I, not China, created Corona. I did it for the Feminists

New Year’s eve — 31 December 2020

It was a usual Thursday afternoon for me & my seventeen-year-old daughter, Krystal. We were drinking bootlegged Mexican tequila right out-of-the-bottle, when I had an epiphany as I gazed at the eight-letter word tattooed on her left arm.

I knew it was time to come clean & tell the world of my grotesque sin. 

This letter is my profound confession.

I, not China, am the monster who created Corona — I’m solely responsible for the chaos that the world of humans finds itself engulfed in 2020. 

Let me take you back to the origins of my original sin.

I was a mediocre little baby, who grew up to be an even more mediocre little boy. The only way to move up the golden ladder of the “Social Order” was to join a cult — of course, Religion & Baba-worship were the obvious choices. But I knew my best bet was to latch on to something that’s not mainstream yet but had the potential to be the Next Big Thing.

It was new year’s eve - 1991. I had just turned fifteen. A big-bosomed girl, on a roof-top party at a cool boy’s home, got super drunk & kissed me. After the kiss, I asked her what’s the meaning of the eight-letter  word tattoed on her left arm.

Her heartbeat rose as she said these exact words, “Feminist is someone who believes that a girl can do everything a boy can.”

Looking into her drunk eyes & heaving breasts, I asked, “Hey, Zara — can a boy be a feminist?”

“If your heart is in the right place, you sure can.” Those words instantly baptized me into a feminist. 

From that moment on, I did everything that a good feminist would do. I attended all the LGBTQI parades, shouted my lungs out at every man who ever uttered these dirty words, “Women can’t do that.” & I always stood up for all the women & told them they’re beautiful no matter what. I was saying that long before Rupi Kaur stole my magic words & made a sweet million dollars.

My moment of truth came on 31 December 2018 — 27 years after I had become a feminist. A bunch of life-long feminists were sitting in a vegan café in Bandra when I decided to talk about the elephant in the room.

I began ranting passionately, “The feminist movement has hit a wall. It is considered radical, elite or outright bullcrap. We all know that outside our self-constructed echo-chambers, we are a fucking laughing stock; a fringe cult with little to no influence on the real world. Men are still at the top of everything that fucking matters. We are a failure bigger than Green fucking Lantern.” I was shivering when I stopped speaking.

After the longest silence, everyone accepted that women, in reality, can’t do everything a man can do, because men run the world.

We needed a “wicked weapon” that will be given to every woman [& feminist men] that will make men powerless. We needed something small & handy like a pepper spray but much smaller & much more evil. In fact, we wanted to create a fear factor that the very mention of this wicked weapon makes every non-feminist man pee in his panties.

After a fiery discourse that lasted a whole night, we began contacting big pharmaceutical companies in Europe & North America. All the discussions were non-starters barring one. This company [which shall remain unnamed] agreed to take up our “Project Purge” — they wanted one trillion dollars in hard cash upfront to create this “Invisible Poison”. We are feminists, not Saudi Princes or Apple, we didn’t have that kind of money. But we weren’t going to give up. We began the greatest ever secret campaign to collect 1000 billion dollars. After 7 months of night-&-day efforts, we collected 137 billion after the few rich feminists [mostly Ellen] donated wholeheartedly. We offered the entire 137 billion to this unnamed company for the invisible poison. They rejected our offer.

We sat dejected for days before we decided to do something that no feminist in their right mind would ever do. Dark days call for darker decisions.

It was time to Meet the Chinese

We spoke to the CEO of a Chinese pharmaceutical giant who would totally sell his own babies if the price was right — After over-night negotiations, hands were shaken & the $137 billion deal was sealed on an island that’s not listed on Earth’s official map. The company promised us feminists a “virus-in-a-microchip” in 100 days. This virus will, as discussed only “ill & kill” non-feminist men. This virus will have the capacity to mutate infinitely like a fucking octopus so no vaccine will ever be able to stop its carnage.

When we all returned to India, we waited with bated breath for Day 100 when we will get our hands on this “virus-in-a-microchip”

Well, some dreams get fucked before they are born. The bloody virus - before it was fully ‘coded & loaded’ with kill-only-non-feminists atom, got leaked from the Wuhan Lab. 

You know the rest of the story.

The 137 billion dollar question is why am I writing this letter that will incriminate me & get me sentenced to rigorous imprisonment till I die of pain & despair.

Like every Agatha Christie’s mystery, there’s a twist to my wretched tale.

In the last 9 months, when the world has been battered by disease & death, China has not only fixed everything that was broken, it has also moved ahead with spectacular breakthroughs. I’m ecstatic beyond belief to tell you that one of those breakthroughs is our dream ‘The Invisible Poison’ we had ordered just over a year ago.

As the world awaits the vaccine with bated-breath, our invisible poison is ready & installed.

Reader, if you’re a non-feminist, it’s already too late for you - no vaccine can save you.

Our Invisible Poison is a micro-chip like Elon Musk’s Neuralink that’s now installed in the eyes of all the feminists. All a feminist needs to do is squint her eyes for 2 seconds at their target to release the virus. 

Not only does this chip kill the non-feminists, it also has the unique capability of detecting the fakefeminists.

At midnight, 31st December 2020, Feminists will formally take over Earth & everything that’s in it. 

At morning, 1st January 2021, the universe will wake up to a bra-free world, a world where equality will be universal; there will be no discrimination; there will be no hate. The world will be filled with love. FemEarth will be a heaven for everyone.

One Thousand Years Later — 31 December 3020

Top Six News of the Day

Feminist Empire celebrates its 1000^th anniversary with grand Feasts, Festivities, & Fireworks.

Manual Scavenging death toll crosses 2000

743rd man dies in India this year while cleaning sewers without proper equipment - the death toll for the year now stands at 2001, which includes 1258 sanitation workmen who committed suicide citing depression caused directly by their horrendous life-long profession. A top Feminister remarked, “Shit happens.”

Sexual Harassment Cases against Apple CEO, Claire Albertson - Declared Innocent

Claire Albertson, CEO of the 2175-trillion dollar company, Apple, acquitted today by the High Court on the charges of sexual harassment by 1.71k men. Standing in front of her platinum plane, she flamboyantly said, “Men need a reality check. It’s about time they accepted the fact that there are no laws in place to protect them against sexual harassment. There never have been. There never will be.” She finished with a knockout punch, “#MenToo movement is a bloody disgrace.”

World War 13 - Bloodshed Continues

Irrefutable evidence is discovered that proves until a thousand years ago, it was a widely held belief that men are “war-mongers” & women are “peace lovers”. Girish Lal Gandhi, the global non-violence movement ambassador, said, “It’s ironic that men who were responsible for 2 World Wars were considered ultra-violent. Compare that to the 11 World Wars that have taken place during the 1000 years of Feminist Empire. It feels like a cruel joke.”

Right to Vote for Men - Denied

Chief Justice of India, Shefali Modi, denied the petition & said with a straight-face. “Giving voting rights to men will set a terrible precedent. What’s next - driving licenses & property rights to men? It’s a slippery slope with no silver lining. Men need to concentrate on the kitchens like they’ve for 1000 years now. There’s no good in coming out of the homes. Kitchen is where they belong & they must toe the line or the society will unravel & become a banana republic.”

Legendary Meninist, George Orwell XXV, shot dead in broad daylight by a Feminist.

He is dead, but his immortal words will live forever. 

“A thousand years ago, the world changed - with a promise to create a better world.
 A thousand years later, it’s exactly the same old world, same old human villain - with better hair & a different gender.” 

—George Orwell XXV— {2957-3020}