Letter to Someone I Love

There are things I want to say.

The great thing is when you & I talk we are able to say what we’re feeling. That’s an awesome thing. But when we write in solitude, it’s different. May be it is more clear; more sure, may be more true if that’s possible between us. It is definitely easier to comprehend. It gives us the luxury of reading things over as many times to get the true meaning of what one is trying to say. By writing our thoughts we sort of immortalize our emotions in words. Not to glorify them but for us to visit them long after when those emotions are gone. Long after those people involved are gone. Perhaps long after we’re gone & someone is reading them, trying to find meaning, substance in them. Trying to decipher the people in them.

Life is a long rope of endless possibilities. Of opportunities, of moments, of scattered bits of love. At the end we’re all broken. Then we’re broken in the all those already broken places. That’s how we eventually become numb. Then we stop to feel anything. Perhaps that’s the time to go. To depart.

I’m not there yet. I still got many places I’m not broken many times over to make me numb. And I got you. So I got reasons to continue the journey. A journey that seems utterly pointless yet at times seems too magical that it feels like I’m so high on absolutely nothing but life itself.

In all I think it is the way it is. The surprises, the twists, the edginess, the rollercoaster, the madness, the quiet, the melancholy. The love. Yes, I think, I like life. So I will be here for a while longer. A while may be a bunch of decades or a few years.

I will stay till I go completely numb & feel nothing. Till then I will stay; of course unless I get hit by a raging truck. That’s another story :)

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I do not know why I’m feeling certain way for this girl. I don’t even know if any of it is real. And I don’t know how to know. I can’t control my emotions at times. Make that a lot of times. My behavior appears completely stupid at times.

"There’s surely something about her that hits me every time I see or imagine her. You've seen my eyes when I speak of her."

Till recently I was the only one feeling the duality of hurt & mystic of my situation. As I write this I’m not the only one anymore. That scares me, heartens me, it humbles me to have someone feel what I do.

What is clear, crystal clear to me is I want nothing & there’s nothing of the traditional long-term that would be between her & me. It is not something I want or will pursue.

I think I’m looking for some timeless memories. Pure, unbroken sparks of emotion with this girl. I know it is selfish to ask for what I want. And it will only make sense if it happens naturally. Only if life makes it happen, not by me facilitating it or god forbid asking for it.

I spoke to you about how I feel about love, marriage, kids & those things everyone does. You know now I’m not averse to those things. They simply clash with my ambitions. They will never understand my ambitions. And I will be broken between them & my ambitions.

For me to be able to do what I intend to, I must be free. By free I mean I must have things not blocking my path or questioning me why I’m doing what I’m doing.

The only reason I want my books or any writings to be published is so I can make a name & money that will enable me to open those schools. Boarding schools for those kids who would otherwise end-up selling tea or making firecrackers with their little fingers.

Oddly, I think I will fail miserably at what I’m trying to achieve in my life. But I intend to fail trying till the day I’m totally numb to it all. I will go all the way with it. That’s my little promise to life.

I can’t even explain how strongly I feel for what I wrote above. My heart breaks every day when I see the world we live in. When I see little kids begging; dying in cold under the bridges. Not a day passes without me feeling like shit.

I don’t mind though. That’s why my resolve is solid. For me happiness is a luxury that will deviate me from my purpose. The luxury of a loving wife, kids & a nice house. A life that is beautiful & safe from the broken, shattered outside world.

I know for certain if I try to have both ‘my aim & the regular life’ I will be torn & eventually give up on my aim & fall into the trappings of happiness. If my resolve somehow doesn't break then I will destroy both my aim & my regular life. That can’t be good for anyone.

Two reasons for my apparent pessimism are: what I intend to do is too difficult & I intend to do it with honesty & that makes it near impossible. And the second reason: my wife & kids will hate me when they’ll see me giving away all his money so he can feed some poor kids & give them a different life. And the same father will refuse to buy them iPhones & branded clothes when he clearly has the funds to do all that. There’s nothing worse than having the money & not being able to spend it. Actually there is: to see that money spent on people who aren’t our own.

I know it may seem extreme to not buy an iPhone for my kids when I can. But then where do I draw the line. With money there’s no stopping. It is best to draw the line at the very onset. Because once we buy the iPhone then we will look to buy the big SUV, then the big bungalow. The money game never stops. So it must be strangled at the onset. At the iPhone level.

P.S. The place I intend to go, no girl would want to come along me with all her heart. So I must walk alone.

I’m bullet strong but I’m just a man. I still need someone who I can think of when I’m in the dumps & everything is going to shits. You’re the only one I got.

Go anywhere you want. But keep me in your heart. That’s enough for me. That’ll take me over the line.

This letter will perhaps make little sense or appear philosophical mishmash to someone who knows me less. And that’s why this letter is written to you.

I was feeling lost today. I’m happy I wrote this letter. It makes me feel more settled. Even if it is for now, even if it is for a few moments. What a lucky basterd I’m to have someone to be able to write my heart out. And that’s why I love life. And that’s why I love you.