Jaipore Lusterature Snobestival (Bombastic Boots & Burberry Coats)

Here I’m, the greatest pain-in-the-ass perfectionist bastard. But this time I messed up big-time. There is enough evidence that most of the goof-ups weren’t in my control (e.g., kabootar peeing & pooping all over me, twice). I’m gonna stand up & accept me being human (not the Mr Salman Khan 'Being Human'). Yes, I screwed up.  

After the unanticipated (yet totally clichéd) hassles of IDs, ticket screw ups, train delays & bitch-fighting I arrived in Jaipur. I found myself swimming in the potpourri of glittering (g)old grannies, silicon-encrusted Shobha des & obnoxiously stupid teenagers. The common thread that ties them is money. You got it: It ain’t theirs, they spend it. That’s all that counts.

If I weren’t so old (31), grumpy & a classic asshole I would’ve tried to hit on these smoking-hot pies. But I’m as I’m. The paradox is that I’m attracted to them physically but totally nauseated otherwise. I pretend to ignore them – it works. Anyway nobody cares what I do. I’m not rich.

The banner still reads Jaipur Literature Festival (ya right!). What this has truly mutated into is: The In-your-face Snobestival of show-off. Girls are seductively stunning & blokes are girly gorgeous.

6 years ago, what started as a meeting point for imaginative writers, a squash-wall for bouncing ideas, a stepping-stone for wannabe writers has graduated into a gaudy goliath of filthy fashion ramp show.

Like Diwali, it means nothing anymore. I bet my ass the chief organisers William flabby Dalrymple & Sanjoy flippant Roy don’t give a shit anymore (assuming they ever did). JLF is the IPL of literature.

Rich people have lined up here in some impressive number to exhibit their collection of knee-high boots, Burberry trench coats, SLRs with never-ending telephoto zooms & Johnny Depp style big fat shades. They’re all homogeneous. That’s the only geneous they got in them.

And they unfailingly laugh at all the jokes these writers crack. Good or bad is not a criterion for laughter here. Indians adore all white people and all Indians who are friends with white people. It’s quite charming.

How do I fit in? I don’t. I stick out like Bollywood at Oscars. Like a moron amidst myriad whiz kids.

I’m 7 hours late. I slither my way past Kabir Bedi & slip into Javed Akhtar’s session in Google Mughal tents. The look in Kabir’s eyes told me that I was the proverbial bad-luck black cat.

Javed recited his poems via memory. He has a memory of a dinosaur (Spielberg believes dinosaurs have an amazing memory – they remember every human they ate). I’ve the memory of a dead gay crocodile.

When asked why there’s a dearth of stories in Bollywood. Javed said: "Every producer is looking for a brand new story that has been made before." Every loser laughed. I did too.

In the other panel discussion I liked most of them writers but it was Lawrence Norfolk who did it for me. By the way, the second part of his last name is pronounced: fuck. I keep repeating it in my head. It keeps me cheered up.

V S Naipaul said the 'Novel' is exhausted. Howard smartass Jacobson responded saying: "the person who says so is." They also concluded everyone wants to be a writer these days, but nobody wants to read. Reason: FADD (fucking attention deficit disorder).

Anita Anand {no she’s not famous} the moderator is  JLF's official goof up queen: She calls a dude, a lady. Her phone rings during the session. Not only she takes the call but also interrupts Linda Grant (who is famous) mid-speech. To finish with a flourish she addresses Zoë Heller as Linda Grant. My Conclusion: Anita is a star {scar. Ha ha}

One British author (famous in UK) said: “Cricket is an Indian sport, accidently invented by the British.”

An American author stated: “United States’ Immigration is so scared to grant visa trying to avoid allowing another Bin Laden in. They’re stopping the next Bill Gates from coming along.”

Tarun tehelka Tejpal showed indifference toward Lokpal, he said (you gotta love his voice): “Lokpal is not a magic wand. I hate magic wands.”

NDTV Breaking News (a day later): Harry Potter’s sentiments have been hurt. He has filed a defamation law suit against Tarun Tejpal {in UK*court}.

* UttraKhund.

But the coveted (& much-awaited) controversial statement came from our own Prof Ashis Nandy, he said: “Most corrupt people come from Other Backward Classes, Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes.” Blood boiled (We’ve become so sensitive, like clitoris) & everyone wants him in Jail peecing chakki. He does too. I wish I could be in jail.

Later, some rich-pretty-girl in the audience said (I’m quoting word-to-word here): “I see the entire situation of getting busted & jailed for writing/saying what you believe in quite romantic. But isn’t it better to stay outside jail than being inside to really know & see what is happening to be able to supply a better picture of the truth”. She goes on to say “I’ve been fortunate to be born in an age where my country {India} has not seen a revolution”.

Social writer Sudip Chakarvarty responded by saying “Which country do you live in?”…he repeated “which country do you live in? There’s plenty revolution that is going on out there. I don’t want to patronize you, but frankly you need to step outside your little fairyworld. Outside the beautiful atmosphere & polished crowd of Diggi Palace and see the India you’ve naïvely overlooked”

Ajay Navaria righteously remarked: Religion kills your dignity, snatches away your freedom. Later he said he is Hindu. May his dignity & freedom R.I.P. — I’ve no religion. All religions have rejected me thrice (& counting).

My favourite moment was when writer Patrick unbiased French snubbed Javed Akhtar & Suhail Seth. He simply didn’t allow them to ask their questions and treated them like aam aadmis. Equality is the greatest equalizer.

Frickin hell I didn’t know Mr (Shri Shri Shri) Gautam Buddha didn’t believe in God. Today we believe he is God. He also didn’t believe in equal rights for women. Ho!

In one of the late-night after-party panchayat meetings (in 523 BCE), one smoked-up on ganja bohemian boy asked him “Hey, Buddha bro when you say Nirvana can be achieved by any human being. Are women part of this lot called: human being? Buddha was dumb-founded. Shame-Shame Buddha bro.

The Deewar Rahul Dravid arrived & desi girls (both beautiful & differently beautiful) went crazy but not enough to flash their hooters/jugs/marvellous/precious twos. What a frickin let down.

Parul got goosebumps when Dravid took stage. I didn’t get any goosebumps. I was emotionless like Imran Khan (Aamir Khan’s nephew). Goosebumps have a direct relation with shock-&-awe. Dravid doesn’t give me shock-&-awe. But if I saw Manmohan Singh give a speech at Jaipur. I will definitely drown-to-death in goosebumps.

Salman Rushdie again couldn’t come over. People are still upset (since 1988) about his book: The Satanic Verses. The awesomest thing is that none of those who’ve condemned it have read it or intend to.

The best part of Islam is polygamy. I’ve always respected polygamy. It is the best way to get ugly* (*differently beautiful) girls get laid (married).

In another panel aam aadmis/aurats yelled “Ban Yo Yo Honey Singh”. They blamed the brutal Delhi gang-rape on Yo Yo Honey Singh’s songs Mein Hoon Balatkari & Choot. Yo Yo Eminem Singh has promised to write a bhakti song to defend Yo Yo Honey Singh.

As I always say: “Any time spent doing anything other than dreaming, observing and having sex is wasted. Not a moment of my 5 days in JLF was wasted. I loved it.

My final note: Freedom of speech is not the right to say everything that is nice. It is the right to speak your mind, to be as rude as you like. Bharat-vasiyo stop looking for reasons to be offended. Steal some sense of humor. It’ll change your life. Sell your pride & buy some wings. Fly away. Fly away. Coz birds need no visa. Fly away, mofos.