Bang Bang Review

Hrithik Roshan is the man every girl wants to Bang! Bang! I’ve not met one girl in this country who wouldn’t wanna do all kinda dirty stuff with him. So isn’t it ironical that this greek god’s wife of 14 years & the love of his life divorced him? ‘Burn!’ Kelso (Ashton Kutcher: That 70’s Show) would have shouted in Hrithik’s face. Insensitive!

Compared to his charm, I’m bit of a joke with the ladies. We do have similarities. I’ve been dumped, divorced, destroyed & damaged. But like Caroline Wozniaki*, Hrithik too has risen in adversity.

*Wozniaki (tennis ace & stunning looking) got dumped days before her wedding by the husband-to-be Rory Mcllroy (golf champ) via ‘text message’.

P.S. Apologies to smart people but I’m compelled to explain references as most of my readers have the brain of a dead dengue machchar. They’re too lazy to flip a dictionary or google.

Bang Bang is an official scene-by-scene rip off of a shit film Knight and Day, which was an unintentional rip-off of an even shittier film Killers, starring Ashton Kutcher.

Rajveer (Roshan) steals the Kohinoor diamond from the London museum & ends up in Shimla to eat kadai chicken. Harleen (Kaif) is a Bank receptionist in a sarkari bank who brings starbucks-like takeaway coffee for everyone, every morning. What is this Manhattan? Who is she? Anne Hathaway from The Devil Wears Prada.

As pretty & doable she is, she’s dateless, boring & has never kissed a boy. At the insistence of her dadi (adorable actor & character copied from Vicky Donor) she fixes a date via trueluvv.com.

Instead of her date, Rajveer shows up & they strike a banal conversation made interesting only by their looks. She gets smitten with the bronzed hero. While she’s in the loo drooling over him, he is attacked by goons/ISS who are after Kohinoor. She returns to find the place reduced to rubble. Desi Intelligence Agency ISS deduce Harleen is involved with Rajveer going by the CCTV footage of their date at the restaurant.

There on it becomes our hero’s utmost responsibility to protect our heroine from the imminent danger. One time while eating Pizza (characters are fascinated by Pizza in this film) they’re cornered by the ISS. My heart melts & nostalgia engulfs me when ISS main man informs Rajveer “Tumhe police ne charo taraf se gher liya hai”. Orgasmic.

Rajveer shoots Harleen in the neck with a dart, grabs her & jumps through the glass wall into a bottomless cliff. Harleen wakes up in a luxury cottage on a mesmeric private island, wearing polka dot bikini top & hot pants. Rajveer is making fish tikka on the barbecue grill showing off his ripped abs. She asks him who changed her clothes. He says he did with his eyes closed. Only to recant & say he may have had his eyes open. She beats him up & makes a call to her dadi. Call gets traced & they get attacked. And they escape yet again to Prague.

I have a feeling you’re bored. I’m. Let’s cut to the chase & jump to the climax. I must be honest here & admit I liked the final 17 minutes of the film. From the moment Omar Zafar (clichéd villain sleep-walked by Danny Denzongpa) gets Harleen injected with Truth serum®™, film lifts. Once injected with it our boring heroine gets funny as hell. She speaks the truth & only the truth, Aai Shapath. I’ll not spoil the only part that is good but I will give away one bit. Harleen incessantly asks Rajveer in the middle of one nerve-wracking action sequence “why didn’t you have sex with me”.

That’s the question I want to ask film-copiers Dharma reProductions. Because from the outset I knew the basic plot of the film, like all Chetan Bhagat novels, was ‘two really hot people teasing the audience for two and a half hours to eventually make love.’ Doesn’t happen. They do Kiss Kiss against a wall in Prague wearing a smoking Red dress & custom-made Tuxedo. But the name of the film is Bang Bang!

Perhaps there’s a sequel.

If you liked Salman’s Kick or Aamir’s Dhoom 3, you’ll love this razzle-dazzle-abs-&-midriff bonanza. If your favorite films include Lincoln, Inception & want to watch a Hindi film then go for Haider.  

Saif failed commercially when he tried to be a cross between James Bond & Jason Bourne in Agent Vinod. Hrithik will triumph with Bang Bang. The film will make about 250 crores (400 worldwide) no matter what idiots like me think.

P.S. Hrithik should set a date with Wozniaki & find true love yet again via trueluvv.com J