If I had a Daughter

I’ve been accused of everything that a man can be accused of. It’s a sweet miracle that I’m not in prison with serial murderers & international terrorists. But don’t be surprised if that happens in the next few years. All the accusations & possibility of long-term imprisonment don’t make me lose a second of sleep. And I hardly ever defend myself against the wicked allegations, but I’m writing this letter as one recent accusation from a human, with whom I’ve spent ocean loads of ‘real time’ in 2018, is more out-of-line than Trump is as the US President.

The Allegation: “At times, I’m exactly like her parents.”

True that I’m twice her age [I’m 37; she’s 19], & if some things had ‘fallen in place’ between a girl I was sorta dating when I was 17, I could’ve had a daughter her age. But, that’s where the comparison takes birth & dies. Her parents and I are as apart as Jews & Nazis, as Gandhi & Osama.

Three days ago, her parents denied her permission to travel to Rishikesh alone even after she told them that she really wants to go there to unwind for a couple of days as she’s had a grueling academic session. They denied on the same premise every we-know-what-is-right-for-our-daughter Indian parent does: Daughter’s Safety isn’t Guaranteed.

If she were my daughter, I can’t imagine one situation where I would’ve denied her the permission. Actually, let’s step back a little - her going to Rishikesh would never have been dependent on my decision. I’m a stubborn asshole who has made up his mind about certain aspects of life & I don’t budge - ever. One of the aspects is that I’ve no right to permit or deny anyone their fundamental right to freedom to live their life. I’ve been this way with my sister & everyone I was in a relationship with. If my teenaged daughter asked me - ‘Dad, is it alright if I travel out-of-station on my own or with my friends/boyfriend?’ my response, without a shred of doubt, would’ve been ‘Ya, if you want to.’

Will I not be worried about her safety - I definitely would be. Because if she dies or gets abducted or raped, my life will truly suck for the rest of my living years. But, I will never let her safety & my fears stop her from living her life & more importantly having real experiences & creating indelible memories. 

And I will repeat again - I’ve no right to allow or deny anyone, including my daughter/girlfriend/wife their freedom to live on their own terms. Anyone who does that - for any reasons whatsoever - to me isn’t evolved enough to be a parent & by extension human.

Her parents are also deeply concerned about her everyday life choices. A cleavage-revealing dress is objectionable. Drinking scotch & Smoking weed are shocking. Having a boyfriend is debatable. Having sex with the boyfriend is an absolute no-no. The premise of all the objections is - image & character. For me, image & character do not reside in the cleavage or vagina. About the image, I’m not at all concerned - anyone who requires validation from people known or unknown is a slave. And character resides behind the cleavage - in my daughter’s heart. Character is Integrity - the courage to do what is right when it’s the most difficult thing to do. If my daughter decides to wear revealing clothes & sleeps with her boyfriends or boys who are not her boyfriend, I will have zero opinion or judgment on that. None of her everyday choices will change or impact my relationship or perception of her character.

But will I be a hands-off parent in every aspect of her life? - Absolutely not. For instance, if she begins to date a bloke who’s already married, I will confront her right away & most likely blurt something along the lines of “Have you lost your fucking mind?” If she tells me “Back the fuck off, Dad”, I will. Why? Because of my original cast-iron belief: Freedom to live life on one’s own terms.

We, humans, are deeply flawed. We’ve to have the courage to accept our continual crappiness. I will never be a parent who ensures that his young daughter never gets into trouble - never fails - never falls. I will be the parent who’s there to give her a hand and pull her out of the gutter she’s fallen into. And when she says “Dad, I’m sorry for fucking up,” I will right away say “You’re alright, champ.” I will refuse to judge her because she screwed up or didn’t know any better. Because I know that we all screw up and it’s perfectly alright to fuck up. That’s how we learn - that’s how we evolve. 

And a lot of times, I will understand things, but I will not accept them. For instance, if she becomes addicted to tech or doesn’t take care of her health or is shit scared to ask a lad out whom she likes, I will give her hell for being a coward. I will push her to learn Tai Chi or something like that so she ain’t scared of asshole boys & can defend herself. I will get her sports shoes & boxing gloves. I will sit down & share a beer with her. I will give her 100s of books to read. I will climb a mountain with her if she’s alright hanging out with an old monster. 

So, yeah, I’m not like her parents. I’m old & intolerable. I’m hardly ever nice, but I’m not like her parents. Because if she were my daughter, she would already be packing her bags for that trip to Rishikesh. Already imagining all the awesomeness, she’ll have & all the memories she will paint her life with.