Aashima Talwar: The Wedding & the Boy with Broken Smile

Till a week ago I had not travelled abroad (Nepal doesn’t count you know). That changed at supersonic speed. Now I’ve been to Australia (read: Ausometralia) & The Big USA. I write this as I sip my lovely hot chocolate at Pälládium Café, downtown California, L.A. Yeah baby.

Exactly seven days ago I landed in Melbourne. As instructed by Samaira, I caught the Airport to City Skybus. Cheap: $18. After that I took the shimmering tram to the legendary rustic Flinders Street station & hopped on the Pakenham line train, got down at Caulfield station. And there she was. First true love of my life. My heart skipped a beat (I knew it’ll). Five & a half years I hadn’t seen her. I gave her the hug of a wrestler. I felt the current rush through me. ‘My bridesmaid is here,’ she squeezed me harder. ‘I’m sorry, Ash I broke our solemn oath of “Being Sluts forever”’ she said still holding me tight. ‘You fell in love, Sam,’ I crooned. She slowly let go of me, grabbed my arm & confessed ‘I did,’ eyes moist. ‘Ryan better be spectacular’. I said. ‘He is sextacular, babes’. She made an obscene gesture. We laughed like we always did. Like it was y’day.

Next two and a half days were pure madness. We were in & out of all these bride stores & meeting non-English speaking Vietnamese tailors, doing our best to make the wedding perfect. I still hadn’t seen Ryan. Samaira had put restraining orders on him till the wedding day. He couldn’t come near her or me. She threatened to give him a black eye if he did. And I know Samaira never misses an opportunity to physically hurt someone. Even if that’s the love of her life.

On the wedding day Samaira was sweating (it is winter in Oz now) as she put on the magnificent flowing white dress. ‘Cold feet’ I asked as I fixed her dress. ‘Touch me I’ve goosebumps all over’. She really did. ‘You aren’t gonna runaway, right,’ I turned her to face me. ‘Are you?’

After looking at me for a long moment she said ‘This is the happiest day of my life, Ash.’ Kissed my cheeks. ‘Both the people I love the most are right here with me,’ she paused. ‘There is nowhere I’d want to be than here.’ I embraced her, she was shivering. Marriage truly scares the shit outta even the scariest of us.

When she walked down the aisle with Ryan, when she voiced her vows, even when Ryan kissed her for the first time as man & wife, she looked frightened. Then she grabbed him with all her might & whispered into his ear ‘If you leave me, you know I will die, but if one day you stop loving me, leave me, promise me that’. It was one hell of an awkward thing to say at the altar but Sam is weird. Ryan stayed calm & whispered back ‘Yeah right, like you’ll ever let me run away’ he laughed freely & kissed her again. Her nerves settled a bit.

In the after party I started to ‘think’ as I watched them dance slowly, so madly in love. Do I not want this? Am I sure what I’m doing is what I really want? Am I a little insane or totally mental? Do I really want to be alone when I’m old, grumpy & unwanted? Do I not want someone special?

Absurdly the answer was still yes. I’m not going to marry. I’ve got nothing against marriage. So if you want to marry, knock yourself out, have seven kids if that’s what makes you come alive. Being on my own without any strings attached gets me off. But I’m too smart to fool myself. One thing, if happens, will change everything. That scares the shit outta me.

What if I fall in love? As much I tell you that it is not going to happen I don’t know shit? Love ain’t gonna ask me or care for what I think. Do I want to fall in love? It’s tempting like hell. I pinched myself to get outta my hopeless daydream. I needed a distraction. I got one. I noticed a white bloke, dark hair, sad gray eyes, with a 5-day stubble sitting alone on the cocktail table adjacent to mine. He was looking nowhere in particular. He looked bored to death. The awesome thing about West is things are organised. Everyone sits as per the seating plan & there’s a paper name plate on the table in front of their dinner plate. His name was Harvey T Walters. Something drew me to him. I knew I had to talk to him. Without getting up I sort of shouted ‘Hey,’ he came out of his stupor, his eyes found me. ‘You seem to be having the time of your life’. I joked. ‘I’m much more cheery at a funeral’ he said with a straight face. I smiled. ‘I like your black sense of humor’. ‘Oh, don’t be misled, I’m terribly boring. I once talked to a maple tree & it died’. I don’t know about you but that one totally killed me.

