Karan Johar {Happily Gay} -- Koffee with Karan

My friend (yes, even ugly people have friends….sometimes) recently condemned me for interviewing Yo Yo Honey Singh & The trio (Imtiaz-Parineeti-Kangana) & allegedly smoking pot last week. She found the interviews crass & rubbish. She’s nice (I don’t like nice people, she’s an exception) so she didn’t say this but she clearly meant to call me a narcissistic basterd who has become a soulless prostitute. {I can’t reveal her name; I don’t want to die, not yet.}

Here I’m with yet another interview. I do not know if I will be able to turn her opinion of me. I’d be lying if I say I don’t care what she thought but I’ll live with it if she hates this one too. See, I’m not a nice person; I don’t suffer from the epidemic ‘obsessive compulsive disorder’ of trying to impress everyone. I’ve perfected the art of being hated & still sleep like a baby-on-scotch. It is a beautiful achievement.

At first KJo refused point blank to be interviewed on his own show by me. “No fucking way, bro” he shrieked. My reputation precedes me. I’m notorious for asking provocative questions, pass derogatory remarks, refuse to kiss celebrity ass, reveal never-to-be-revealed dirty secrets & say things that will embarrass Ali G. And nothing embarrasses Ali G (a.k.a Borat, Dictator Aladdin, Bruno, Sasha Baron Cohen).

It took a stern reminder of the fact that ‘I’ had travelled to the death-trap Abbottabad, Pakistan for him to interview the then alive, FBI/CIA most wanted no.1, the one & only: Osama Bin Laden.

It is a miracle that I’m still alive. And KJo knows that he almost got me killed. So he’s in for a no-holds-barred interview with me. Buckle up, this is gonna be one turbulent ride. All accidents will be fatal. Prepare to die.

Three days. Yes, it took him that long to get mentally ready for this onslaught.

He’s wearing a dark blue tuxedo, a nervous smile & raw freshness of a newcomer. Like Madonna, he’s feeling like a virgin.

I’ve decided not to cut him any slack. I start with fire. ‘You look like a teenage boy who’s on a date with a celebrity to whose bathroom-door poster he has ‘cleaned his pipes’ hundreds of time.’ This smartass jibe doesn’t help KJo’s initial anxiety.

‘Karan, we’ve been friends like what, two frickin years, right,’ I say. He nods, fidgety. ‘I’ll be asking some real tough questions today,’ KJo looks on, frozen. ‘All your life you’ve been the nice diplomatic person. Nice people are dishonest & fake; always trying hard to please everyone. Must be super tiring.’ I taunt. He takes a deep breath.

‘I’m a sociable person, naturally.’ His first words come out calmer than expected. ‘If that’s fake to you then that’s your opinion. People need people to love them to survive. Being loved, even fake, is far better than being hated. And what’s the point of honesty if it breaks someone’s heart’ He appears happy about what he said.

‘Wouldn’t you rather be who you’re & say what is right than live in the constant fear of breaking hearts’ I counter. ‘You know what I’d rather have one friend in this whole world than have hundreds who only like me coz I’m nice to them.’ I stare him. ‘If I ever have a daughter I’ll tell her only one thing & that’s: Never be scared to hurt someone by truth, coz if you buy their happiness with lies, you make them weak, you sell your soul & without your soul, you’re good as dead’. I’m surprised by my passion. This is hotter than I had imagined.

I don’t let KJo counter. ‘All your films shamelessly promote that only Louis Vuitton-wearing supermodels have the right to fall in love & be happy.’ He shuffles & gears up to respond. ‘Why don’t you have poor, unattractive people falling in love, who aren’t superstars or sons & daughters of superstars?’

‘I---------------’ he starts. I cut him short. ‘Don’t forget to screw diplomacy, Karan. Be truthful or for the first time in the history of bloody interviews the interviewer will walk out on the celebrity’ I’m really fired up.

He looks me in the eye, looks away. Pauses further, deep breath & there it is. He’s ready. ‘If I put unattractive protagonists in my films, no one will watch my films’

‘And why is that?’ I poke.

‘As a society, by and large, we’re shallow. We love fair-skinned gorgeous girls & Porsche-rich boys with six pack abs.’ There, he said it.

‘If love is the bitch of those whose looks could kill &/or own a penthouse in downtown Manhattan then what happens to the rest of us, who’re by and large not well-spoken, middle class & pear-shaped.’

‘I haven’t a clue’. He really doesn’t, rich boy.

‘And neither do you care’

‘What can I really do? I can’t change people. Change has to come from within.’ Seriously, KJo quoting Gandhi, fuck me dead, someone.

‘All I’m saying is if you make phony movies like Student of the Year to get rich & launch star beta & betis then don’t go around calling them: Work of Art & Passion’ I give him a rough look. ‘They aren’t. It is business, so call it that’

I know he doesn’t have anything to say. I continue.

‘Even the otherwise excellent film: My Name is Khan; tottered into ludicrous territory when one autistic male saved the whole city of the United States. Not the idea but the treatment. It made me cringe. It was the epitome of Bollywood nonsensicalness.’

‘Perhaps that bit got bit too sentimental & caricatured’

‘Apart from that bit I loved the film’

‘Finally a good word.’ He smiles. I don’t.

