Rahul Gandhi vs. Karan Thapar -- The Bloody Ordinance.

A billion Indians missed out on the surprise superhit film of September 2013 as they were super-glued to the mouth-watering Big Boss.

The movie: The Bloody Ordinance; Starring: Rahul Gandhi & Manmohan Singh (in a ghost appearance)

Here, let me fill you billion basterds in on the plot of the bloody ordinance. Ordinance allows convicted legislators to continue to hold office. Meaning Lalu Yadav can continue to rule-the-roost from Jail.  

The bloody ordinance, the movie, gave Ranbir Kapoor’s Besharam a run for its money & Rahul Gandhi joined the coveted 100-crore club.

But our salt-&-pepper haired reviewer Karan Thapar didn’t like it one bit. He called it preposterous along with other sweet expletives. He particularly hated the climax. I loved it. Better than Ocean’s Eleven.

Here’s the climactic speech by Rahul that has particularly left Thapar incensed.

Rahul: “My opinion of the ordinance is that it is complete nonsense and should be torn up and thrown away.”

As the audience broke into an eardrum rupturing thunderous applause Thapar sulked & slipped out of the theatre gritting his teeth, seething in anger.

Entered his house in a flash. Switched on his Macintosh. Slam, slam, slam bam-bam. Fingers hit the keyboard at speeds of lightning. His diatribe appeared for the billion on Sunday 06-Oct-2013 in Hindustan Times.

Let’s open the papery paper & dissect Thapar’s main grouses with my dirty scalpel.

Thapar: “It’s immature if not also inexplicable for an “aspiring” PM candidate to criticise his govt. & incumbent PM in public.”

The Basterd (me): The word that distracts me like the firm-bosomed bombshells in South Delhi malls is: Aspiring.

How on earth can anyone associate the word “aspiring” with the Gandhi scion? He, Rahul Gandhi, has PM-crown sitting patiently on his bed-side table. Waiting for Rahul to finally pick it gently & coronate himself. The 1.2 billion is waiting. He, for that matter, hardly cares for it.

Mr Thapar your attitude seems peculiarly similar to BCCI chief Srinivasan: My way or highway.

Are you advocating partisan politics? To always adhere to the generic rule of never saying anything against your own.

And yet you are the first to criticise Akhilesh Yadav for playing a puppy to his bulldog father.

Do you want Rahul to suck up his beliefs & convictions & suck in anything that his Mom or UPA throws his way? And when they are wrong & he knows they are. He should just cover their backsides from the media honchos, BJP, Jhaadoo Party & every other aam aadmi.

Mr Thapar what do you want. You’re confusing the crap out of me.

Thapar: “And to do so when the PM is in The USA, hours away from meeting Obama & preparing for a summit with Nawaz Sharif, is not only thoughtless but damaging India’s Credibility.”

The Basterd: Again, yet again, I’m distracted: India’s Credibility. For heaven’s sake, Karan. What drug are you on.

You’re saying India’s Credibility is flushed down the toilet because Rahul the “aspiring” PM stood up for what was right, was solid & upfront about it.

I thought India’s Credibility was already crushed by the avalanche of beautifully crafted gems like: Dec-16 brutal rape, 1.86 trillion (yes, trillion) mining scam, $ 27 billion 2G scam, Adarsh Society scam, Fodder scam (muah Lalu muah), Radia tapes, Bofors scandal (Rajiv Gandhi, allegedly), CWG multiple scams, Match-fixing, Asaram Bapu rape saga, etc. The list is eternal.

I thought all this would have done the job of burying India’s Credibility. But, Sir, you don’t think so. It is Rahul’s stand that did it for you. Really, what have you been smoking? I would love some of that good shit in my lungs.

Mr Thapar you’ve admonished him for being too quiet & now you’ve bitch-slapped him for speaking up for what is right. Pick a side dammit.

Thapar: “If he had judgement he would’ve spoken to the PM quietly. If he had judgement he wouldn’t have embarrassed the govt. - not to mention his own mother.”

The Basterd: Mother, seriously. Mr Thapar I’m stunned that you’re concerned about Rahul’s mother’s sentiments. The bloody ordinance is way bigger than the Maa-Betay ka Pyaar of India’s biggest Parivaar. This rushed article, I believe, is surely hurting your credibility.

Anyway, how did you assume Rahul never spoke quietly with the PM? Silence & quiet. These are the quintessential virtues of our pavitra as Sita PM. Clearly PM assured Rahul that they’ll trash the ordinance but forgot to (or chickened out) & vanished to the Big USA.

When Rahul realised this, he realised time is short. It is now or never. He went for broke. He pulled the trigger. The result of his firing is that the bloody ordinance is now officially scrapped. It has saved the UPA govt. from looking like a complete bunch of idiots.

Thapar: “Frankly, Rahul Gandhi doesn’t deserve to be the PM.”

The Basterd: Agree, agree, agree, and vociferously agree. But who the hell does, anyway.

Rahul, by no stretch of imagination, is a visionary or Bhagat Singh and he’s far from perfect. But neither is Manmohan Singh.

For 2014, Rahul & Modi are the best we’ve got right now.

The scarcity of 'Abraham Lincoln' kind of candidates for PM in India goes to show on the nation of 1.2 billion self-proclaimed know-it-alls than Rahul or Modi.

Frankly, it is easy for me to criticise a seasoned, spectacularly intelligent & charismatic journalist like you. It is darn easy for a master-class like you to criticise Rahul, his timing & cheekiness. But it is darn difficult, if not impossible; to run this country & fix all that is wrong with us.