I made out with God (She is Hot)

When you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

I beseech Karan to pull over. When he refuses to co-operate, I threaten to pee in his obscenely priced Bentley. I can be an asshole. He pulls over. That’s-my-bitch. I slam the doors open, walk across the road to the fence of the bridge. Climb atop the railing. And I do what I gotta do. On my way back to the car I see a monster truck approaching me with the speed of a bullet. I shriek like a little girl.

It’s darkness.

It’s all over.

I’m dead.

This place looks weird. Not bad weird. Quirky weird. I expected hell to be……well, like fucking hell. Like cactuses getting shoved up people’s asses. Rats chewing off a man’s legs & wee-wee. Someone being dipped into boiling water for fun. Some rapist’s dick being crushed, chopped & used for a Shawarma roll. 

That kinda kewl shit.

But this place is laid-back. Posters of Beatles, Star Trek & Freddie Mercury strewn around the walls.

Did you guys know Freddie (Queen’s lead vocalist) was an Indian. A Gujju. A gay Gujju boy at that. Ha!

There’s no way I’m in heaven. Of all the people I deserve to be in hell. Here’s the Top-5 of my countless dirty deeds.

I cheated on my girlfriends. All 7 of them. And I’ve slept with 3 married (I had no clue) women.

I don’t believe in God. In my chaste words: “I don’t believe in frickin god. God is bloody dead. Murdered, perhaps.”.

I hate Sachin Tendulkar. Whole India would condemn me to hell for this cardinal sin.

I can’t speak without using the word “fuck” after every 10 words.

And the biggest crime. I love gay people. That’s bound to seal the deal for hell for me.

This room is huge. Walls are tall. Cathedral high ceiling. It’s busy as hell. People rushing about all over. I’m seated in a plush velvet chair. All kinds of whack-jobs are coming in & out. They all go to the far end of the room. Someone is sitting there behind a desk. I can’t see the face. I’m not wearing my glasses. I’m blind as Salman Khan without my spectacles. But I don’t run over people.

Gradually the crowd starts to thin. Eventually the volume drops to minimal. There are hardly any more people. Before long it’s only me & the person at the far away desk.

Some bloke taps my shoulder. “It’s your turn to see her, sir”. He says & points to the far away desk & disappears before I could say or ask anything. I get up. I’m rather stiff. I walk gingerly toward her.

I reach her desk. She doesn’t take notice. She has massive headphones on, shaking her head lightly to whatever the hell music that’s playing inside. She has a striking presence. Her hair tied in a pony. Seductive pout. Red lipstick. Fitted checked shirt, sleeves rolled. I can’t see her lowers. The desk hides it.

She sees me staring. “Sorry about that” she says as she pulls out her headphones. “Been a long day at office. Pink Floyd helps me detox”. She continues. “Where am I” I ask. “After Earth” she replies “I know but is this hell or heaven?” I probe further. “This place’s name is: After Earth. And just so you know – there’s no Heaven, there’s no Hell”.

“You gotta be fuckin kidding me” I say in reflex. “I’m sorry about the profanity” I genuinely apologize.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about profanity”. Now that’s the answer or language I didn’t expect.

“If I may ask. Who are you?”

“I’m what you people on Earth refer to as: God”

“Holy mother of fuck. You are God”

“Who the hell were you expecting?”

“Someone in white clothes, beard, mellow, halo around the head & definitely a man”

“Sorry to disappoint” she smiles.

“No, not at all. Jesus fucking Christ. I can’t believe this. You’re God & you’re so Hot”

“Isn’t that awesome. Anyway, you’re here coz you’re dead”

“Dead. Spooky but I reckon I kinda worked that out”

“Here on you’ll be living here till you get sent back to earth”

“You mean re-birth”

“Bang on. Eventually everyone is returned” she taps her Apple laptop. “I checked your work status. You were unemployed on earth. You’ll need to pick a job here. We don’t have welfare.”

“Sure. Anything”

“Don’t worry, you’ve a month to choose what you want to do. We don’t have economic crisis or unemployment here”

“That’s kick ass”

“You bet” she smiled again. “If you’ve any questions you can ask or you can go get settled in your room number 203.” She throws me the keys.

“I think I’ve a few question if you don’t mind”

“I won’t mind if you don’t mind me smoking”

“Go ahead, I’ve got nothing against smoking”

“Good” she said & lit her cigarette. Then she opened her drawer, sank her hand in, her hand emerged with a bottle of Glenfiddich. “Here’s for you. I know you love this Scotch”

“Of course you’d know. You’re God”

“See. That’s the kinda bullshit that gives me the creeps”

“I don’t get it”

“True I’m god but I don’t know everything. Or what damn Scotch you like. I found out from reading your details” she said directly, taking a deep drag. “I’ve a huge unit here & all we do is manage mortals till they’re sent back to Earth” she poured my glass & dropped two cubes of ice. “Once we’ve returned you mortals we don’t give a shit what you do on Earth”

“You’re saying you don’t punish evil people or reward the good ones”

“Not at all. As I said there’s no Heaven or Hell”

“So, the bad people get away with their sins”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying eventually it all evens out without our intervention.”

