Sunny Leone - Koffee with Karan

Dot on schedule - 00.00 midnight - amidst chilly-polluted-as-fuck Delhi air and the asshole owl giving me the stink eye, Sunny Leone showed up in a short scarlet dress on the roof of PVR Saket. Instead of fake greetings, Sunny and I – {as she’d been briefed earlier} - pulled down a Patiala long island iced tea.

Then I asked her to place her hand on the greatest religiously pious book of all time – Play Boy – and repeat after me.

‘Everything I’ll say today will not be said to offend or flatter someone. It will not be said to show myself in graceful light or justify my choices. I will speak my heart & if someone is hurt because of my views, I shall never apologize to them across my living years. Not because I’m cocky, but because doing so will mean I’m apologizing for my honesty.’ She repeated to the T.

‘You don’t feel cold?’ I asked curiously.

‘This is practically summers when you’re born in Canada’ I felt a little ashamed wearing a fat bomber jacket. But, it wasn’t time to get distracted. It was time to put her IQ to acid test.

‘You were born in Canada. Where else were you born?’

‘Between the two of us, I can’t be the only person who thinks this is a stupid question.’ She cleared round one, roaringly. ‘And I was really expecting someone taller and less ugly. First Chaubey, now you. So difficult on the eyes.' Fighting venom with viciousness.

‘It’s always a pleasure to meet a superbitch and even better when I’ve seen her naked, like zillion times.’ This was war.

She went for the kill. ‘After KJo called and asked me if could fly to Delhi to do an interview with you. I googled you and found two things - all your ex-gfs stated ‘I’d rather bang a bacteria than touch your needle dick. And that you’re KJo’s bff - baffling.’

‘That’s my claim to fame. I’ve done nothing else in life. And quirkily you & Karan share the first name – Karenjit.’

‘That's right, genius.’ Sarcasm is like cocaine. Addictive.

‘Can I call you Karen?’

‘Knock yourself out.’

‘Alright, moving on – David Bowie, if you know who he is’

‘Stop being condescending I know who's David Bowie’

‘How am I supposed to know that?’

‘He's a legend - everyone knows him'

‘Nope, you're in India – 650 million people here think Shaktimaan is real and the other 650 million think their mothers & sisters are virgins.’

‘But I ain't from India’

‘But you've been here for almost five years & for all I know you must have lost the limited intelligence you had’        

‘And I had limited intelligence why’

‘Certainly you weren't meeting Zuckerbergs on the sex sets’ 

‘Some of them had double degrees and I haven't lived my entire life on sex sets.’ I knew she was bluffing.

'Anyway, David Bowie called earlier today and said – he’s a big fan of yours’

‘Screw you, dickwad. He died last month.’

‘Who the fuck called me then. Anyway, Academy award winner Leonardo DiCaprio called and said he’d love to work with you.’

‘He didn’t & he ain’t an academy award winning actor.’ She was doing alright.

‘You dated stand-up comedian Russell Peters briefly in 2008. Is it true that his penis is as huge as a rooster?’

‘Roosters don’t have penises.’

‘So, you're saying Russell doesn’t have a penis.’

‘Of course he does, needle dick.’ I hate it when people call me that.

‘Russell was criticized by Aishwarya after he cracked an insulting joke about her during his stand-up show in India.’

‘He also cracked insulting jokes on Christianity, but the Pope didn’t get offended. Take light, Aish’ I liked the subtlety in her response.

‘Do you know which city hosts the first ever multiplex in India.’

‘We’re sitting atop it.’

‘And your film is playing under us.’

‘True. I can sense the vibrations.’ Is she trying to seduce me?

‘You lied in the Chaubey interview.’

‘I did?’

‘You said you read all the scripts that come your way’

‘True that’

‘False that. Mastizaade doesn’t even have a script.’

‘I never said Mastizaade had a script. I said I read all the scripts that come to me. If I don’t get any then I can’t read one, right.’ Without a speck of doubt, she was smarter than Rahul Gandhi.

‘Do you think God approves of your videos? I think church will have concerns about the lesbian stuff.’

