Sunday, September 15, 2013

Gangs Of Wasseypur -- How To Get Away With MURDER


You know what they say: “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”

Damn right, yeah. But, here I’m doing this with the heart of a saint, for free. I’m doing this for all those people who've have been watching Dexter religiously & dying to kill someone but feel incapacitated by the hostile laws of their country against the murders of all kind.

No matter what you repressed people say I know for certain that everyone has thought of murder. It is natural & the way we've become makes murder a necessity. There's always some people in everyone's life that they'd love to get rid of. To see them in pain & die. 

But not everyone is lucky enough to be born in Africa, Indian Sub-continent or North Korea.

P.S. Pakistan has been named the most murder-friendly country for the 7th time running by Al Qaeda's shoot-for-sunday-fun-time regiment.

This letter is my gift to all those unlucky basterds who had the misfortune of being born in Europe, North America, England or Australia.

I’m here to save you. To help you find Nirvana. I’m going to teach you how to kill & get away scot-free.

I’m doing this for World Peace. Bin Laden & Hitler would be proud.

There are Eleven Golden Steps. If you follow these to the 'T' then you can kill & still be free as a bird. Let’s roll & embark on this journey of love.

No, not now. Thank me later.

For the sake of great story-telling let’s give you a name, a profession & a place of origin. You’re Steven Walker. You’re 31; married with kids, work in a New York City Law firm.

Step No.1: Steve, apply leaves for 2 weeks starting 21st October till 5th November. It is the time of festivities & awesome weather in godforsaken India. You’ll be back in New York in time to celebrate the best Thanksgiving & Christmas of your life with your once beautiful wife & always annoying kids.

Step No.2:  It is September now, stop shaving or visiting the Barber Shop, rightaway. You must resemble a Hermit/Sikh/Hippie when you land here. Travel with the best medicines & sanitizers. But don’t worry you’ll still fall sick like a dog. But, that’s part of the fun. That’s my India.

Step No.3: FOR FUCK SAKE, NEVER EVER USE CREDIT/DEBIT CARDS IN INDIA. PAY ONLY IN CASH.

Step No.4: Upon arrival at the Delhi airport, you’ll be pounced upon by filthy men. They’re the taxi drivers. Choose the most suspicious looking one. Pay no more than 1000 bucks ($15). Make him take you to the poshest place in New Delhi: Red Light Area of Paharganj. 

Make him drive you to a brothel where you can spend the night. He’ll ask for money for assistance. Slip in a 100 bucks note. 200 bucks if he’s behaving like a total douchebag.

Step No.5: Fix the night rate with the ugly pimp & re-confirm it with the girl as you let her into your tiny room. 

Now this is going to sound stupid but here’s the deal: Don’t have sex with her. Instead tell her you’ll pay her twice & ask for a silencer-installed locally-made unlicensed gun. She wouldn't have it on her but she’d definitely know someone who could arrange it.

Step No.6: Once you've procured the local gun, test it. Some of this shit doesn't work. Once satisfied, book a bus/train ticket for Haridwar at the brothel concierge, check out, leave New Delhi. But you’ll not be going to Haridwar. That is a camouflage, a diversion. 

Travel to a Tier-2 city via bus or taxi or on an unreserved train. I highly recommend Uttar Pradesh (UP). You’ll love this place. Like Pakistan, UP is Made-for-Murder.

Step No.7: Say you chose Bihar as your destination -- Excellent choice, Steve. Instead of checking into a hotel, find a Dharamshala (backpacker home kinda shit) or a small flat/house. The point is to avoid the whole ID bullshit.

Step No.8: Follow the news. Read all the local newspapers (swallow them). You'll be surprised by the rampant crime & criminals never being caught. I know you're all psyched. But be patient. Wait for your time, for the right moment. Go around the city & get the feel of it. Give yourself about 10 days. That should be enough to make you feel at home.

Step No.9: As a rule of thumb, avoid making friends or exchanging any personal information. But try to be polite with locals & remain low-key. 

Step No.10:  Now that the reconnaissance is complete & you’re comfortable with Bihar. You now know the potential targets & escape routes, start preparing for the Big Day. 

The Big Day is also the biggest day in India. It is 3rd November 2013. It is Diwali, the greatest festival for people of India to show-off their wealth & make the poor feel like shit. 

Another rule of thumb here, never kill someone who you’ve interacted with or were seen with. Be precise, make Dexter proud.

Step No.11: Finally it is Diwali. It is your day. The final step has 5 sub-sections. You must blindly follow them before you pull the trigger & find your inner peace:

1. Pick someone poor to kill. No one gives a crap about poor people in India. Police won’t even bother chasing after you. It is a big waste of time for them. Superstar Salman Khan once ran over a bunch of road dwellers. He lived happily ever after.

2. Here's some unwanted advice: Try not killing women. India already has a low sex ratio. We're infanticide/foeticide Olympic Gold Medalists. Killing girls will further skew the darn ratio. That’s no good. How will ugly Indian men get married (show mercy on me, my friend). 

I must add that this recommendation, by no means, be misinterpreted as my love for women. I hate men & women equally. I firmly believe everyone deserves to die without gender bias. But let's kill the men for now. Women.........well, may be on your next visit. Alright, Steve....roll your sleeves.....load the gun......get set on your marks. Be ready to shoot that basterd dead.

3. Killing after midnight is awesome. Most of the streetlights don’t work in Bihar. But if you’re the adventurous sort & fancy killing in bright daylight, then you're in luck, Steve. It's Diwali & everything is crazy busy. People everywhere. Zero in on a bustling market with narrow alleys. Climb to the roof of some building (trespassing isn't a crime here) & go bang-bang. Walk down & walk away coolly as John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.

4. In case you've a code like Dexter & you’d only kill someone who’s a criminal then you’ll need to do bit of research. Don’t worry it is easy to find criminals roaming about the streets of Bihar instead of being locked up in jail.

But make sure you’re patient & wait till you find this person alone. Coz he's probably part of a gang. You wouldn't wanna mess with the Gangs of Bihar. Anyway, once you've found him alone, shoot him dead. And to be dead certain, shoot him a few more times (in the head). Now, don’t go clicking pictures with the dead or taking blood samples as souvenirs. Shoot & disappear. That's the magic mantra.

5. Make sure your return tickets are booked for the Diwali night itself. There's no point sticking around in India any longer. Mainly, coz you're white & all Indians strongly believe all white people are rich. So, get the hell out before anymore gets suspicious or you'll have to fork out thousands of precious dollars in bribe to numerous echelons of Police Squad. No, you'll never be imprisoned. That's not how we work here. 

Don't be a miser & buy business class for return to New York. You deserve it, Steve. 

Once you’re back in the USA, you’re safe as a baby. No one will ever be able to touch you. Still be cautious & don’t venture back to India for about 5 years. Then you can come back. 

Rinse & Repeat.

Yes, now you can thank me.





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