Koffee with Osama Bin Laden {Live from Abbottabad, Pakistan - Scary Shit}

Karan Johar duped me into going to Abbottabad, Pakistan - to Interview - The Certified Terrorist No. 1 - Osama Bin Laden. Interview happened on 23rd April 2011 {exactly 9 days before the United States Navy Seal killed & buried him at sea}

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Flashback

21st April 2011

After refusing my advances for over a year - Tanya finally agreed to go on a candle-lit dinner & dance date with me - I was on top of the moon & hoped soon to be - on top of her - fingers crossed - contraceptives stocked

The horrible ringtone of my phone & the over-zealous voice on the other side of it thwarted my moment of pure lustful happiness.

Karan: You wouldn't believe this - I've procured Osama's number & he's agreed to do an Interview with us - How crazy cool is that shit man

Me: You're saying you pulled off something CIA & FBI couldn't in 10 years

Karan: This is real man - real as the twin tower crash -- I got lucky I suppose -

Me: Boy! ...... Anywayz - where is the interview?

Karan: It is in a town called Abbottabad near Islamabad

Me: Bin Laden is in Pakistan – this is un-fuckin-believable

Karan: For the last 10 years

Me: Fucking oath - I hope you're not fucking with me

Karan: This is our biggest break man - this is fucking huge

Me: Wow congrats bro - this will catapult you into immortality

Karan: But there's a catch - he wouldn't do an interview with me

Me: Why is that?

Karan: He's an intolerant fuckface - hates homosexuals

Me: Why on earth did you have to tell him that you’re gay?

Karan: I didn't tell him man - but I guess the word is out - they already know

{There's an uncomfortable pause}

Me: Oh! Don’t - Karan - don't - I can't do this

Karan: Bro don't flake on me - you're the only one I've got

Me: Hey! What about all your film fraternity friends - you're like chaddi-buddies with all of them

Karan: Don't make me say this

Me: What

Karan: They're all sissies & I can't trust them with this shit man

{Another ridiculously nerve-wrecking pause}

Me: Dude! You remember that chic - Tanya

Karan: That hot ass – perfect-10 babe you've been after

Me: Yo! - She finally agreed to go out with me

Karan: For real bro - Fuck me dead -

Me: This is my one fucking chance to make pretty babies & have a super model wife

Karan: Keep faith bro - you'll come back in single piece

Me: In a fucking coffin that is

Karan: Hey! I don't want to push this on ya - think about it - give me a tinkle when you're ready - no pressure at all - And no matter what you decide - you know I'll always love ya

Me: Yep {I hung up}

I couldn't sleep that night - all I thought about was knocking up Tanya or getting knocked down by Bin Laden - At about 6.23am - I called Karan -- I do not know what made me do this but I said him - 'I'm game - bring on Bin Laden' -- I heard him shriek in sheer joy -- I knew I was 'screwed'

Late in the day on 22nd April I boarded deep-in-debt Air India plane from Bombay’s Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport & landed in Islamabad in under 2 hours. I had arrived without any luggage & empty pockets - not even a toothbrush - as instructed - I waited patiently at the airport - An hour passed - then another – 5^1/2 hours later - someone 'accidently' dropped a slip - I 'accidently' picked it up - read the directions - walked out & boarded a black Honda - someone injected me with something & I do not recall what happened after that 

I woke up in a barren room - I would later learn - this was the fortress where Osama Bin Laden had been living for almost 5 years - It was located in Abbottabad.

I was fed {a tall glass of Milo milk, yummy omelet & crispy buttered toasts} - then asked to shower {without soap or shampoo but thankfully with water} - when I was ready - someone with a stocky built & thick beard asked me to come with him - I was escorted to Bin Laden's room - He opened the door and said '15 minutes - no more' - he shut the door behind him & left. 

I was in a room with Osama Bin Laden - Me & Him -- I do not know how I didn't pee in my pants, fainted or managed to stay alive ---- I was a miracle - Boy I felt proud that moment

Bin Laden gestured with his hand to sit - I followed orders like a trained Doberman - I was awestruck like I had seen God’s evil twin

 

Bin Laden: You can ask your questions {said the 6'5 lanky as bamboo stick man}

Me: Have you been in Pakistan since September 11 {managing to hold my nerve}

Bin Laden: Yes {said calmly}

Me: The Pak Govt. must certainly know

Bin Laden: They do {said in a low tone}

Me: So they're harboring a terrorist {I can't believe he didn't shoot a hole in my head}

Bin Laden: No - they're simply scared to go against Al Qaeda - both Syed Yousaf Raza Gilani & Asif Ali Zardari place themselves & their family lives above Nation {surprisingly he didn't seem intimidating or villainous}

Me: Yep! Everyone wants to save their ass - {again he didn't shoot me dead} -- Let’s go back to the beginning - You were born to a billionaire construction magnate - Your father had close ties with United States & the Bush family in particular

Bin Laden: That's correct

Me: You've turned against the very group of people - your family has been best friends with

Bin Laden: You're mistaking me for my family

Me: Ok fair enough -- Why do you hate Americans?

