Udta Punjab

 

While growing up in the 90s I was addicted to Hindi films like Punjab is to smoking-&-snorting-up. A lot of them starred Mr Shahrukh Khan. I admired the man so much that I walked the streets of Melbourne wearing two sweaters after his film – Mohabbatein released. I looked nothing like my idol – I embarrassed the birds, blondes and the border-jumping Bangladeshis alike. I didn’t give a damn. I was in love with a man. And mark my words – you’ve not lived if you’ve not fallen in love with the same gender without wanting to bang them.

I could never have imagined that a decade and a half later I will cringe at every film Mr Khan does and be totally dying to bang him, I mean his head-into-a-wall. 

Somewhere in the 21^st century he lost his balls, sold his soul and became a prostitute of fame & box office. He’s arguably the most gifted spineless actor of the last quarter century. Sometimes I feel like going to his kitschy house with a graffiti spray and print – Loser across his fence wall. And then run like Milkha & file a petition in the court of law to ban all his films as they’re regressive, an insult to human brain and violation of the fundamental rights of all humankind.

I’m too fucking old now – 35. And one thing I can’t do is fool myself. The moment I will paint Loser on his wall, I’ll know it ain’t him but I’m the real loser. And the day I file a petition I will be the one infringing his fundamental human right. If he wants to work with Roshit Shitty^© and Fatrah^© Khan, when he can work with anyone from Shekhar Kapur to Anurag Kashyap then that’s his prerogative. He owes me nothing and he has the fundamental right to make disgraceful films. If I don’t like his films, that’s my problem not his. Not like anyone is kidnapping me in a gold limousine, buying me gold class tickets, stuffing gold-polished popcorn in my face and making me sit through Mr Khan’s RaOne or the greatest film of all time — MSG.

I can continue watching three Hindi films a year by the people who still haven’t auctioned their balls. But, there’s someone who isn’t letting me do even that. Not only to me – this man is dictating what the 1.5 billion curry slurping Indians can watch. This person is the self-confessed chamcha of the father of Make in India – and Part-time Prime Minister Full-time Luxury Tourist – Mr. Narendra Greatest Modi. This man is Your Highness Pahlaj Nihalani - The man who made shit double-meaning films [Aag hi Aag, Bhai Bhai, Mitti Aur Sona] in the 80s that he almost single-handedly killed the Hindi film industry.

And the craziest part is that this son-of-a-sanskari-virgin-mary supreme-ruler-of-the-desi-morality is watching it all on the big fat fancy projector screen of the CBFC board room. He’s the only one that gets to relish all the culturally corrupt scenes before he guffaws and chops them to save us mortals from life-long hell.

Last week, I chanced upon two sextacular things. One. I found out that the ex-boyfriend of my ex-best friend is banging my ex-girlfriend. This revelation absolutely made my day and I felt nirvana like the moment when I first realised god isn’t real and impossible is a word invented by the losers. Two. I watched the trailer of Udta Punjab. Shahid Kapoor, someone I’ve real low regard for. I mean the man has done some atrocious films [Fool & Final, Kismat Konnection] and married a chic he met at a Mandir and knocked her up within a month of the wedding day. But, after hitting the rock bottom, he rises and stuns the world by signing a film opposite the girl who dumped him for the Nawab. And from what I can make out from the trailer, this man is killing it. His performance could overshadow what I consider the best performance by a mainstream male lead in the last decade – Ranbir’s in Rockstar.

After viewing the no holds barred trailer, I started waiting for the film's release like I wait for a Christopher Nolan slash Quentin Tarantino film or a big bosomed girl to ask me out. Then came the saviour of desikind — Pahlaj Nihalani cockblocked Utda Punjab.

He wants the film to have 89 cuts, no reference towards Punjab & the title altered. Let’s think of a few clean-as-Banaras names — Udta Punja, Udta Ganja, Udta Kutta, Sanskari Punjab, Flying Funjab, Flying Punch-&-jab, Udta Shahid, Shahid in Rehab.

He also wants to cut such a delectable dialogue – Zameen Banjar Aulad Kanzar. I suggest the gourmet version – Zameen Haryali Aulad Sanskari.

As a 13-year-old in 1994, I watched Shekhar Kapur’s Bandit Queen in Dehradun. The film starts with a vicious Hindi expletive {m******d} as the first scene opens with someone banging someone in the stony mountains. The film explicitly showed violence, rape, and revenge. What it really showed was the truth – the way it is. It didn’t destroy my conscience; it woke to me its existence.

On the drugs front, the world’s addiction average is .2%; Punjab beats that figure by six times – 1.2%. Utda Punjab must be released in its entirety so the 1.5 billion sugared-milky-tea junkies can see what they don’t like to see.

Three quarters of a century ago Hitler killed six million Jews to save humanity & now Nihalani is doing all he can save us from the truth. India doesn’t need protection from the truth – it needs protection from Nihalani.

I do not know {I’m speaking to you – you the reader} how old you’re and how you’ve lived your life. But, if you think I’m making a big fuss about a few cuts in a commercial film – think again.

Tomorrow, someone will be deciding the color of your underwear {saffron bra will land you in jail for 7 years} – what you can or cannot name your child {Jawahar, Dick, Laura & Randy - totally blasphemous} – when you can have sex {Tuesday is surely off-limits} – girls on periods will be banned from leaving home {so unholy} – girls can be asked {by anyone except cross-religion [of course no wants a hindu lad asking a muslim lass - tauba-tauba]} if they’re on periods before entering a holy place {all religions hail this sacred move} – what haircut you can have {North Korea allows only one style} – prove you’re a nationalist before you can enrol into a University {get a Modi tattoo} – Girls who drink-&-smoke cannot sue for sexual harassment {they deserved it} – special discounts for being Hindu {all Patanjali products} – going to temples & praying daily to be a part of the core curriculum {CBSE, Punjab board} – Must sing Bharat Mata Ki Jai before starting work each day at office {mandatory at all govt. offices}. And I will be banned from writing about what I believe in {or else beheaded like they do the blog-writers in Bangladesh}.

All this and much more will soon become reality if we keep sitting in airconditioned rooms and shopping online for clothes that don’t look good on us & buying phones that are much smarter than us.

For now, Judges at the High Court are doing good things to save us from Mr Nihalani. They’ve given the go ahead to Udta Punjab and told the Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC) that their job is to certify not censor.

Punjab is burning in the hell of drugs which I’ve personally experienced over several visits in the last few years. I do not know if Udta Punjab will turn a corner and save millions of lives but I’m dead certain that if people like Nihalani remain at the helm, millions will die because they were sheltered from the truth.