An Open Letter To a Worried God {From a Useless Boy} Volume 1 - Cricket

Disclaimer: If you are a religious fanatic/radical/orthodox/hyper-sensitive/secretly harbor gay-love for Tendulkar or believe freedom of speech is a virus corrupting the society – then – Turn-around & run – run – till you reach the asshole street on the corner of frockers Road, where I’ll trip you, you’ll fall flat on your nose & break your jaw. Why are you still here – Frock off. And my hearty welcome to the rest & my salute to the survivors of my – Open Letter to a Delhi Girl – You have balls.

It was a Saturday morning, I woke lazily around quarter-to-nine & switched on my almost trash Hp laptop {they say don’t place them on laps – you may never be able to make babies again}. And like a loser logged on to FB, even before my eyes were fully awake.

  

I had two messages waiting – one from a pregnant friend Nisha {No she’s not married} telling me how her abdomen is going to explode anytime – total turn-on. The second message was from – The God – What the frock.

What the frock did God want & damn even he’s on Facebook. What a loser.

His message read:

‘What’s wrong with the Indian Cricket Team & is Sachin ever going to retire –------- Yes I’m the God & I’m supposed to know-it-all but I only created few of you morons – now there’s 7-freakin-billion of you Shitheads – I & my staff is at sea – So here I’m asking for help – coz all the Indians who come here only ask this question – all they care about is Cricket - I tried asking just-arrived Pataudi but I can’t understand his accent --- ---

Yours truly,

God’

I did not move out my room for the next 47 hours – I sat on my bed thinking – now that doesn’t come easy to me – but God had asked me a question – I must give him an answer – an answer that’ll quash his thirst for knowledge & calm the dead Indians in hell {We go to hell – We love Hell – We’ve totally earned it}

On Monday morning – I woke with a start – I was ready – I logged on to FB – another message lay in inbox from pregnant Nisha – it could wait. I sat down like a monkey & here’s what I wrote back:

‘Mr/Ms. God or who-so-ever the hell you’re

I’ve done my research on all the players & Indian psyche & reached a definite conclusion. The answers are not straightforward & sometimes not even digestible. Believe them or Scoff at my thesis – Do as you please – 

Team India has lost 8 Tests on the trot – equally divided between the cities of England & Australia – The two countries who started the whole game – Them thrashing Ranked No.1 India in bharey-bazaar is a sweet poetic justice. 

We’ve always treated foreign countries like holiday spots.

Definition of a Foreign Country: It is not Foreign if the color of the skin of the inhabitants is not white* –

*Source: An Indian Brain.

If we were to work hard & slog, we’d rather stay back home. No wonder we’re babbar-sher in India. So once we land in England or Australia – we’re in a merry mood. All we want see is babes & beer. With the girlfriends, wives & mistresses far-far away - it is party time for boys.

I reckon I better get on with it already. So here it goes.

Whenever anyone criticizes Tendulkar – he always shoots the same boring answer – ‘I’ve played international cricket for over 2 decades – I know what I’m doing’ Excuse my irreverence but – A wuss remains a wuss – even after 22 years – So Sachin – Stand up & accept it. You’re the Bestest Ever Batsman in the History of Cricket but you’re not a Champion. Yes! There’s a difference – A big fat difference – If you really wanna know - go ask Steve Waugh.

It is likely that Sachin will officially declare he’d never retire – he’d rather die instead. So there’s your answer God -- Tell the dead Indians to Suck on that.

Sehwag is too busy looking for a house in Sydney after retirement. By the looks of it – he shouldn’t even bother coming back to India – Stay there mate – live happily ever after. Gambhir has lost his Mojo since marriage & too many hits on the ass while fielder at short-leg has made his balls disappear – Dravid is missing England, what he’s truly missing is a pension cheque, he needs to collect it real soon – it has been collecting dust in the BCCI office for a while now – 

Laxman is clinging onto the past like a juice-less chewing gum on hair – He can barely move in the field & when was the last time he ran 3 – Never.

Harbhajan wasn’t even picked – no sponsored holiday for him. Turbanator deserved the axe thoroughly. Is Ashwin a batman or bowler – I seem to have been hoodwinked here – He appears to be a great batsman. Ishant was once the youngest awesomest fast bowler, now he could be the youngest to retire from all forms of cricket barring IPL & wherever 20-20 takes him – Don’t throw hands in the air – Shaun Tait retired at 24, only to return to play 20-20 only.

Virat Kohli is cocky & impetuous – And he can be a great player – he’s got it in him. He can either fulfill his destiny or let it slip. Rohit is a lazy cow – 2 years & he still hasn’t got to play Tests – no wonder he’s sleepy. Frock you Selectors.

Raina is a wonderful fielder & a breathtaking batman but he’s a pussy. He has floundered all the chances showered upon him like confetti. He should blame himself for his test ouster – everyone else is doing the same. 

Vinay Kumar did what he could & don’t expect too much from him – He is sincere & mediocre {as far as tests go} –

Zaheer didn’t get injured – Zaheer didn’t get injured – Zaheer didn’t get injured – I still don’t believe it – WoW – WoW – WoW – but again the show of excellence from him was too little too late – Umesh Yadav was bustling like a flashflood – he came – he smashed – he disappeared. Hope to see you again Sir – Don’t go where Ishant has been – It’s a black hole. 

Yuvraj is keeping the media busy – he’ll be back soon – he couldn’t cement his Test place in 10 years – Can a benign cancer inspire him out of this lifelong rut?  

And how can I forget Mr. Midas-Touch MS Dhoni Ji

He’s is the greatest enigma in the history of sport - A champion captain in limited over format & an insipid twat in the Test format.  His gutlessness as a Test Captain is despicable.

So scared to lose that he refuses to fight. Example: Declared against West Indies with Dravid & Laxman both at crease & 86 runs required of 90 deliveries. Champions don’t play like this Dhoni – {by the way Tendulkar if you’re reading this – This is the difference between a Champion & a wuss}

Now see what happened Dhoni – you got smashed from all ends –

As Joker said in – The Dark Knight – ‘Oh! And you know the thing about chaos – Its Bare’ - And It farts in your face.

The writing is on the wall - There’s nowhere to hide – abuses are flying into Team India like the planes pierced into the Twin Towers. The dynasty is crumbling thick & fast.

Yet denial seems to be the chosen path. I die a little everytime – I hear anyone of you speak – wonder why no one has flung a cheap hawai slipper at you at the press conference yet –

And Sachin is such a wimp that he refuses to speak to the media. He’s waiting for his 100^th ton – keep waiting – I don’t give flying-frock.

That is all God – I hope you didn’t sleep during the read – if you did – shame on you, you monster.

I gotta run now – Nisha’s water broke – the baby is about to arrive – I will make sure the baby gets his/her guts injection alongside polio ones – So s/he doesn’t turn out to be like Team India & me & his sissy father'