God was Murdered

Girls are beautiful, infuse glamour to the world filled with scruffy men. They give birth, cook amazing food, ooze warmth & naturally brighter than stupid men. I like the idea of a girl. What I don’t like is the outcome. With all the potential they’ve hardly anything to show for. Women blame men for all their under-achievements but that’s chicken shit. “There’s one thing I got against the black chappies is that nobody gives it to you. You gotta take it ” Jack Nicholson declares in the first scene of Martin Scorcesse’s Oscar winning film Departed. Barring the glorious exceptions I’ve found girls boring, fake, scared, shallow, and waiting for their prince charming to complete them. What makes them look so bad is their competition: The Men. It is inexcusable to lose over & over to men. Barring exceptions men are ugly, barbaric, war mongers, brains in their balls, can’t cook to save their life, can’t give birth, struggle with emotions, and their life’s sole purpose ...

Vishal Bhardwaj screwed up by casting Imran Khan, in return Khan screwed up his absurdist social drama Matru Ki Bijli Ka Mandola. On Mahatma’s birthday Bhardwaj returned from the oblivion with his third adaptation of Shakespeare. Haider is Hamlet in troubled Kashmir. If Gandhi’s life was a message of non-violence then Vishal Bhardwaj’s message is artistic violence. Idea of the film is simple. Son going all out to avenge his father’s murder. What is complex is the backdrop. Kashmir of 1995 is at the height of militancy. Haider (Shahid Kapoor) returns home after years & begins his search of his missing father, assisted nobly by his ostensible love, Arshi (Shraddha Kapoor). His unrelenting quest takes him to dark alleys, hidden cache of dirty secrets. Haider finds his father was murdered at the behest of his chacha Khurram (Kay Kay Menon) who eventually marries his mother Ghazala (Tabu). Haider, the film, shows Kashmir that is heavenly made grotesque by the blood of its ow...

Hrithik Roshan is the man every girl wants to Bang! Bang! I’ve not met one girl in this country who wouldn’t wanna do all kinda dirty stuff with him. So isn’t it ironical that this greek god’s wife of 14 years & the love of his life divorced him? ‘ Burn !’ Kelso (Ashton Kutcher: That 70’s Show) would have shouted in Hrithik’s face. Insensitive! Compared to his charm, I’m bit of a joke with the ladies. We do have similarities. I’ve been dumped, divorced, destroyed & damaged. But like Caroline Wozniaki*, Hrithik too has risen in adversity. *Wozniaki (tennis ace & stunning looking) got dumped days before her wedding by the husband-to-be Rory Mcllroy (golf champ) via ‘text message’. P.S. Apologies to smart people but I’m compelled to explain references as most of my readers have the brain of a dead dengue machchar. They’re too lazy to flip a dictionary or google. Bang Bang is an official scene-by-scene rip off of a shit film Knight and Day , which was an unin...

FBI Warning: No vodka, marijuana, dairy products or chicken was consumed during the production of this gourmet article. This article does not promise any communal violence, if any occurs, will be purely coincidental. It does contain overdoses of insensitivity & India-bashing, which may result in my bashing & my house being pelted with assorted cheap vegetables & worn flip-flops. And I’m really hoping for such a result. A broken bone & vandalized walls are the price I’m glad to pay to become famous. The Beatles song: A Day in the Life (No. 26 on all-time greatest songs). The opening lyrics go like this: “I read the news today, oh boy, about a lucky man who made the grade And though the news was rather sad, well I just had to laugh I saw the photograph; he blew his mind out in a car (shot himself dead)” I had a similar reaction to the BREAKING NEWS of a man being killed by a white tiger in a Delhi zoo. I chuckled. I have no sympathy for the deceased. On t...

I roll out of the cab through the window. Al Pacino is thinking if he should’ve dropped me at the mental institute instead. He helps me with the baggage out of the boot. He wants to get rid of me. He zooms off as soon as the last bag is out. I’m standing under this old tree. Tree’s eyes have seen it all, he’s been here a while. I say hello to him via wink-&-nod. I rotate & suck in the surroundings. I take a deep breath & make some weird throaty noise. ‘So this is what freedom smells like.’ I whisper to myself. I’m usually not so frenzied. I tell you there’s something in this wind. When I’m normal I lift my hand bag & head towards the block that reads: Monash Residential Services. As I enter the room I notice the girl sitting behind the desk. Her name plate reads Tamika-Holly S Faulkner. She has two official first names, hyphenated, plus middle initial. And Al Pacino thought I was crazy. ‘I’m here to pick my keys’ I say clearly distracted by the holist...

You know what’s the greatest tragedy in a 19-year-old teenage boy’s life? Ya! I know what you sons of bitches are thinking: Being gay (god hate homos), divorced parents, bitch-of-a-step-mom, girlfriend hooking up with best friend & all that crap. That shit’s nothing.   I’ll tell ya the real tragedy. The real fucking tragedy. Is when you find out you’re the only loser in your family of 6 who isn’t getting laid. Your sister, brother, mother, father & holy jesus, everybody is getting laid. Oh it’s a catastrophé. To add insult to injury you’ve taken the longest to get laid & still a virgin. Holy cow! In about a month you’re gonna be 20. No more a teen & still a fucking-virgin (spot the oxymoron). My dire condition gave me nightmares. My bed, the nights scared the living daylights outta me. Oh you don’t wanna know unless you’ve suffered like I’ve then you’d know it already. Hurts. When you’re a teenager the greatest agenda of your life is to get rid of th...

‘Monster, you better not miss your flight tomorrow’ she said with a twitch in the eye. Those hazelnut eyes, I’ve been seeing my reflection in them since the day I came out of her. She’s the reason for my beautiful eyes & chiselled curves. If I were a man, I’d totally do her, for life. But life is a funny thing. Mother, 41, is single, never married. And I’ve never seen my biological father. Mother never talks about him. He’s a ghost, an enigma. Tonight I’m turning 18. I’m at the Singapore airport, flying to Bombay to meet him. I blackmailed mom into fixing a date with my biological dad. Until 3 days ago I didn’t even know his name. I still do not know how he looks or anything else for that matter. ‘Don’t hate him. And don’t fall in love with him for god’s sake’ she warned, gave me a quick embrace & whisked me away to the doors. I watched her walk away, there’s melody in her footsteps, oh those groovy curves. Boy, she takes my breath away. At 9:35pm, India tim...

I've never been in love. It all started when I returned home one evening. Drenched in sweet sweat of the society football match. Dad, without a word or expression, handed me my score sheet. 37% overall in 11 th class. No harsh words, no yelling, no melodrama. He walked away calmly. Next morning I said sorry to him. He replied ‘Don’t say sorry to me, son. Instead ask yourself the question: Who do you really want to be’. His voice so peaceful, words so piercing. ‘You can go have your breakfast’. He said & went back to his Dickens novel. He had lived a disciplined life. My father had always put his family before his dreams. That day I missed my breakfast; I packed my football shoes in a box & decided it was time to change. I grew up instantaneously that day. I became an old man. I was 16. I’m 37 now. In those 21 years I made it to IIT, Bombay & went on to study at MIT, Massachusetts, USA. Got hired at TCS on an astronomical salary. Mum found a girl for me...