I am Proud of Nothing

 

I love sly cunts.

Trees & Humans are sly cunts.

Trees & Humans have a binary, black-&-white relationship: love-lengthily & kill-swiftly. Humans plant seeds & when they grow up to be trees, humans “cut them down” or shall we say “cunt them down” to make buildings & bridges. Trees, at times, take sweet sweet revenge by ‘passing out’ on humans & parachuting them to the infinite abyss of death. Trees put even the Japanese to shame when it comes to Kamikazé maneuvers.

Unlike humans, trees don’t take pride in killing or feeding humans. Trees are a lot like Joker - they do good shit & bad shit — for the heck of it. A coconut tree doesn’t give a flying fuck if the coconut refreshes or crushes a human.

**Several graphic videos have surfaced showing coconut trees chuckling & high-fiving each other, each time a coconut falls on a human head & the human drops dead like a cockroach :) 

Au contraire, Humans love taking pride.

We are proud to be born in India/Argentina/Kazakhstan/England, giving birth to kids, getting degrees, cracking CAT/GMAT, getting admission in IIM/Harvard, helping the poor, running a marathon, beating cancer, working for Google, creating vaccines, creating breakthrough technologies, taking care of parents, buying a fancy car, buying a penthouse, paying off student loan, winning a national award, winning Nobel Prize, becoming CEO, quitting smoking, losing weight, fighting for animal rights, being patriotic, being honest, being disciplined, being Brahmin, being Scottish, being Bengali, being pretty, being intelligent, being an Olympic medalist, being a good mother, being a caring son, being front-line workers, being first responders, being a doctor.

More recently, we take immense pride in being an Insta-influencer, COVID-warrior, being vegan, being environmentalist, being minimalist, being a famous YouTuber, being nihilistic, being feminist, being transgender, being Woke, being lesbian, loving ourselves, beating depression,  shushing trolls, smoking hash, being BLM activist, and most importantly, being a Belieber.

Though, I’m ostensibly a human & evidently a sly cunt, I’m a lot more like trees than humans when it comes to taking pride - being proud of every ostensibly good that I bring to the world around me.

When someone recently asked me what am I proud of - this is what I told her/they/zir:

“The concept of pride isn't something I recognize as a virtue. I don’t intend to judge if anyone else feels otherwise - To each her own. 

I don't feel proud of anything I do. And I intend to keep it that way. 

Everything I do is because I feel compelled. 

Should I be proud of helping the poor in the blistering sun & belting rains last year & the year before & this year too?

Should I feel proud that I wrote three novels? 135 articles? For running an independent YouTube Podcast channel?

Should I feel proud to be an honest human who's trying to live minimalistically & helping others. Mostly I fail. I still try often - I'm incorrigible that way.

I do what I can with my limited abilities. I stay detached from my endeavors. I'm exploring & taking the road that's difficult or weird or scary or crazy. I don’t know. 

I’m like a pregnant bird. I don’t know what’s inside me - I just know that something is coming soon & I gotta take care of that something with all my heart.

I'm not proud of anything I have ever done.

I'm just walking. Mostly, alone & it's alright. It brings solace, solitude, peace. It keeps me both sane & insane. 

Till I can walk, I will walk. And when I can’t, I will stand at one place like the goddamn coconut trees & high-five them each time a coconut puts a human to sleep, forever.”

From the moment, I began disassociating myself from the country, family, culture I was born in - I began to associate with everything else that runs on reason & soul, not sentiment, tradition, & vanity. I’m deeply flawed & I recognize that every 47.23 minutes. It’s my inspiration to be better each day. And I reckon that’s a great incentive to live & endeavor to make this hellhole of a civilized world less of a hellhole.

But the day I begin to take pride in anything I do - that’s the day, I will begin to rot. That day, I will begin praying for one of the sly cunts — the trees to ‘pass out’ on me & parachute me to the infinite abyss of death.

 

People often ask me & each other “What do you want the world to remember you as when you’re gone?”

I don’t fucking know. I really don’t fucking know. But what I know is this

“I don’t want to be remembered for all the books I wrote, all the money I made, all the beautiful girlfriends I had, all the amazing places I traveled to and lived at.”

I don’t even know if I want to be remembered at all. But I know that I have no control over whether or not people will remember me. And if anyone really remembers me once I’m gone then all I ask of them is to never be bloody sad that I’m gone. 

If possible, remember the reasons that have compelled you to remember me. 

Remember me for the letters I wrote to you. I don’t know if there’s anything I do with more heart & intensity than writing letters. I don’t know who you’re & I don’t remember what I wrote to you in the letters, but I have no bloody doubt that everything I wrote, I wrote with all of me - I poured all my soul into each letter, word, sentence, paragraph - and I wrote your name & address with the same intensity I wrote the letter with. That ink on the paper is my crimson blood that I bled each time I wrote each letter in those letters. 

And yes, I would love for you to remember me as a sly cunt. That’s who I really am - a sly cunt :)

P.S. Bury me next to the trees. Let the cunts sleep & dream together :)