI Warning: No vodka, marijuana, dairy products or chicken was consumed during the production of this gourmet article. This article does not promise any communal violence, if any occurs, will be purely coincidental. It does contain overdoses of insensitivity & India-bashing, which may result in my bashing & my house being pelted with assorted cheap vegetables & worn flip-flops. And I’m really hoping for such a result. A broken bone & vandalized walls are the price I’m glad to pay to become famous.

The Beatles song: A Day in the Life (No. 26 on all-time greatest songs). The opening lyrics go like this:

“I read the news today, oh boy, about a lucky man who made the grade

And though the news was rather sad, well I just had to laugh

I saw the photograph; he blew his mind out in a car (shot himself dead)”

I had a similar reaction to the BREAKING NEWS of a man being killed by a white tiger in a Delhi zoo. I chuckled. I have no sympathy for the deceased.

On the rare occasion I’ve ventured into the ironically named place the zoo. I’ve been bamboozled to notice that it is us who’re the uncivilized animalistic idiots. Animals in their cages are sages compared to us gawars.

While the animals sit calmly like hermits in their make-shift homes, we shout, throw corncobs, peanuts, popcorn, momos, KFC chicken bones, pebbles & ketchup sachets to disturb their utopia.

India: Where only Animals are Civilized.

I was born in India but I like to call myself an illegal immigrant hiding in India with no actual country or religion. God didn’t like me much, what else explains me being born in a country filled to the brim with idiots.

I can’t run away from my pedigree & my genetic stupidity. I’ve inherited dim-wittedness, hypocrisy, patriarchy, love for fair skin, iPhones & butter chicken from my proud-to-be-Indian parents.

In the afternoon (even the time isn’t certain) of September 23^rd, 2014, Maqsood, aged 19, 20, 22 (nobody really knows) was killed by a white tiger. Some say Maqsood was mentally disturbed but then who isn’t. Some say tiger was eyeballing him for over 15 minutes. Some say it was 10, 5 or attacked right away. Some say the man jumped, others say he slipped. I searched Google for people accidently slipping into a tiger enclosure. The search returned reading this: “You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

It takes me back to the Eminem song Guilty Conscious, when a man finds his wife having sex with someone else. Dr Dre says “Hold on! there may be an explanation.” To which Eminem responds: “What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?!”

On the day India successfully launched Mangalyaan into space to study the red planet, Mars, a man was killed because of collective stupidity of our countrymen.

Here are few facts my drinking buddy Google told me over shots of tequila.

Tigers are naturally scared of human beings. Tigers do not attack or have any inclination to eat human flesh or have any interaction with us of any nature. We’re too dumb to be bothered with. The only instances where a tiger would hurt, kill or eat a human is by sheer chance or our stupidity. If a tiger is real old or injured & cannot hunt, in desperation it may attack a human. And it won’t ever attack a human standing upright & looking directly at him.

India has about 1700 tigers. They kill about 85,000 living beings for their heavy meat diet. Out of those 85,000 killings human beings make about 73. That’s less than .1% of their diet. They clearly don’t like our meat.

Here, see this picture; a tiger is kissing a beautiful girl. 

Now how would you feel if a stranger walked into your home without permission? Would you treat him with chocolate biscuits & milky masala tea? To top it all, hooligans (humans) start throwing garbage, sticks & stones on you. What will you do in such a situation?

I know my mother will shout at the top of her voice in punjabi & whack the intruder with the first thing her hand lands on.

That’s what a normal, alert human being would do.

The white tiger didn’t show any rage for almost 10 to 15 minutes. That is a really long time with tiger standing over you. Tiger looked visibly confused, perhaps thinking “what on earth is this creep doing in my home”.

This particular white tiger didn’t even know how to hunt. He was born in the zoo & gets his regular supply of 10-kilo buffalo meat every day. Free.   

For exactly 1 minute 20 seconds the tiger is filmed on video patting Maqsood. Almost like a mother baby-sitting a child. But the crowd starts to scream, shout & throw all kinda shit on the tiger. At that moment Tiger grabbed Maqsood by the neck. Tigers usually grab their kids by the neck to save them from danger. Tiger kids have extra thick fur & skin on their neck so that it can be carried by the tiger. Was the tiger treating Maqsood like his kid? I don't know. What I know is his teeth fatally wounded Maqsood.

Did the tiger kill Maqsood or was it us?  

The minders (or anyone) at the zoo did not have tranquilizer guns to faint the tiger. When asked why, they said the guns are at the zoo’s hospital. Genius safety measures.

Note that the tiger did not eat any part of Maqsood’s body even after having him in his possession.

Moral of the story is to not trespass into places you’re not supposed to. Keep the equipment (tranquilizer guns) where it needs to be. And for fuck sake stop behaving like animals, throwing stones at tigers. Let them live peacefully & they will never bother you. Or is that too god damn difficult to do.

R.I.P Maqsood. It ain’t your fault that you were born in a country of idiots. We all were.