I moved my name plate to his table & we talked till it was time to leave. I don’t recall anything in particular but we talked a lot about travel & life. Nothing philosophical & shit. One thing we both agreed was getting married was awfully stupid.

It was 1am. I wished Sam & Ryan all the luck in the world, hugged, kissed & all the clichéd stuff. As awfully stupid it is to marry, I was super happy for them. Odd, right. I asked Harvey if he had other plans for the night. He said ‘Unless going home & staring at the ceiling till I find sleep sounds like a plan, I don’t ’.

We hailed a cab to the St. Kilda beach. I love beaches. As Sam & I had been running about like mad cows for the past three days I didn’t get to go to one. Finally I was there. We bought two bottles of red wine & sat on the shore.

‘I was married once’ he told me after we’ve had several glasses of Pinot Noir. ‘Emma left me in 11 months’. He looked down, picked up the bottle, and refilled both our glasses. ‘She was the only one I fell in love with’ he said in a deep voice. ‘But I made the mistake of marrying her, it killed our love…….. killed us’. He didn’t speak any more of it. I didn’t ask. We lay on the fine sand looking at the stars. I felt calm, l felt happy.

At five am we took separate cabs. Next day I was with Samaira & Ryan (plus close family & friends) for lunch. Harvey didn’t come. I called him later in the day. He didn’t pick up or call back. I had my flight to California later that night at 1:15am. I convinced Sam it’d be totally ridiculous for her to come to the airport. I bid goodbye to Ryan & Sam. It was rather too melodramatic, awkward but somehow it felt right. Also that’s when I, for the first time, noticed how incredibly good-looking Ryan was & yes he did resemble Jahan a lot. Thank god I didn’t lose my voice again.

I reached the airport two hours early. I felt stupid as I kept looking back & around searching for Harvey. I wanted to see him once more. I don’t know why. I just knew I wanted to see him. It was almost time to board I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up & there he was. Oh my god I was so happy, I almost shrieked.

‘Why are you here’ I finally asked, stupidly. ‘Coz you wanted me to come’ he retorted calmly. ‘How did you know that’ another stupid question. ‘So I was right,’ he smiled & continued. ‘And you wanted to kiss me on the beach last night’. ‘Are you like Nostradamus or something?’ I was embarrassed. ‘But you waited for me to make the move, I didn’t, you missed out’. He claimed. ‘And you didn’t’. I frowned. ‘Quite certainly I did’. He accepted & went on. ‘Few years ago you fell in love with someone’. He paused. ‘I know you still miss him’. ‘Who the fuck are you?’ He was starting freak me out in a good way. ‘I’m the bloke who knows too much’. We laughed out loud.

He handed me a pack of Tim Tams, the legendary Australian chocolate biscuits, ‘This is a custom-made pack for you.’ He swore. ‘Oh, really’. I raised my brows. ‘You’ll find out’. Those were his final spoken words.

First call for boarding sounded from the overhead speakers. We stood awkwardly, wordless, confused. I realized I’ve had enough of waiting. I made the move. I kissed him. He kissed me back. When we let go we gazed at our faces, no words, funny emotions, lips still shivering. I picked my hand bag & started to walk away. I looked back once, he was still standing. Looking at me with his sad eyes, his broken smile. I rushed away before I started crying like an idiot.

In the plane I opened the Tim Tams. There was a picture of mine taken at the after party. I was smiling goofily while daydreaming looking at the dancing newlyweds. On the back of the picture Harvey had scribbled a note.

“I saw you before you saw me. I found you intriguing, dreamy. You were lost somewhere. I knew I had to capture that moment. I’m glad I did. I’m glad we met. I haven’t kissed you as I write this but I better have when you read it. Or I, or if I may say we, would’ve missed out on a beautiful memory. Because something tells me kissing you will be magical. That’s all I have to say. Goodbye, Ash. Stay true. Stay wonderful & never be somebody you’re not”

I slipped the picture in my jacket pocket, ate all the tim tams, drank a lot of scotch & slept all the way to California. I don’t remember them but I know I had amazing dreams.

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