Koffee with Karan -- Me & Karan Johar {Drunk & Disgusting & Dabangggg}

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Nothing binds people like Alcohol - It is the most complete product of human civilization. Except for pregnancy (a.k.a stupidity) it suits all weathers of life - Sad, Horny, Happy, Suicidal, PMS, Screwed, Constipated, Bipolar or feeling awesome(ly) Sexy - Alcohol never fails you in any of these precious moments of life

I hear tons of praise for cocaine & hash & how cool they're - but I'm not into snorting/smoking/injecting - I mean no disrespect to all the fuckers who do -- total respect from the bottom of my heart

Karan & Me had become chaddi-buddies after the Bin Laden episode - The rare interview had brought the house down - The ratings of 'Koffee with Karan' had touched unprecedented heights - This brought Me & Karan closer {No! not in the sexual way}

I was feeling depressed, Tanya had dumped me for a richer, balder, uglier, fatter guy {uncle}. I hadn't even cheated on her like I did with (all) my ex-girlfriends - I knew it was all Karma.

Karan's affair with Chitranjan Chatterjee had broken down within a week's time {Atleast Tanya stayed with me for over 3 months}

Karan's best friend, his mom, had left for London to meet her sister & her big fat family - So he summoned me to his place for a drink {or two or twenty} - He didn't want to see his fake filmy buddies for now - I instantaneously took the offer

I reached his Bandra House in under half hour - We went straight to the top floor - into the Loft - I loved the Loft - it wasn't that high but it was cozy - cozier than Lux Cozy - but not cozier than Tanya's lap {Damn I need to get over her real quick}

I went to the large balcony & sprawled on to the leather furniture - Karan came back with an oversized bottle of 21-year-old Glenfiddich - arguably the awesomest Scotch ever-made (obviously no competition to Desi Bagpiper ;)

We did bottoms-up on the first {patiala} shot - took a deep breath & hit the back of the couch - it was time to relish the night.

Karan: So you guys broke up huh

Me: Actually she spat me out like a chewed paan {I made the paan-spitting gesture}

Karan: Hey! Cheetranjan Chatterjee dumped me too - so don't feel like you're the only one in the dumps

Me: Didn't you say you guys were so in love - you were the 'Romeo & Romeo' or some shit like that

Karan: He cheated on me

Me: Within a fucking week man - No wonder though - Cheeeeeetranjan Chatterjee - there is fucking 'Cheet' in his name

{We laughed at our misery}

Me: So who's his new boyfriend - we can shower eggs on his car

Karan: Well! {He shows me the picture of some babe}

Me: No way {I say disbelievingly} - he left you for a girl

Karan: Yep! That's the harsh truth of it

Me: This is so fucked up bro - I hope you're coping alrite

Karan: I'll be alrite - In time

Me: Don't ya wish you weren't gay - it is so fucking high maintenance

Karan: Tell me about it - constantly being judged for who you're - People actually think it is a personal choice - like anyone would ever choose to be gay to be being ridiculed & made a laughing stock for their entire life

Me: You know what - I actually think it's kinda cool to be gay

Karan: Really

Me: Hell yeah - most of us fuckers are straight - you're the different one - you stand out - I think it is kinda liberating

Karan: Thanks man

Me: Hey! Can I ask ya something if you don't mind

Karan: Not at all {poured another glass}

Me: When did you 1st realise you're were 'swinging the other way'

Karan: It was in 7th grade when my guy friends starting talking about girls & how hot their legs were

Me: Aha

Karan: I couldn't relate to any of that talk & then I realized I was jealous that they wanted to hang out with Priya or Tanya or Sakshi - and then in about a year - I was darn sure - I was 'not' into girls

Me: How did that make ya feel

Karan: When I first found out - it wasn't a big deal but slowly I realized society wasn't up for it - it was taboo - being gay was like being a criminal

Me: Did you tell anyone when you found out

Karan: I told my close friend - he was shocked but he kept my secret

Me: No wonder you still avoid talking about it

Karan: What's the point - like anyone is ever gonna understand

Me: You're a brave man Karan - you should know that

Karan: {smiled} I think it's time for another round

Me: Abso-fuckin-lutely bro {we poured another big one - this scotch was good shit} 

Me: Hey! The other night I was finding trouble sleeping after Tanya dumped me - I ended up watching your KANK {Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna}

Karan: What did you make of it

Me: It fixed my insomnia - that's what {we smiled} - Why on earth did you make KANK

Karan: I know it turned out to be long & boring

Me: I've heard people almost died in the theatre bro - And you know I can't stand Abhishek

Karan: He hates you too

Me: But I think it had a wonderful theme - 'Extra-marital affair' - with someone you love -

Karan: People told me it was anti-desi-culture - it was unrealistic - not something that happens in our society

Me: Deep fucking denial - who are these people - are they living under a rock - it is happening everywhere - you had the guts to throw it out in the open

{More drinks were poured - Now we're getting tipsy - feeling good}

Karan: Would you ever have an extra-marital?

