Jiah Khan – We think it. She did it.

Some things never change.

My parents still think I’m their greatest debacle (sabun ki shakl mein nikla jhaag). Girls still look at me and wonder "what went wrong". Employment agencies have now officially blacklisted me. And I still love breakfast for dinner.

Some things do change (for the worse)

Recent events have made me sit up & think, reflect, contemplate & think. I'm no big fan of thinking. What good has ever (ever) come out of it.

I believe in 'Being Stupid'. It is the only way to stay sane in this insane, crazy world.

Crazy.

My BFF Karan Johar is now Karan Zohar a.k.a Kz a.k.a totally fuckin Krazy. Since his 41st b'day (a week ago) he's totally lost it. He’s driving me nuts.

Here's what Karan's been up to in the week gone by:

Twitter Status: I feel like a girl. 

FB Status: Student of the Year = Stinker of the Year

Recent Tattoo: God is Gay (on the left cheek of his ass); I love SRK (on the right cheek of his ass)

Been smoking Malana Cream {charas}, drinking Guinness beer by the gallon, taking shower/brushing teeth/changing underwear 10 times a day, craving for rajma chawal right after he's had rajma chawal, writing a script for a movie titled: Whores of Wasseypur, been swearing like John McEnroe, wanting to adopt a gay child & to top it all he ran across the pavement of Marine Drive in his birthday suit........................................... Oh Yeah baby. 

All this points in one direction.

Menopause.

I'm living it with him. His mom is still out somewhere in Europe. And I'm stuck with a menopausal male. That's what BFFs are for, right.

Kiss my ass.

2nd June 2013, 02.37 am. Me & Karan sitting at the Bar in InterContinental Hotel, Churchgate, Bombay.

'I think you've had enough'

'Only 10 beers bro' Karan responds flippantly.

'And when was the last time you had 10-frickin-beers'

'How can you forget so quick --------------- Just-Right-fuckin-now' he says & breaks into a lethal laugh. He is starting to scare the shit outta me. 'Gotta pee' he says & leaves. Barely managing to walk. Somehow reaches the Men's loo. Walks in. I don't hear a thud. He's safe. For now that is.

I've always maintained it is rather unfair for Karan to use Men's loo. It is plain stupid.

10 minutes pass. Should I be worried?

15 minutes pass. I'm starting to worry.

20 minutes pass: Time to walk into the battlefield.

Before I reach the door, it opens. It's Karan. He's not alone. He's found someone who's more hammered than him. Super-find. He's carrying her. I can't see her face. It is hidden by her brilliant hair. Only one in a million gets hair like that.

Karan gestures to me. I recover from my reverie & grab her arm. We become her crutches. We walk to our private booth.

I hate being the only one not drunk. It is in the "top ten" of the things I hate.

Karan places her on the couch & walks off.

She's sitting in front of me. Her head buried into the table.

Suddenly her head lifts, eyes flash open. She's sitting up. She sits without a word or expression. I get a good look. Never seen her before.

Karan returns with a Perrier (snob) water bottle & another pint of Guinness. Seriously bro!

'She's Jiah' Karan introduces the girl-with-heavenly-hair to me. I glance at her. She's still out. 'Do ya like her' Karan continues.

'Who the hell is she?'

'A friend. Don't you recognise her'

'No'

'Look. Like really look' I really look. I stare. Still nothing. I shut my eyes. I open them. I look. And there it is.

'She's the chic who seduced Bachchan'

'That's it' Karan said. 'I wish it was me instead of her' he mused. I wished it was me instead of Bachchan.

Her arm reached for the Guinness. Slam bam. Bottoms-up.

'This shit is goooood'

'You want some more' Karan asked. I gave him the "what the fuck are you thinking" look. He backed off.

No one said a word for the next few minutes.

'I'm sleepy' Karan killed the silence.

We sat there for another few minutes. Then without words or gesture we got up & exited the premises.

Karan & I had come with a driver. I was to crash at his place. Jiah had driven-in on her own.

I don't know how it transpired but it was decided that I will be driving Jiah home. Karan will send the driver to Jiah's place to pick me.

I told you I hate being the sober one.

It is awkward in the car. She’s still sort of zoned out & I can’t think of anything to say.

‘You know what I hate the most’ she just speaks out of the blue. Wacko chic. I look at her. Expecting her to solve the mystery.

‘I hate the pain inside me’ she said. ‘It makes me miserable’.

I thought she’s all hot, works in Bollywood, gets to seduce Bachchan. What the fuck does she have to complain about?

And I also knew I was wrong.

‘What do ya hate?’

‘I hate people who think they’ve seen everything’ I said. ‘We’ve seen only what life has chosen to show us’

‘Profound……………………………………..Life’s a bitch’

‘You got that right’ I said. I thought let’s make the mood less sombre. ‘What do ya love?’

‘I love crazy people’ she said. No wonder she’s buddies with Karan.  Kz. ‘They don’t give a shit about the society. They don’t lie. And they don’t break your heart’. Her eyes were barren. Heart smashed. I thought about asking her but I didn’t. I don’t think I had the right to.

‘I love you hair’ Yep! That’s what I said. Bizarre, yes, but true.

‘You can touch them’ she offered with a smile. I was happy she smiled. I grabbed a bunch. Wow. Never have non-living things felt so incredible. One hand on the steering & the other caressing those luscious tresses. Bloody Heaven. Weird. Therapeutic. Oddly funny.

