Why do Girls Dress up

There have been great questions that have mesmerised humankind over infinity. Did Gandhi have a threesome with his nieces? Why Shawshank Redemption didn’t win any Oscars? Is Pamela Anderson’s sex tape superior to Kim Kardashian’s? Who the frock killed John F. Kennedy? And why does Kingfisher beer taste like pigeon piss?

But, I’m shallow & all I care about is why the frock I’m so ugly. And why do girls dress up.

I’ve asked them, of course, lots of them. The hands down winner answer has been: “I dress up for me, dipshit.” It isn’t difficult to insult me, but fooling me is as tough as beating Paris Hilton at being stupid.

I don't even want to pretend to know what or how girls think. I haven’t a darn clue why I wake each morning or why I was thinking of Nando’s chicken when I was in the middle of this one night stand 11 years ago with this Oz-Greek girl whose name I had already forgotten or never knew in the first place.

May be she dolls up for the street dogs or the beggars whose eyes light up when they see her strut out. May be it to impress the birds & the gods. May it is to intimidate all us loser men & get us to do that crunch PowerPoint presentation or to buy her that rare diamond ring. May be she does it to make that ravishing lad at office to finally ask her out as she wouldn’t because in India the chics who ask out boys are pronounced 'such a slut'. May be girls dress up to tell the world “We are here, sit up & take notice.”

I don’t frocking know. I don’t know much in life apart from the fact that god really doesn’t give a shit about us mortals. And certainly doesn’t want to gulp down thousand litres of full cream milk made shadily by Amul. God’s also not interested in our blood money because s/he isn’t lining up to buy the next Lamborghini or that Penthouse on Nariman Point.

And let’s not forget how shallow the whole dressing up shit is. Particularly in a country where parents sell their kids to firecracker factories as slaves so they can live. So, spending 11 grands on hair smoothening is frocking cruel, babes.

Anyway, let’s put this universally proclaimed theory of dressing up 'for self' to a litmus test.

Imagine a situation like Will Smith found himself in the film I am Legend for a night. There are no other human beings left in the world. Will she still go out all decked up as she would’ve done when there were people outside. Or she'll leave the house in her favorite worn T & boyfriend boxers. Because today no one will tell her - your shorts are too short, slut - you shouldn't be out at this hour - why are you dancing bare-feet in the middle of the street - she's been standing on the side of the road for about a minute, oh, she's gotta to be a whore. 

Imagine another situation where 3 BFFs have to stay in-doors & have the whole house to them for two nights. Will they wake each day & put on the liquid lipstick, blow their hair, put mascara & kohl & slip into those rocking red, blue, purple dresses at night. Or will they instead live in their wrinkled pyjamas & bring the house down each night to the tunes of Rita Ora or Lana Del Rey - stay up all night long talking about things no one else can imagine or understand & isn't supposed to - drink all the Budweiser they can & smoke the hell up (or whatever's their poison) because they know tomorrow reality will attack & their freedom will be snatched.

It really makes me think of the bigger questions: Why we do anything. Why do we date? Why do we hate? Why do we fall in love? Why do we marry? Why do we kill animals? Why do we have religion? Why do we think we know anything for sure? Why are we so scared all the time that we hardly ever say what we truly believe?

I don’t know have any answers to any of those questions. I'm stupid, I've always been stupid. It's not too bad because of one thing. Because of her. They told me she'll never love you if you're broke. But she always loved me & I was always broke.

She inspired me to be a better man. I wanna do things that no sane man will do. I wanna do things that will kill me but make millions wake up & think again. If I had a little daughter, if she & her little friend were drowning & I could only save one of them. I will save the other girl. It will destroy my life & it will change the world in all the right places. That's the kind of thing I wanna do. I no more wanna live in a world where billions don't have food to eat & millions are making love in a thousand dollar suite.