God was Murdered

My name is Rohan Bhatia – It is of no consequence, so forget about it. But the story I’ve for you may hold importance but I’ll leave that for you to decide. 27th May 2006, I was self-diagnosed to be suffering from the disease called – Lifesuck-sigytis. Yeah! At 1 st instance it may strike odd but it isn’t. It’s common as common cold, big chunk of us mortals suffer from it at some juncture of our lives. We just don’t have the knowledge of the fact that – We do. To my horror, I was in the last stage of this tormenting ailment. Anything that could possibly go wrong in a human being’s life - Had. For instance – bloodsucking job, broken engagement (she remains my inspiration), dysfunctional family, I had no talent & my future was a sinking ship. In common terms – I was good for nothing or plain dumbass (although I am still a dumbass) Garbage was worth more than me, everyone had dismissed me, I was a fiasco - there wasn’t any hope left. What was I living for anymore ...

Leela says: ‘Green hai angoor, kelay ka rang peela hai, kehdo saari duniya se, Ram ki Leela hai.’ So it’s a Love story. Bhansali says: Ram-Leela is based on Shakespeare’s Romeo-Juliet Here’s what Shakespeare would say to that, perhaps: “Raat ko peeta hu thandi-chilled beer, naam hai mera Will-i-Am Shakespeare Teen Kingfisher may ho jata hu fully set; Bhansali thaari Ram-Leela ain’t no Romeo-Juliet.” So what the hell is it if it isn’t inspired/based/copied/lifted from Romeo-Juliet. Well, Ram-Leela took birth on 27 th Dec 2011. A drunk & depressed Bhansali (Saawariya & Guzarish flopped) knocked Anurag Kashyap’s door at well past midnight. They aren’t buddies & Anurag wasn’t amused but let him in anyway. When Anurag returned from the kitchen with a coffee, Bhansali was missing. He found him passed out in the main bathroom. Anurag left him there & joined wife Kalki in the bedroom. Bhansali woke with a start at 5:03am, cleaned himself up & chan...

I was born in Sydney on 27 th December 1959 in an Indian household. It was a weird day. Y’day was 10 th October 2013. It was a really weird day. Rachel, my wife, divorced me. We were married for 24 years. Sachin Tendulkar divorced Cricket. They were married for 24 years. You must have noticed the peculiar similarity in our divorces. That’s where you’re wrong. My divorce doesn’t come close to Sachin R. Tendulkar’s. He is the man with the greatest love story, ever. Mine, not so. Let’s go back a little. Let’s go back to 13 th August 1976. I was 17 years old. And I didn’t like Cricket. It was almost mid-night, but I didn’t feel like going back home. I entered this swanky sports bar in Central Sydney. I sat down at the bar, on a tall bar stool. I confidently ordered beer hoping bartender wouldn’t ID me. She didn’t. England was playing West Indies in a Test match, in London. The 10-hour time difference & rare ‘live’ international telecast meant it played on this...

A billion Indians missed out on the surprise superhit film of September 2013 as they were super-glued to the mouth-watering Big Boss. The movie: The Bloody Ordinance; Starring: Rahul Gandhi & Manmohan Singh (in a ghost appearance) Here, let me fill you billion basterds in on the plot of the bloody ordinance. Ordinance allows convicted legislators to continue to hold office. Meaning Lalu Yadav can continue to rule-the-roost from Jail.   The bloody ordinance, the movie, gave Ranbir Kapoor’s Besharam a run for its money & Rahul Gandhi joined the coveted 100-crore club. But our salt-&-pepper haired reviewer Karan Thapar didn’t like it one bit. He called it preposterous along with other sweet expletives. He particularly hated the climax. I loved it. Better than Ocean’s Eleven. Here’s the climactic speech by Rahul that has particularly left Thapar incensed. Rahul: “My opinion of the ordinance is that it is complete nonsense and should be torn up and thrown a...