‘No matter what your papa told you, god really isn’t watching everything.’

‘In April 2012 interview, you claimed 80 per cent of the traffic on your website, and 60 per cent of your revenue comes from India. People love seeing you naked.’

‘Perhaps, someone can nominate me for Bharat Ratna for saving India from the Malayali fat aunty porn of the 90s.’

‘You definitely saved me.' We smiled - I like her. 'But, since you officially retired in 2013, I've lost faith in god.’

‘You can watch my Bollywood movies.’

‘I'd rather eat rat shit than watch any of that rubbish.’

‘I’m packing some rat shit. Should I microwave it for you with nachos and cheese?’ We both cracked up.

‘Last year, you were booked under sections 292, 292A, 294 for destroying the Indian culture.’

‘Can you please enlighten me what’s India’s culture exactly?’ Before I could say, she continued, sharply with poise, without raising voice.

‘Let me help you there. Indian culture shames and criminalizes homosexuality, legalizes marital rape, ranks one in raping its women, kills people because they’re from a certain religion, thinks muslims are terrorists, rejects people as untouchables because they belong to a lower caste, holds world record in killing kids from malnutrition, murders its daughter in the name of hollow honor, ranks number one in female feticide, lynches people on the suspicion of carrying beef, marries its girls off at age 11, sells its children for life to make firecrackers, hates Gandhi & admires Thackeray. A country that's floating in the sea of gutless gravy of exclusive prostitution and calling it – Marriage - And what do you have to say about the culture of a million-year-old country of billion-people that gets corrupted by a bunch of naked videos?’ Boom Boom Bang. She totally smashed it.

‘You’re considered dangerous if you become the brand ambassador of India.’

‘Ironically, brave India didn’t have any reservations in appointing Mr. Modi as the prime minister, who failed to do anything to stop the gruesome 48-hour genocide of Muslims in 2002, and refuses to apologize for it – you're telling me that brave India is scared of my bare boobs.’ oh, boy.

What do you think of Bhupendra Chaubey?

‘I don’t hate him; he was doing his job. But, the fact that when a privileged, Ivy-league educated, and influential person like him can’t stop judging me over my porn career, it's impossible for the other half billion men, who are raised within the boundaries of atavistic customs, to even think of showing an ounce of dignity & freedom to a woman unless she comes home by 8pm, unless she marries as told, unless she gives up all her life in raising a family......unless.....’ She was suddenly overcome with emotion.
I asked her if she's alright to continue. 'I'm good.' she said fervently.

'Even Advertisement Guru and lyricist, Prasoon Joshi admonished your ex-career?'
'I googled him & I found lots of great things about the man. Padma Shri, you know. The trouble is, he doesn’t know me at all. Apart from doing porn, which I'll always be proud of, I work for animal rights with PETA. I endorse condoms and that’s something tons better than the filmstars endorsing fairness cream, tobacco, Royal Stag music CDs, Bacardi music CDs, Bagpiper music CDs, Smirnoff music CDs.’ She giggled and we both rolled our eyes.

‘Would you recommend someone's or your own daughter to be a porn star?’

‘I’m noone to recommend anything to anyone, but if I were to recommend something, I will recommend to do what your heart points at and not worry about what someone thinks of your choices. My heart pointed towards becoming a porn star. I became one. I don’t owe an explanation to anyone but myself – so, fuck you to all who jerk off to my videos and then talk crap about me.’ High five.

‘Karen, I really want you to address one grave Indian problem that bothers the hell outta me. Please say something profound to all the 83% of the Indian girls, who are wearing wrong sized bras. It’s an atrocity.' 
'Perhaps I will start a campaign. Just for you, ugg face’

‘I love you, Karen’

‘I’m married, but I wouldn’t have touched you even if I weren’t and you were the last person, like ever.’

‘I’m totally watching your film before bed.’

‘I’m sure you’re.’
I got up & extended my hand, she rejected my offer. She embraced me like one should be embraced.

Charlotte Brontë {author of Jane Eyre} said in 1847 - "Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion." That was 1847.

I think I've said enough, if you don't get it, you never will.