Me: I don't know - but I can't rule out the possibility

Karan: Do you think it can work - like happily ever after - the fairytale finish

Me: In this country - I won't put my money on it

Karan: I know you've had plenty girlfriends

Me: Yep more than I should've - I'm officially a 'slut'

Karan: {laughs} Did you ever think of marrying any of them

Me: All of them - I think I wanted to marry all of them - Yes! I'm that stupid

Karan: {laughs} I'll change the question a tad - did you ever fall in love

Me: You know I don't even know what it means anymore - it's all a blur

Karan: So you never fell in love

Me: Oh! I did & it was beautiful - but like the greatest ship ever - The Titanic - it crashed & sunk

Karan: What happened

Me: First pour me another Patiala

Karan: Here you go {made a large peg with ice for both}

Me: She was Muslim - my family is Brahmin - they refused point blank & warned that I'll be thrown outta the house if saw her again - It was like I had committed murder -

Karan: So what did you do?

Me: Oh! I did nothing - I didn't even fight - I was too scared to lose my family - I sacrificed her - I'll never be able to forgive myself for my gutlessness

I paused - Karan gave me company in quiet

Domestic help brought two platters of hot food - one vegetarian - one pure non-vegetarian - left it on the table & made a swift exit

Me: Hey can we talk about something else

Karan: Sure man
Me: So you must be excited about your cousin sister's wedding huh! - You two are the rare breed of bro-sis who party & get drunk together - 
Karan: She's my favorite
Me: Wedding is on this Saturday right {I grabbed a Tandoori Chicken Drumstick & bit a chunk of it}

Karan: Crap! I forgot to tell ya - The wedding is off

Me: What the fuck

Karan: Yep! Manjari wanted to be honest with her 'arranged marriage' groom - so she told him she had had sex with all three of her ex-boyfriends & also lived-in with one of them for a year when she was studying in London

Me: What is she dumb man - it's a rule of thumb - never ever tell the groom about your sex life in an arranged marriage set-up - Men aren't evolved yet to hear that their prospective wife isn't a virgin

Karan: Where do you find these virgin girls anyway

Me: If you find out - give me their contact numbers - I'll ask them - What on earth is wrong with you girls - {we laughed as he ate his farmhouse pizza}

Karan: You don't know any virgins

Me: Not anyone above the age of 15

Karan: In my days girls used to wait till 17 or 18

Me: You're an old man Karan

Karan: Touché {he laughed at the truth}

I made the drink this time - we both were finding it difficult to sit straight & totally loving it

Karan: Let's say hypothetically - you were to marry in an 'arranged' set-up & there were two girls - both 25-years-old - one 'pure' virgin & other non-virgin 'Like Manjari' -

Me: 'Like normal'

Karan: Yep Normal - who would you go for

Me: 10 outta 10 - actually 1 million outta 1 million - I will go for non-virgin - coz if a girl says she's virgin at 25 - she is either lying through her teeth or really fucking ugly & fat & if she's neither lying nor ugly & fat - then she's got to be a total retard - a fuckin screw-loose - I would rather marry a banyan tree than her

Karan: Why can't guys think like you

Me: Coz they're all sophisticated 'pure' fucking hypocrite sissies --- I'm no saint - Infact I'm a legendary fuckhead - I cheat on my girlfriends & I couldn't stand up for someone I love - but I'm no hypocrite looking for 'pure' girls when I get married - It is not like buying eggs man - 'Bhaiya yeh wala toota hua hai, zara doosra de dena' - This is about marrying a girl - a human being - gotta have some freakin respect for the girl man than talk about meaningless virginity status

We tried to give hi-fives - but it took several tries before we got it right - we just kept missing our hands - we were totally smashed

Karan: Hey you want me to hook you up with someone - now that you're single again

Me: I don't mind - hope she ain't a virgin {more hi-fives & we were rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter}

We laughed like we were the happiest people ever - Like nothing could take away our happiness - Like today was the last day of our lives - Like we were the best of friends -- Like we were God's favorite sons - Like we had found the love of our lives - Like we had not a fear, not a sorrow to fuck our lives

Happiness ain't no destination - It has got nothing to do with win or loss - success or failure - It has nothing to do with our brains - Happiness sleeps in our hearts - We can wake her up anytime we want - We can take her everywhere with us - She never says no - She never gets tired - She never throws tantrums - She's always ready to make us Smile

Happiness is a choice -
What choice are you gonna make today & for the rest of your lives :)

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