I realised I had been holding her hair for longer than any normal human being should. Abruptly, I let go off her tresses. ‘Sorry’ I said quite embarrassed at my stupidity.

‘That’s alrite’ she said smiling heartily now. I was happy about that.

We reached her place. I parked the car in her spot. We stood outside the car. I was unsure about the next course of action.

‘You can come up till Karan’s chauffeur shows up’

‘If you insist’ I said. She smiled again. I was on fire baby.

We were in the lift. ‘So, you’re with Karan’

‘No, I’m straight’

‘Sorry…………………….. Well, good for girls. You’re a wonderful bloke.’ Me: Wonderful bloke. Seriously, what have you been drinking?

11^th floor. That’s her. We walk to her door. She opens it with a swipe key. We walk in.

‘Coffee?’ she says

‘Why not’

The kitchen is part of the living room. She kicks-up the kettle. Pulls out 2 mugs. I love china. I love instant coffee. Beans are for snobs & French.

She pours the hot water into the mugs. Coffee is ready. Grabs the mugs & comes over.

‘Let’s go to the balcony’ she says. I oblige. We go through the sliding doors. I take my mug off her. We lean over the railing & gaze into Mumbai. I still like to call it Bombay.

‘You know I like you’

‘Why’. I’m bad with compliments. I barely ever get them & when I do I get embarrassed & respond stupidly.

‘Coz you’re an idiot’

‘That I’m, Jiah’

‘I didn’t ask your name’

‘Aditya’

‘Aditya. Can I ask ya something personal’

‘Fire away’

‘Have you been in love?’

‘Hell yeah’

‘Has someone broken your heart?’

‘Quite certainly did’

She looked at me. She didn’t probe further. We stared away. This freakish city really can’t sleep. And something told me neither can this girl with magical hair

‘Have you ever committed suicide’ she asked. She didn’t seem to be joking.

‘Not that I’m aware of’ I answered with a straight face. ‘Have you?’ I added going with the flow.

‘I’ve thought about it’ she said. ‘Have you?’

‘I reckon we all do’

‘Do you think it is cowardly to kill oneself?’

‘I don’t know the answer to that’. I really didn't.

She looked me in the eye. Then she nodded.

My phone tinkled. It was Kailash. Karan’s chauffeur. It was time to go.‘I’ll be there in a minute’ I told Kailash on the phone. I clicked it shut.

‘Gotta go’

‘Yep, sure.’ She took the mug off me.

She walked me to the lift. I pressed the button. We stood there in silence.

‘Hey, it’s my b’day tomorrow. Will be drinking & shit at Karan’s place. You can---------’

‘I will be there’ she intercepted. Impressive.

Lift arrived. Am I supposed to hug her? Bit confused. She moved forward. We embraced. I touched her hair. But this time I was conscious about not over-doing it. We parted. I entered the lift. I saw her smiling as the doors shut between us.

On my way to Karan’s place I left the windows open. I let the wind smash into me. I liked how it felt. It was a good night, after all.

3^rd June. I had turned 25. Karan told me Jiah was 25 too. That reminded me she hadn’t come or contacted me. We never exchanged numbers. Aha. She hadn’t contacted Karan either. I took her number from Karan & dialled. It was almost 11pm.

She didn’t answer. I left a text message.

"Hey it’s the ugly bloke you met last night. I’d love for you to come over. You know the place. Do come if you ain’t got nothing better to do ;) "

She didn’t come.

We drank through the night. I don’t know when I feel asleep. I think I passed out. I woke up in the kitchen. I must have fallen in the kitchen. It took some effort to get off the floor.

It was 6.15pm. How long have I been sleeping. Coffee. That’s what I needed. Right now I couldn’t recall anything. Damn coffee.

And I needed to get outta here. I needed some air. I found my shoes. Tied them on & off I went.

I walked out into the street. It had rained earlier. I love b’day rains. I think I just love rains.

I spotted a coffee shop after I had walked aimlessly. I walked in. Ordered a take-away black coffee. Double-shot. 

As I was walking out, I saw an over-zealous news correspondent yelling something from the flat-screen on the wall. I couldn’t hear. I had headphones on.

Jiah's picture flashed in the background. I undid my headphones.

The caption read: Jiah Khan commits suicide. Time of death: 11:30pm, 3^rd June 2013.

A sudden chill sped through my spine. I went cold. I stared blankly into the flat screen. I started to shiver. I put my headphones back on & rushed out of the coffee shop.

I couldn’t walk much further. I sat down on the pavement. I was crying. I started crying out loud. I think I started to scare the shit outta people walking past.

After the shivering & tears sub-sided, I sat their motionless. My coffee had gone cold. Jiah’s face flashed in front of my eyes. Her smiling face as the lift doors shut on us.

I felt torn. Shattered. And I didn’t know what to do. I hailed an auto to the beach.

I sat on the beach thinking. I asked: Had Jiah seen my phone call? Had she seen my text? Why did she do it? 

Many questions tortured me. But it didn’t matter. The answers didn’t matter. Jiah was gone. Nothing can change that. Nothing will bring her back.

She died on my b’day. That’s what I will remember for the rest of my life. And I will remember her smiling face.

I damn right will.