From Yesudas with Love

Girls are beautiful, infuse glamour to the world filled with scruffy men. They give birth, cook amazing food, ooze warmth & naturally brighter than stupid men.

I like the idea of a girl. What I don’t like is the outcome.

With all the potential they’ve hardly anything to show for. Women blame men for all their under-achievements but that’s chicken shit.

“There’s one thing I got against the black chappies is that nobody gives it to you. You gotta take it” Jack Nicholson declares in the first scene of Martin Scorcesse’s Oscar winning film Departed.

Barring the glorious exceptions I’ve found girls boring, fake, scared, shallow, and waiting for their prince charming to complete them.

What makes them look so bad is their competition: The Men. It is inexcusable to lose over & over to men. Barring exceptions men are ugly, barbaric, war mongers, brains in their balls, can’t cook to save their life, can’t give birth, struggle with emotions, and their life’s sole purpose is to drink beer (anyone) & sex (with anyone).

C’mon how do you lose to us?

I’m gonna prove to you girls how uncontrollably dumb even the brightest of us are. Legendary musician K.J. Yesudas said this. “When women wear jeans, people are tempted to pay attention to what is beyond it, thus forcing them to do undesirable things.”

Can you ever imagine Indira Gandhi saying something on the similar lines about men? Forget Indira, think about the dumbest girl you know. Ok think Alia Bhatt. Can you imagine Alia saying “Men shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. It tempts me to know what’s beyond that blue fabric. It forces me to rip their jeans off.”

Men have refused to evolve over billion years now. What makes you think we ever will. Yesudas has no malice in his heart. He’s simply telling us a true story. Men think women are slutty if they show skin or curves. We feel this uncontrollable urge to touch, molest, and make cheap comments, gestures. We lose our minds.

We’re pathetic & we know it. So we keep blaming our faults on you. And you keep accepting them. You’ve been accepting the blame for billion years. You’ve have done next to nothing to change that. All you do is crib, crib, crib like a little kid & men don’t give a shit.

“It’s my problem. And I gotta solve it myself.” When you understand, accept & embrace this basic truth, things will begin to take a turn in your direction. Slowly but steadily.

One aspect where women were hard done by Mr God is the muscles. But it ain’t something that can’t be overcome. Take some time out from those regressive TV shows, war painting your face, perming your hair, and waxing your legs to wear that skirt. I’m sure you can. Join a Judo class & don’t drop out. You don’t have to be Mary Kom, but be good enough to defend yourself against scumbags. And desi boys are weak & easy beats.

Drop the whole feminist crap. It is sexist. It doesn’t make sense to fight sexism with reverse sexism.

Refuse to accept charity of “reservation.” Stop sitting on those reserved seats. Boycott everything that is given to you for free, because that’s unfair, because it is wrong to fight unfair with unfair means.

Stop giving those world famous cute-tilted-head-smiles to moronic guys to get all kinda things done.

Stop making boyfriends/husbands buy you all the goodies. Your dad/mum spent tonnes of money-&-love and you worked your ass off to get that business/engineering/whatever-the-hell degree. Now get a job, not pregnant.

Start cooking terrible food. Like really really terrible. That’s the only way you’ll be kicked out of the kitchen. That’s when you’ll get the chance to explore the world. It’s a big BIG world of opportunities out there. Dive in.

Start saying yes to yourself. Stop sleeping, start dreaming BIG. Stop stopping yourself by saying “Oh, I can’t do this. I’m a girl. What’ll everyone think?” There’s enough people telling you ‘all the time’ why you can’t do something. You can’t afford to be one of them.

Be united. Take cues from men. Girls are terrible friends. Think about it. If you’re in trouble at 3am, are you gonna call your girl BFF or a guy? Even a distant relative or an ok’ish guy friend with a car will trump your BFF in times of need. That speaks for itself.

Play sport. It builds character & fellowship. You’ll perhaps always lose out to the rough boys at the highest level in sport. But that’s ok, let the boys win something. Be a little a charitable.  

Everytime a Yesudas asks you to wear what he believes is correct. Everytime someone tells you, you can’t do this, you can’t drink that. Ignore that person like s/he doesn’t even exist. Nothing cuts like cold treatment. And girls know all about cold treatment. Wink wink.

Don’t hate men. Hatred is horrible. Men are mostly pathetic but you gave birth to them. Accept the partial blame. And accept the fact that most men have to work jobs they don’t like ‘forever & forever’ so they can provide for their families. Men, unlike women, don’t have a choice to stay home & raise kids. We get crucified when we do. Evolution is still primitive in that regard.

And wear that short skirt, bright red lipstick & glitter, make out with that fuzzy hair guy, drink beer, do tequila shots, laugh till your stomach hurts, click selfies till batteries run out, sleep on calangute beach, parasail, ride to ladakh or wherever your heart wants you to.   

Always stick to your word, avoid material friendships, be fair, be real, and do everything that makes you come alive. Because that’s the kinda girl the world needs. That’s the kinda girl that’s long overdue.