Kevin Pietersen bitchslapped by England

Kevin Pietersen {KP} was born in South Africa {SA} to an English mother. He turned out to be a prick. He was good at lotsa things; mostly rubbish, but one. Kevin was freakishly spectacular at Cricket.

Problem-Problem, he was white. You see Cricket SA has a racial quota. They love blacks, Muslims, lesbians & all the people who think the world is against them. KP said his father was Afrikaner but everyone had their eyes on his milky mother. Slimy f***ers.

KP tried to suntan the shit outta his skin but he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone. KP divorced SA. He moved to the fattest, whitest place on earth. The place with the worst Indian restaurants by the dozen. England.

I got nothing against the English. I know they robbed the country of my birth for over 200 years, but they did give India: Tea, Cricket & a massive inferiority complex unshakable even after 70 years of British departure.

After slogging his ass for mandatory four years in English county cricket, pissing people off & scoring runs by the thousands KP debuted against Zimbabwe for England, before arriving thunderously against the country of his birth, South Africa, in 2004; scoring three blazing centuries within 5 ODIs.

In Ashes 2005 he debuted in Test cricket (or chest cricket as Taylor Swift said in an interview. Amazeballs, right ;). Another smash hit run he had with England beating Australia in Ashes for the first time in 18 years.

Next couple of years saw KP’s meteoric rise. In between he also re-invented the good’ol reverse sweep into a more lethal switch-hit form. Hitting sixes against fast bowlers like they were pie-chuckers.

KP became England skipper in both ODIs & Tests in 2008 after Michael Vaughan resigned.

Almost immediately his fairy-tale run started to turn sour.

England lost 5-0 in the ODI series to India. He & coach Peter Moores' relationship fell like a house of cards. KP's performance wasn’t terrible in these troubled times, but with his confidence dipping by the day, he wasn’t the lethal KP of the yore.

When push came to shove, Moores was sacked. KP was politely asked to resign. Andrew Strauss took over the captaincy. KP was devastated. His form didn’t dip right away but all the drama & negativity around him started to show with his batting form hitting the wall in the following year.

After being hampered by injuries, bad press, awful form & screwing his own case by being a total dick & speaking from his ass, real KP finally stood up to help England win their first ever major ICC tournament: World Twenty20 in 2010. He was named Man of the Series.

On 31 May 2012, KP retired from the ODIs. Although he intended to play the World Twenty20 for England, the stupid terms of his central contract forced him to quit both formats.

2012 tour of South Africa was when shit really hit the fan.

After the second Test in which he scored his 21st Test century (149) and took Test-best bowling figures (3–52), KP declared the third and final Test of that series will perhaps be his last. Shock & awe.

In the next few days it was established that he had sent bundles of defamatory text messages about his England teammates to his friends in the South African team.

It was a really bloody stupid thing to do for KP, for anyone for god sake. KP, you son of a gun, you did it again.

KP was dropped from the third test.

England & KP magically patched & buried the hatchet.

On England’s India tour KP was in good form, scoring 338 runs in four Tests.

England then went to Australia & lost the Ashes 5–0. Pietersen averaged only 29; still managing to be England's leading run scorer with 294 runs.

England had hit the rock bottom & as they say if there’s blood on the street, someone has to go jail.

The ECB announced on 4^th February, 2014 that Pietersen has been dropped.

Soon it became unofficially official that KP hasn’t simply been dropped he’s been dropped for life by England.

Game over, KP.

KP, England, and the whole world had accepted England’s divorce with KP. Kevin’s Wikipedia page mentions him as: former England player.

Earlier this year England broke all barriers of failures & failed to qualify to the knockout rounds of the ICC World Cup.

So it was almost a jesus-like resurrection when ECB’s new chairman Colin Graves told KP no one is barred & national selections will be merit-based as they should be.

KP, who’s always shown patriotic desire to play for England, pounced at the opportunity like a nymph pounces on anyone’s hot boyfriend.

Some of you reading this probably aren’t ardent cricket followers, so here's a fun fact: KP is England's most prolific scorer in international cricket. And even when he’s made the scapegoat after the 5-0 drubbing by Aussies, he was England’s highest scorer in the series.

He is high maintenance, a royal pain-in-the-buttocks. Has massive ego & talks lots of shit. Wrote an autobiography that didn't win him any friends in the English cricket team. But he isn’t a hollow run machine like Tendulkar; he’s a true champion, a warrior, like Steve Waugh. He’s the man you want in the team when 11 in-your-face-and-talented-as-hell Aussies are ready to burn you to Ashes.

With the final blow delivered by England’s director of cricket, Andrew Strauss (clearly still bitter over insulting texts), England will take on superpower Australia without arguably the best cricketer to have played for England.

Here’s me predicting what Glen McGrath always predicts. It will be Australia 5, England 0.

The worst part is, there are no winners here. Both England & KP are losers.

KP on his part can keep his head high for dropping out of IPL & losing millions of dollars to play for Surrey so he can show England that he’s still got what it takes. And boy did he show them by scoring a career best 355 not out.

After all is said & done, KP is a bloody legend that vindictive England doesn’t deserve.