“You’re talking about Karma” I downed my scotch at one go.

“Damn right” she smiled. Gorgeous she looks. “Here, let me pour you another one”. Jesus Christ I’m on a date with God.

“Now that we’re at it. Let me clarify few more things”

“I’m listening”

“Is pre-marital sex wrong?”

“You basterds have got messed up views about sexual morality. You morons invented marriages. Marriage is unnatural. Sex is natural. Sex has nothing to do with marriage”. Wow. I’m not so evil after all.

“Are alcohol & drugs evil?”

“Alcohol is definitely not evil. If you abuse it you’ll suffer. But then if you eat cockroaches you’ll suffer too. And drugs like cocaine & heroine are killer stuff. But they’re not wrong as they don’t ask you to take them. I wouldn’t call them innocent but they can’t be blamed for human’s stupidity.”

“Is anyone innocent on Earth?”

“Trees. Nobody else.”

“Is Gandhi Here?”

“Yes”

“What do you make of him?”

“He’s a great kid. What he tried to pull off on earth was impossible coz all the people he was trying to change were cowards. So, if I go by that logic. It makes him an idiot. I personally like him. We hang out, smoke up at times.”

“What about Steve Jobs.” I ask.

“He’s a pain in the ass. He keeps saying: Stay Hungry Stay Foolish. I don’t even know what that means” she rolls her eyes & shoots out perfect smoke rings.

“Totally him” I finish my drink. She pours me a new one. “Thanks” I say.

“He’s after my life. He wants to re-design After Earth. He’s really persuasive. I think I will give in eventually”

“What you make of Bin Laden”

“He’s one twisted fuck”

“What does he do here”

“He’s a chef. Pretty damn good too.”

“Hasn’t he tried to kick start Jihad here”

“He did. I intervened. I promised to chop off his balls & make him cook them as the dish-of-the-day. He backed off” I laugh my socks off. I think I’m falling in love with her.

“Is killing animals wrong?”

“Common sense is rare in humans. Killing anyone unless you have to is damn wrong”

“On earth we’ve so many gods. Who’s the real slim shady. Who’s the real thing: Jesus, Allah, Shiva……who is it?”

“No one. Coz you guys have the wrong idea of God. See, I’m god but I don’t control anything. I do my job & let everything be. Karma is what evens things out. Eventually” she makes her a double. Bottom-up. God. I’m in love. This is true love. “A lot of times the Karma logic doesn’t make sense. Life seems unfair. But if you live long enough & do what your heart tells you. You’ll know what I mean”

“But you do create humans”

“True. We did once. Now we recycle.”

“Did you create men & women equal?”

“No human being is equal. But we don’t differentiate by gender. Everyone is sent with some or the other gift. Some make the best of it. Some ruin it. There’s no reason to believe that men are better or women are better.”

“What about gays. Is it against god to be gay?”. I’ve been dying to know the answer to this greatest question of human race. She tilts her head & smiles. I wish I could grab her & give her the kiss of her life.

“You people on earth haven’t a fuckin clue what God wants”

“What do you want?” I hold my breath.

“I want……………nothing. Just do what is right. We fitted a conscience inside your hearts. But you refuse to listen to your heart.” She turns emotional. “Stop judging others because they’re not like you. If a man wants to stick his doodle into another man and the ‘another man’ is happy to oblige. Then all I gotta say is: It’s nobody else’s fuckin business to comment or condemn.”

“Frankly. I’m loving this date”

“This is what you call a date” she laughs.

“Hell yeah. And you’re mind-blowing gorgeous”

“Are you hitting on me?”

“I think I’m in love with you, God” I so want her now.

“You love easy”

“I’d totally make out with you right now” Boy, I will.

“That’s real sweet of you but I’m not into humans” she says almost apologetically.

“My bad”. I feign disappointment. No way God was gonna make out with me.

“Alrite I gotta go. You take a left from the exit door. Then walk straight up. You will see a building named: Morons. Your room is on the second floor.” She leans forward & gives a peck on my cheeks. “Have a good night” she says, slips on her Aviators, comes around the table. Holy fuck. She’s wearing spectacular hot pants & naked feet. I swear to her (god), I just died all over again. She takes crisp strides & disappears. I’m still looking into abyss. Taking deep breaths. And falling in love. I vanish into a dream.

“He’s gonna be alrite”. I hear a voice. My eyes open to flashy fluorescent tube lights. What is this place. It feels familiar. Oh! Dammit it is Earth. I’m lying on a loser hospital bed. I’m not even dead. Totally disappointed.

“Hey, Doc. Adi is up.” Karan shouts in excitement.

Doc comes forward & asks me “Do you recall why you’re here”

“I got hit by a monster truck”

“Well, almost. He hit the emergency breaks. You passed out in fear” Doc said. “You gonna be alrite”. He repeated those reassuring words. But I wanted to be dead.

I was discharged later that evening. Karan dropped me home. I found it difficult to sleep. But when I eventually did. I never wanted to wake again. I wanted to be returned to After Earth. I wanted to be on a date with God. And if everything goes right, then, surely make out with her. Fingers crossed.