Bin Laden: I do not hate American people - I hate what 'they do'

Me: And that is

Bin Laden: Hurt & kill Muslims - their foreign policy is oppressive & anti-Muslim

Me: And you think violence is the way to fix the problems {my initial nerves had settled - I felt emboldened}

Bin Laden: It is the only way I know

Me: What about non-violence - peaceful resolution

Bin Laden: Those people are deaf - they're only awakened by the noise of a bomb

Me: You're incorrect on this one Mr. Bin Laden – Mahatma Gandhi was heard by everyone - And statistics show non-violence is 3 times more effective than violence

Bin Laden: Statistics are not the truth

Me: The truth is – you took lives of thousands of civilians including women, kids & even your fellow Muslims when you blew up twin towers {Bin Laden's composure was chilling - absolutely no rage - nothing - quite remarkable for a man who's the greatest mass murderer after Adolf Hitler}

Bin Laden: In Jihad for freedom - it is acceptable to sacrifice kids, women & fellow Muslims, if so becomes necessary

Me: What Jihad are you talking about - I know Jihad doesn't mean killing innocent people - It doesn't even mean 'killing' at all. It means 'Inner Struggle' the fight to do god's work & create heaven on earth

Bin Laden: My struggle is against the ones who're trying to destroy Muslims & Islam {still remained composed – a tenacious man}

Me: And what have you achieved - a lifetime in hiding like a fugitive for yourself -

Bin Laden: My life is not important

Me: Fine! But where is the freedom that you believe you're fighting for – people are still dying – nothing has changed

Bin Laden: It takes time & perseverance - If we keep fighting - it'll be achieved one day

Me: If you keep killing - And United States keeps killing in return - everyone will be dead meat one day – And very soon too

Bin Laden: You wouldn't ever understand

Me: What is it that I wouldn’t understand Mr. Bin Laden? 

Bin Laden: The feeling of being racially profiled, marginalized, persecuted, killed because someone doesn't like your face - you wouldn't know the hurt of a woman whose son never returned home - And you wouldn't know the pain of being told that you're filth because you're a Muslim

Me: You're right - I can never understand but I kn....{I stop speaking - I do not know why}

{Prolonged pause}

Bin Laden: Say what you’ve to say

Me: It doesn't matter - you've already made up your mind {almost giving up on him}

The bearded man knocks the door & opens it slightly - shows me his wrist-watch - '30 seconds'  he says & shuts the door behind him

Bin Laden: This is your final chance - Say it

Me: In my heart I know Muslims have been ill-treated & killed over the years - which is wrong - And will always remain wrong -- but you know what - what you're doing is also wrong -- And will always be wrong -- You can't justify it by saying that you're doing God's work because you're not - you're a mass murderer - Go ahead keep killing more innocent people - but don't say you're fulfilling God's will - coz that is the biggest lie you've ever told 

Bearded man opened the door – walked few steps & stood over me - I knew it was time to go - I was ready - I turned & marched towards the door

Bin Laden: Stop {as I was about to disappear into oblivion}

Me: {I turned around to face Bin Laden}

Bin Laden: I also have one question to ask you

Me: Yes

Bin Laden: Do you truly believe I'm wrong

{Excruciatingly long pause}

Me: I think you already know the answer {ours eyes met in that moment}

The bearded man escorted me out of Bin Laden's room - I couldn't see Bin Laden anymore but I knew he was still staring at the door that led me out of his room. I knew he would not stop his violent war - but I knew I had made him think - made him think - that he might be wrong.

A day & a half later I was back in Bombay, in my cozy 13th floor apartment in Bandra. I had tons of missed calls from Karan & Tanya. I didn't call anyone back. I pulled out the bottle of Vat 69 - poured generously into my favorite old-fashioned glass - took a seat on the window sill - I did not sleep that night - I kept sitting & drinking on the window sill.

All I thought about was Bin Laden - the man who was real as everyone else - like me - like you - he was polite, he was composed, never got angry, never threatened me, never tried to show his supremacy - yet he was the same man who had killed thousands of innocent people & had no regrets of it

The dichotomy of this man intrigued me, it frightened me, it mortified me - but most of all it made me realize that we've come to an age where there is no God, nothing is real, love is extinct & hate is all we've got to live with

…………….but there is still a little left of that funny thing called…………..Hope

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