RWA vs. Sex

CCA [Coitus Control Army] a.k.a RWA [Residents’ Welfare Association] of an eminent residential apartment - Essel Towers - in Gurugram grew tiger balls & acquired superpowers to come up with a revolutionary ordinance controlling how bachelor tenants live:

‘A girl shall never enter the flat of a boy & vice-versa.’

I’ve read & heard an avalanche of diatribe condemning this dogmatic dictum stating it violates privacy & fundamental human rights. I’ve one word for all you crib machines - Boo. 

I’m going to go out on a limb & back RWA with my heart, soul, and flawless hypocrisy. I will go a step further & proclaim that RWA didn’t go far enough to ensure no sex happens between consenting humans. 

No matter what hogwash someone feeds you, RWA, like all Indian authorities, with legal or appropriated powers, has one fundamental motive - To ensure unmarried people never have sex.

I totally support RWA in this cultural, moral, and deeply hilarious pursuit. But, I will not mince words & assert that they’re spectacularly primitive in their approach. They have to update themselves with the modern technology & progressive mindset to be truly effective in the elimination of the evil - premarital sex. 

RWA - look no further, I’m here to be the torch-bearer of change. I’ve already devised a fool-proof three-part premarital sex elimination plan.

Why am I doing this - well, it’s penance. I’ve also committed the heinous ungodly, unholy deed. It’s time to atone. And I’ll leave no leaf unturned.

Part One: Simply stopping the inter-sex mixing ain’t enough. People can still fool you RWA by having two sets of friends - of opposite genders - living in different flats in the same complex. Cool shit, right. Now, you must collaborate with tech giants & get GPS tracking hand-bands & make it mandatory for the visitors to wear them throughout their stay in the premises. This way the security team can formally stalk the non-resident bachelor guests like we stalk the Uber/Ola drivers, not the primitive way Vikas Barala stalked Varnika Kundu in Chandigarh. Rock star stuff, right. So, in case some smart yuppy tries to fool the authorities by signing in as a visitor for the same-sex friend & goes into the flat of the opposite-sex friend, they will be caught & evicted at lightening speed by the hardly educated & brain-frozen security personnel.

Part Two: RWA must let go of the tradition view of sex. Not only it can be had in multiple positions, it’s no more limited to female & male. The dynamics have evolved, as a disease called - homosexuality - has gone viral like Despacito. And, believe it or not respected RWA officials, even girls are affected. I know this makes the altruistic task even more difficult, but with dedication & my relentless support, we can make it achievable. Someone, a long time ago, invented a device called - Polygraph. In India, it’s known as the lie detector machine. Each time a same-sex friend wants to enter the premises, politely, yet firmly, invite them for a ‘decent’ polygraph & personality test.

Here’s a finely curated list of questions to determine that the person isn’t infected with homosexuality. 

1. Show them ashleel pictures of Ryan Reynolds / Megan Fox & if their heart rate/nipples/penis ‘rises’ seeing the hot same-sex person, they’re infected. 

2. Ask them if they’ve ever kissed or made out with the same-gender. If they lie, the polygraph will go berserk. Gotcha, mothafucker.

3. Ask them their favorite color. Guys who pick feminine colors such as pink, purple are pukka gay. Girls who pick lavender & don’t wear make-up are doubtlessly lesbian.

4. Ask if they’ve ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend. Any negative response is a confirmation of their homosexuality. 

All the people who fail the hetero-sexuality test - these infected mortals must be forced to visit the opposite gender hetero-sexual humans' flats & encouraged to have sexual activity to cure them of the heinous disease instantaneously. If symptoms persist, send them to Baba Ramdev’s Clinic to be - Fixed with Vedic Medicine.

Part Three: On the lines of totally non-discriminatory random airport checks in the US {wink wink}, RWA must establish totally unbiased random checks. A machine with a cultured software specifically designed by moral technicians to identify suspicious individuals will be installed at the entrance. This machine will automatically, & without fail, ‘beep’ incessantly whenever it’ll see a girl with cigarette / short clothes or a gentleman with beard & without moustache or wearing a JNU-type kurta.

These people - speaking with experience - are likely to be unmarried non-virgins [how disgraceful]. Security guards must throw caution & any other civilised society’s etiquettes to the wind & ask regressive, vomit-inducing derogatory, sexist, and privacy violating questions uninhibitedly.  

Delicately Hand-picked questions:

1. Kya lagta/lagti hai woh ladka/ladki tumhara/tumhari [what is your relationship with her/her.]. P.S. Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Husband, Wife, Grandparents, are acceptable - Every other relationship is unIndian & can result in sex.

Caution: Don’t simply believe what they say - in the eyes of the Supreme Power - RWA - everyone is about to have sex unless proven married. Ask the below questions to the alleged brother/sister/husband/wife/parents/grandparents before allowing them to cross the laxman rekha of the entrance gate.

Ask to display mangal sutras & hickeys [from wives], grocery lists & stress tablets [from husbands], narrate childhood anecdotes involving children [from parents], pull out miniature photos of their grandchildren from their wallets [from grandparents],  ration card & family photos [from brothers & sisters]. 

2. Kitne waqt se jaanti/jaantey ho usse [for how long have you known him/her]. Time matters - for all you know, these fuckers just got acquainted on Tinder earlier in the day. 

All the people who don’t meet the fortress-like RWA requirements shouldn’t simply be asked to leave the premises, they got to be publicly shamed. Security must take their ‘mug shots’ & display them on an over-sized - Made in India [preferably by children in sweat shops] - Notice Board with their 'full name', the exact ‘crime’ and judgmental additional notes in 'brackets'. Here are a few quirky samples for you to devour:

Ria Singh - Alcoholic Bi-sexual {skank}

Tania Dixit - Feels like a lesbian {bitch has a cleavage tattoo}
Shriya Ahuja - Definitely Lesbian {Gupta ji gave confirmation}

Zubair Khan - Muslim {paki paki paki}

Smita Kukreja - Married to Muslim {traitor}

Arjun Chopra - Smokes up, non-virgin & hangs with black nigerians {corrupted deshdrohi}

Nikesh Nihar Pradhan - Doesn’t understand Hindi {congress-voting angrez sala}

Alekya Chakhesang - Chinki in hot pants {perhaps a pros from Nepal}

And we must not sleep in peace till we totally wipe out the unmarried sex-having deviants. One day, we will create an India where human rights, privacy, equality will take a back seat for a world where people are - pure & sex-starved.

Certainly, I’m not delusional & I fully comprehend the high cost involved with the implementation of my ultra-modern methods to eliminate the ungodly evil. But, with BJP in power for eternity, and your parent body - RSS {RWA is actually R_ssWA} floating in unlimited moolah, they will be happy to part with a fraction of their booty for this divine purpose.

Now, let’s get back to work. Here’s our ‘original’ slogan that every security guard standing on mother earth must recite endlessly: 

"We will, We will lock you. We will, We will flog you. We will, We will choke you. We are the sanskari cock-blockers for life."