Ban the word ‘Sir’

After working with Fortune 500 firms that employ 10,000-odd people [or ‘resources’ as they prefer calling humans], I’m now with a firm that employs 10-odd people [implied ‘naukars’]. Here, everyone addresses the ‘director & owner’ of the firm as ‘Sir.’ I blasphemously break the norm by addressing him by first name. Whenever I’ve asked anyone why don’t they call him by his real name. They unanimously answer: We call him Sir to show Respect.

Let’s go all the way back to the origins of the word Respect [in my life]

My earliest recollection is at age 5. My mother gently told me off when I pounced on Coke [Coca Cola not Cocaine] instead of pouncing on my maternal grandfather’s feet for customary aashirwad when I entered his house. Touching my grandfather’s feet or calling someone ‘Sir’ has nothing to do with respect. The same way a girl’s love for ‘breaking the bed during intimacy’ has nothing to do with the burqa or skimpy dress she chooses to wear. But I was five, and I believed my mom that I was disrespectful & corrected my behaviour instantly. There on, I touched grandpa’s feet every time I walked into his house till he passed away in 2015.

While growing up, doing anything that parents asked not to do was considered disrespectful. It didn’t matter if they were right or wrong [it was implied they were always right]. 
Generally, in India, anyone who’s a patriarch, older, older and blood-related, has loads of money, college education, power, employs you, teaches you, has given birth to you or in general, owns a house, pays your bills, deserves respect. In fact, fictional characters such as God deserve unquestionable respect.

While growing up, I didn’t mind calling people Sir/Ma’am, Uncle/Auntie, feet touching, but at some point, I realized that all these people I gave respect to felt they were better than me. They were like God, but real. And they had trouble accepting when they were wrong to a child. At age 10 or 11, my parents accused me of stealing a calculator. I told them point blank I didn’t. I mean what on earth will a 10-year-old kid do with a useless calculator - it’s not that I, not Eduardo Saverin [Facebook’s co-founder], was writing algorithms for the next best thing - Zuckerberg’s Facebook. Even today - 25 years later they have not said sorry. Certainly, this is an anecdotal instance & there will be parents who say sorry all too often. The point I’m making is if we don’t create that distinction between ‘us & them’ and don’t place them on a pedestal, they will find it much easier to accept their faults instead of feeling belittled saying sorry to a child.

Same holds true for grown-ups & calling their Seniors ‘Sir’ instead by their first name. In almost 2.5 years of working in the mini firm, the director - the Sir - has never genuinely said sorry to anyone. The primary reason isn’t his nature; it’s the pandemic culture. The culture stipulates when a person of ‘higher monetary value’ says sorry to a person of ‘lessor monetary value,’ s/he loses value & respect. And Respect is the one thing we all are chasing. After working hard [or fortuitously born in a well-off family], once someone earns/inherits the Sir status, they aren’t diluting it by saying sorry to minions.

In Australia, where I, like everyone, called the CEO of our mammoth firm Leigh [his first name] not Sir, shattered the walls of differentiation by stature. I often saw him holding the washroom door open for others & picking up stray paper from the floor. And even when my drunk friend Zoe [name changed] lasciviously tried to get too touchy with him at a party, he, a reticent man, remained dignified & didn’t punish her with a suspension or expulsion - something he could easily have done. On the contrary, my boarding high school principal, in Dehradun, suspended all three girl house captains because they broke the dogmatic & sexist protocol and went out of the hostel in broad daylight to eat samosas & drink chai roughly 500 meters away from the hostel. And he never spoke with them again - how dare they infringe his command. Until this incident of civil disobedience, he adored them like his daughters.

I’m always the person who doesn’t want to ban anything. I’m even blithely comfortably with selling Coke [Cocaine not Coca Cola] to a seven-year-old rich ‘by birth lottery’ kid as long as the kid confidently shows me his/her fake driver’s license & lets me drive his mom/papa’s luxury car to deliver Coke to other 7-year-olds with confidence & fake IDs. But, I will make an exception here. The word, alongside virginity, that’s keeping India into mode ultra-regressive is Sir. I now begin my mission to abolish it like Sati.

I teach now. I get called Sir by 15-45 year olds. I get it for free just the way I used to give it for free to everyone who fit the bill.

I don’t deserve being called Sir. When I say I don’t deserve it, I say that with dead honesty. They can call me Mr. Bist, Gaurav or anything but Sir. The word Sir creates separation & tells them I’m better than them. I ain’t. I’m just an asshole. And no one is better than someone on the basis of material possessions or rank or age or class or education or fame. The only way anyone is better than someone else is via compassion & actions - whose golden heart makes others feel inspired, not inferior. 

I want to say to everyone, if you want to respect me, don’t show it by giving fancy monikers [Sir] or showering gifts [imported dark chocolates] or laughing at my unfunny jokes [even I don’t think they’re funny], but by ignoring everything I tell you, but one thing: question everything you’re told to do or not to do [including this]; told to believe in & not believe in; don’t bother what people think of you, do what feels right - don’t get all happy when someone praises or calls you beautiful & don’t get upset when they criticise or call you chubby.  

And most of all never think you’re better than someone else because you’re successful, monied, and gorgeous. Be stubborn about standing up for the truth; be an asshole to anyone who disrespects people based on religion/race/looks/money/disability/gender; and stand up for people who’re not conventionally beautiful, awesome or privileged & give them your time - share a meal with them & listen to their stories. People will remember you for the kindness that’s real.

If you can do half of the above, your soul will be free. And I believe that’s worth something.