•✫•Tiny Stories from an 11-day •Solo Trip• to the Mountains•✫•

Hundred years ago & decades before he killed himself with his favorite shotgun, Hemingway had warned humans — “✫Never go on a trip with anyone you do not love✫” —

As I listen exclusively to paranoid writers who kill themselves, I went on an 11-day solo trip as I had girls to take along, but I didn’t love any of ‘em.

I woke up before the sun on 10^th October — sat in a six.am train from Delhi to Kathgodam [this station is prettier than your girlfriend]. To reach Nainital, I hopped on a shared cab with a girl who was wearing two masks & seemed more paranoid than Hemingway before he shot himself. Three days later, I saw her walking in Nainital, so she hadn’t shot herself with her favorite shotgun — well, not yet. 

Between April 1994 & March 1999, I lived in dorms in a boarding school amidst mountains. 

23 years later, I was back in dorms amidst mountains.

Though these hostel dorms & my boarding school dorms were different, they were similar in two ways: no mixed dorms & midnight curfew.

Have you noticed that literally all rules in India are made to stop one thing — people having sex. 

Indians can tolerate anything but anyone having & [god-forbid] enjoying sex. I’m stunned that enjoying sex isn’t punishable by rigorous rehabilitation till the boy or girl loses all will to have sex.

First day was mostly me placing my backpack in the dorm & going for a really long walk to wherever the unpaved roads took me.

Still wearing Manchester United jersey :)

In the late evening, I did what even the most hardened criminals dread: socialize with strangers.

In hindsight, I really should’ve got me some alcohol before socializing with strangers. 

On day two, I got me a bottle of Red :)

Yes, that Nerd has a Torch tied to his Forehead ;)

On days one, two & ten, I bumped into lotsa new souls — I’ve already forgotten most. I’ll always remember a few.

Jesus — I hated this bloke from Israel. Why? He looked ditto like Jesus, was fucking beautiful, with hair so delicious that he’d put all those shampoo supermodels to shame. There weren’t many girls around, but every girl wanted to fuck him till the night, or he was dead. 

P.S. Sex deaths are totally legit — I’ve lost two of my friends to this devilish delight.

Akash — this bloke hailed from the safest place on Earth for girls —Haryana. I was impressed with his level-headedness. He was graceful — everything about him showed that honest Introspection was a deep part of his life. 

Mehul — I loved speaking with this young lad from Jaipur. Unlike the standard Gen-Zs, he was neither narcissistic, nor superglued to his smartphone. 

He later sent me a long text telling me how he liked my perspective on life & love.

I’m going to Jaipur Literature Fest in Jan 2023. We’ve decided to meet there. 

Shubh was a livewire, a firecracker who swore more colorfully than an Irish whore. Girls liked him. I liked him. I don’t know if he liked me.

Gregory Nash Waters [4^th generation human of English descent] was the coolest lad in the hostel. Greg was graceful like Gandhi — calm like Tibetan monk — courteous like Japanese Geisha.

But nice humans scare the fuck outta me.

Why?

They never call a spade a spade. They never tell you what they truly feel about you.

For all I know he’s all piousPope when the sun is shining & deadlyDexter when the sun goes to sleep.

Nevertheless, I feel nothing but love for the desi white boy & fucking hope he doesn’t slice me into two in the dead of night.

P.S. He’s officially my 2^nd favorite Gregory [Gregory House from the TV show House is still no.1]

— Greg & Shubh’s bromance made me miss my best buddy Baba like Charlie Sheen misses banging babes while snorting cocaine.

FiveDrunkBetches — These loud-vulgar-drunk Mademoiselles from Moradabad were here to celebrate a birthday. When one of the boys wished the girl Happy Birthday, her friend didn’t even wait till he walked away & said, “Behen ka lund, Happy Birthday bol raha hai.”

Wow, I wish my girlfriends were this classy.

Smoke-upSisters: They were like siamese twins whose top priority in life is to crush, roll & smoke-up — everything else can wait.

One of them was louder than Pakistani team after they beat India in Cricket.
One of them was quieter than Pakistani team after they lose to India in Cricket.

As Smoke-upSisters were leaving the hostel, they were classy & kind to tell me that it was nice to have met & they’d like to read my writing. There’s nothing I hate more than when people are nice to me ;)

On day three, I had missed out on trekking with Greg, Shubh, & Smoke-upSisters as I had a hot date with a 71-year-old lady, my ex-landlord. And I never cancel on dates with good ol’ grannies.

On day six, six of us started the trek to Camel’s back & China Peak — one dropped out in the first fifteen minutes. The remaining Five walked & talked — regaled stories from the past.

A girl told us about her college buddy, who loved stealing passports & putting lipstick on her vagina before BDSM-fuelled sex. These are the kinda girls I wanted to marry when I was 17 :)

It’s beautiful not to stare at cellphones-&-laptops & stare at the trees-snakes-&-skies for a day —&— if you’re lucky, one of you slips down the cliff & breaks a leg or both, so you’ve a screamingly funny story to tell everyone when you go back to the cities where you make your money to pay for running away to the mountains.

Yes, that's a mothaFucking Snake ;)

From Day 1 to Day 11 morning when I packed my bags to place my ass in the train to Delhi, something quirky happened almost every day — from finding a fucking pingpong ball in my Guinness Beer can to finding a cat while I was showering — we both were naked, but cat couldn’t give a damn, to gay showerknobs [they had to be turned right for hot water], to pahadi locals always walking looking backward & spitting every three minutes, to dumbfuck tourists stopping me in my mid-morning mountain-run to ask me for directions & I showing them the finger & keep running to drinking coffee at Colonel’s Café & actually seeing, meeting, & speaking with the real Colonel in the café.

⤠Question⤠

Why do I travel?

To paint stories. To meet people, I wouldn’t have ever met. To find tiny traces of love. To find Peace in a world where we are mostly in Pieces. But mostly to be naked with a cat in the shower :)

Why do you travel?

This is an old picture that I love.love.love :)