So we’re clear I’m the basterd. Now, let’s get on with it. I say this with sheer sadness not sadism; the brilliant, flamboyant & versatile Vir Sanghvi has missed the bus by falling in love with capital punishment under the guise of ‘desperate situations call for desperate measures.’ Said that I can’t deny the fact that we’re desperate. Like hell we’re. By we, I mean, India. All 1.2 billion of it. The 16-Dec case. A smash hit I’d call it if it were a film. It has penetrated the imagination of aam admi like Pepsi Cola of every fat kid. One is dead. 4 are get-set-go for the gallows. The juvenile, the lucky basterd, will be out on the streets before Christmas 2015. When he strikes again, Exclusivity Chasers (Media) will cash in on the 16-Dec sequel. Sequels are in vogue, you see. About 25,000 rape cases were registered in 2012. Every 20 odd minute someone gets raped in India.  Everyone knows minutest detail about the 16-Dec case, yet magically unawa...

You know what they say: “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.” Damn right, yeah. But, here I’m doing this with the heart of a saint, for free. I’m doing this for all those people  who've  have been watching Dexter religiously & dying to kill someone but feel incapacitated by the hostile laws of their country against the murders of all kind. No matter what you repressed people say I know for certain that everyone has thought of murder. It is natural & the way we've become makes murder a necessity. There's always some people in everyone's life that they'd love to get rid of. To see them in pain & die.  But not everyone is lucky enough to be born in Africa, Indian Sub-continent or North Korea. P.S. Pakistan has been named the most murder-friendly country for the 7th time running by Al  Qaeda's shoot-for-sunday-fun-time regiment . This letter is my gift to all those unlucky basterds who had the misfortune of being bo...

Itni zindagi gujarne ke baad mili ho, bas yuhi chali jaogi Bas yuhi, fir se, gum jaogi Abhi toh kitni saari, kitni halki-bhaari, angeenat unkahee baatey baaki hai Abhi toh tujhe dekha hai, abhi toh pehchan-nah baaki hai Abhi toh boriyaan bharkey khusiyaan, aur muthi-bhar gum baant-ney baaki hai Kidhar yeh raastey, yeh manziley le chaley, nahi maloom mujhe Abhi toh tere saath, pao badakar, yeh sab, maloom karna baaki hai Abhi toh tu dikhi hai, pankh lagakar, abhi tere saath udna baaki hai Abhi toh tere liye pakaana, aur tere haath ki kachchi-pakki rotiyaan khaana baaki hai Abhi toh tere saath chala hoon, abhi toh ladkhadaana-girna-daudnah baaki hai Abhi toh tujhse jhagadnah, kitni khatti-meethi ladayi-yah baaki hai Abhi toh tu muskurayi hai, abhi aansoo baaki hai Abhi toh teri hansee dekhi hai, abhi teri naraazagi baaki hai Abhi toh tayr-rahe hai, abhi tujhme doob jaana baaki hai Abhi tune pyaar se chu-ah hai, abhi tera zorka thappad khana baaki hai Abhi toh tuney taarif ki hai, abh...

When you gotta pee, you gotta pee. I beseech Karan to pull over. When he refuses to co-operate, I threaten to pee in his obscenely priced Bentley. I can be an asshole. He pulls over. That’s-my-bitch . I slam the doors open, walk across the road to the fence of the bridge. Climb atop the railing. And I do what I gotta do. On my way back to the car I see a monster truck approaching me with the speed of a bullet. I shriek like a little girl. It’s darkness. It’s all over. I’m dead. This place looks weird. Not bad weird. Quirky weird. I expected hell to be……well, like fucking hell. Like cactuses getting shoved up people’s asses. Rats chewing off a man’s legs & wee-wee. Someone being dipped into boiling water for fun. Some rapist’s dick being crushed, chopped & used for a Shawarma roll.  That kinda kewl shit. But this place is laid-back. Posters of Beatles, Star Trek & Freddie Mercury strewn around the...