I, not Bill Gates, will Save Billion Malnutritioned Babies by 2030

Ever since I got sucker-punched in the face & kicked in the balls on my 7th birthday by Dalai Lama, panty-dropper ideas have been pouring out of me more frequently than the graceful ‘N’ word in a Tarantino film.

Elon Musk is a lucky basterd; I’m the GOAT of great ideas. Hold your breast & breath, my time has come. I can already smell the shiny recycled Swedish metal of the Nobel Peace Prize with my name engraved on its crotch.

Before I take your stinking breath away with my awe-inspiring idea to erase malnutrition forever like we’ve erased Polio, Orkut, & Freedom to hang-&-bang naked in public, I will take a moment to show respect of the highest order to China. They were the pioneers of the humanitarian idea to solve malnutrition by imposing the 1-child policy - I loved how they grabbed the problem by the sperms & nipped the problem of babies in the bud. “No Baby, No Malnutrition.” I coronate China the New God.

It was the perfect solution till it ran out of steam like the #MeToo movement. China’s decision to abandon the 1-child policy made me sadder than my wife’s boyfriend’s wife’s boyfriend’s death. No matter what my favorite cunt - John Oliver thinks, 1-child policy was the single greatest show of human imagination since Hilter’s “Let’s Make Every Jew Sit & Shit his Pants on an Electric Chair” policy.

Since Hilter’s departure, the world has been starved of swashbuckling ideas — I’ve come to the rescue with a plan more mouth-watering than 9-11 attacks.

Switch off your smarter-than-you-phones & sit back on your sperm-stained couch with sacred beef burgers.

Here’s my blueprint in typewriter font to make it look more original than it is:

Whenever you move out of your home & venture into the streets & roads, you see these unbathed young women carrying unbathed babies on their bosoms. They look at you with Hope & then contort their faces & beseech you to spare a few bucks so they can feed their basterd babies. If I had any feelings, I would’ve shed a tear & shelled out a few bucks to the ladies in dirty sarees. But I’ve no feelings. I’m too fucking intelligent for that kind of horse-shit. 

I don’t give a holy crap about the “unbathed hungry humans”, but I don’t like them around me & I definitely don’t like them coming close to me & regaling me with boring sob stories. It’s such a drab. 

Last month, I decided - the buck stops with me - and spent the last 27 days in a shady hotel [that’s mostly visited by horny teenagers] to write my master plan that will put Holy Bible & Game of Thrones to shame. 

While formulating the plan, I quickly realized there’s no point trying to educate people to use condoms & all that fancy stuff before they “stick it in.” People in the third world don’t like to change things, particularly those things that give them constant bad results & ugly brown babies.

Once I accepted that I can’t stop poor babies from being born, I knew the best way out of poverty is good Education. I quickly dumped that idea as poor people detest education like the men detest flat-chested women. The next possible solution was to “get the babies employed.” Babies are utterly useless till they turn 5. And even when they turn 5, the jobs they can do are mostly snatching, begging & selling idli-&-chai. Surely, their parents can sell their kids for a lifetime of labour to make firecrackers. But none of these options generate much money & there’s no way to raise babies without malnutrition till age 5. Of course, the government can loan the poor mommies enough money & lab-made milk to keep the babies fat till they turn five. I Zoom-called the government to ask. Here is what they politely said — “Dear, Dumbcunt, your proposal is dumber than Trump asking the Mexicans to pay for the wall to keep themselves out of the US.”

Once I realized all of the above ideas were even stupider than when I sold my wife’s boyfriend’s wife’s dead boyfriend’s kidneys to pay for our honeymoon in Kazakhstan, I started to think outside the box. It was difficult. I’m Indian, you see - we aren’t allowed to think out-of-the-box. 

That’s when I got lucky. I bumped into this wonderful soul in the bar of my shady hotel. He was an 87-year-old well-traveled South American man. He had had sex with every 17-year-old hooker in town & eaten all kinds of meats in his lifetime. Though he agreed that pigs & dogs are the tastiest, he had no doubt that the babies tasted even better than Belgian chocolate. 

If I were a better man, I would have given him credit for his idea — instead, I got him murdered the moment he reached his home town Buenos Aires. Oddly, it’s cheaper to get someone murdered in Argentina than India. Good to know. 

Now that he’s gone, I’ll take full credit for this genius idea. 

Not only are women natural baby-making machines, but they’re also temporary baby-feeding machines. And we’re in luck - the temporary baby-feeding timeline coincides perfectly with the time when the baby is at his/her delicious best. A 12-month baby is so delicious that it makes the eaters pay any asking price. Now, as these unbathed mommies, on average, pop out 4 babies by the time they turn 23, they can give away three for the tandoor. The money made from selling her first three babies will ensure her & the fourth baby’s future. 

One of the greatest positive side effects of my plan will be that there will be no more “kill the baby if it’s a girl” ritual. That’s not to say I won’t miss it — in fact, that’s the only reason I wake up everyday: to read about another soul-stirring news of female infanticide. But I can’t win it all.

The baby girls [who don’t get roasted in tandoor] will grow up with more money, good education & weed, which will inevitably expose them to the greatest laughing stock movement of the last century: Feminism. 

But not all is lost — though Feminism is a flop, it too has positive side-effects. Statistics prove that feminists, almost always, have a lot less sex & a lot less babies. In the long run, this will get rid of the unbathed mommies & unbathed babies nuisance forever. 

But I want to say that no matter how rich we become because of the baby-on-plate plan, we should never forget what made all this prosperity possible & I encourage mommies to have more babies - just so they can be eaten when they turn 1-year-old. 

Once, one gentle Englishman expressionlessly said, “Becoming a pedophile is our only option when the beer runs out.” I couldn’t agree more.

Let me simplify this for dimwits. 

The great baby-on-plate plan will follow the exact trajectory of the Mobile Phone — the Modern God. All sane people always say, there’s no need to go to the temple/church/mosque to find God, he is exactly where you’re. It’s incredible how that holds true for the mobile phone, too - it’s always in our hands or pockets. 

Humans are well-accustomed to eating meat - similar to how we were used to using landphones. Now, we gotta make the same transition — the way we moved from landphone to mobiles — we gotta move from eating animal meat to baby meat. 

Mobiles existed [invented in 1973 by Motorola] long before they became a mass-produced consumer product — they were consumed by a select few — the same holds true for baby meat.

Baby meat will also take its time to show up on everyone’s plate — for the first few years, it will be ridiculously expensive & available to those who are ready to shell out the big bucks. Gradually, as more unbathed mommies will latch on to this brilliant scheme, the ‘economies of scale’ will kick in — leading to higher supply & bringing the selling price down - Amazon will soon be selling babies cheaper than Dan Brown paperbacks. Eventually, baby-on-plate will reach the mobile-in-pocket levels of 2020 by 2030 as long as the “regressive robots” the liberals don’t cock-block this magical scheme. Even if they try, they would merely be delaying the inevitable.

Modern humans have been rapidly destroying & over-using the Earth’s resources. Baby-on-plate plan will carve the Golden path to self-sufficiency for humans. No more trees & penguins will be butchered to fill human tummies anymore.

I can’t wait to live in that utopic world where “Humans will eat Humans in coffee shops.”

I can’t wait for the world where after every breakfast, every brunch, every lunch, every dinner, every midnight snack, I will roar:

“Oh yeah, that was one hell of a juicy baby.”