‘Ok, rapid fire round’ I pick up some cards & read out. ‘Have you had a threesome?’

‘No.’ He’s lying. I know it.

‘Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie’

‘Angelina.’ Lies, lies.

‘What did Amitabh give Rekha for their anniversary?’

‘What, you’re gross.’ Tell me something I don’t know.

‘What’s common between Elton John, Ricky Martin and Leonardo Da Vinci?’

‘They’re gay.’ He rolls his eyes.

‘Are you gay?’ Yes, I said it ‘just like that’. He blinks incessantly, shuffles & freezes.

‘Are you gay?’ I’m relentless.

‘Is there anything sacred?’ he says gravely.

‘Do you realize how selfish it is of you to be coy about your sexuality?’

‘Why is that?’

‘You’re a celebrity so I’m assuming you don’t read newspaper. Recently Supreme Court recriminalized homosexuality’

‘You’re the one not reading the newspapers; I’ve openly condemned the Supreme Court verdict.’ Gotcha you son-of-a-gun. This was a trap & Karan fell for it.

‘Of course you’ve. And that’s what makes you a fucking hypocrite, Karan’ He is stunned at the insult, goes gulaal-red in embarrassment. ‘You never coming out of the closet only substantiates Supreme Court’s verdict that: Homosexuality is immoral, a disease that one should be ashamed of & punished for.’ I hope KJo doesn’t get a panic attack, DOP gives me the look. No way I’m letting KJo off the hook, not even if Scarlett Johansson wants to make out with me right this moment & everyone knows I love her.

I press on. ‘Don’t answer me here. But before you go to bed tonight ask yourself what kind of man you want to be’ I can see tears brewing in his eyes. ‘Do you want to be somebody who’s scared of someone who he is or you want to say this is who I’m, to hell with societal norms, I got nothing to hide or be sorry about’. Tears slip out & stream down his tuxedo. ‘As you said: Change has to come from within.’ Gandhi would be proud.

‘This isn’t just about you; it is about all those who’ve suffered all their lives. Who aren’t well off, renowned or protected like you. Those who’ve no one to save them from endless ridicule thrown at them every single day,’ He has this steely look. ‘If someone huge like you comes out, who knows, it may just bring about a revolution like never before.’ It seems he’s about to say something. False alarm.

‘Karan you know I love you, right,’ I do & he better know that. He nods. Good. ‘And that’s why I hate the fact that you’re so gutless to open up about your sexual orientation.’ He looks on pensively. ‘It breaks my heart.’ DOP & the whole crew are now frantically signaling me to kill it. I do.

‘At the same time it was awfully brave of you to be here & take the punches like Rocky Balbao’

‘Yeah, what the hell. Surprisingly I feel lighter’

‘Stay awesome’

‘I will try.’ We shake hands, his is jittery. He leaves studio in a jiffy. I do nothing to make him stop.

Next day, 9:05am, my cell tinkles. It’s him

‘How’s your schedule for today’

‘Watching Entourage reruns & staring at the walls.’ True story.

‘Good, I’ll be at your place in 20 minutes, be ready’

‘You got it’

He reached in 18 minutes & he was driving. Unusual. We picked a tiger-moustached man on the way. A seasoned lawyer. He didn’t do the customary greetings, he sat & started working on his iPad. In about half hour we reached Bombay High Court. A magnificent edifice.

We went in & Karan filed an official review plea against Supreme Court ruling on Section 377.  

As we came out we got mobbed by media hounds & everyone with a cellphone camera. Hungry for a bite, anything. Bloody anything. KJo didn’t entertain anyone. We drove off & if I’m not wrong, definitely ran over someone’s feet. Ouch.

Karan informed me we’re going for a formal press conference arranged by him. At 1pm, at his residence. That was about 41 minutes away. Boy, was I excited.

41 minutes later, it was time for something fresh. A new beginning.  

‘I’ll keep this precise,’ Karan kicked off. The world had tuned in. TRPs soaring to Soccer World Cup levels. ‘Ever since I first realized I was different I was asked by my loved ones to not talk about it.’ He seemed meditative. ‘When I asked why that is, they said “coz the world hasn’t evolved to accept it yet”. I said: fair enough’. He shuffled forward in chair, narrowed his eyes. ‘41 years, that’s how long I’ve been on this godforsaken earth, waiting all these years for the world to evolve so I can scream out loud & pour my heart out.’ He closed his eyes & smiled. ‘You know what, nothing has changed’ he opened his eyes. Resolute eyes. ‘And you know whose fault it is,’ Pause. Everyone waited for him to speak again. ‘It’s my fault. It’s my fault coz instead of bringing about that change I waited for someone to do it for me.’ He smiled again. ‘Now I know & I know it for certain, no one else is going to fight your battles but you.

‘If you aren’t brave enough to do it yourself then you have no right to question someone else.

‘Today I filed a review plea against the god awful verdict of Supreme Court to declare homosexuality a criminal offence. I will not sit back till I make them realize their folly.

‘This isn’t about me. It is about what our basic human rights & standing up for what is truly ours. No longer will I sit cribbing in a corner & let them snatch our freedom away. It is time to rise & shine. Rise & shine’ He roared. ‘That’s all.’ Everyone stood up to give him a standing ovation. Boy, did he deserve it. Like hell he did.