Why Bollywood & I got Divorced?

Bollywood & I don’t speak anymore. But our love wasn’t always this grey & cold. When I was ridiculously young, B & I were madly in love like Jack & Rose. Over time, our Titanic drowned.

Let’s start at the start.

B & I had been friends for years before our first real date — a matinee show of 1942 — A Love Story on a blazing afternoon of May 1994 in Delhi’s legendary Delite cinema.

When Gorgeous Koirala & Hairy Kapoor kissed, B & I froze & surrendered to the avalanche of bone-chilling winds of crushing attraction.

I had already seen 20-odd Bollywood films on TV, but watching 1942 — A Love Story on the silver screen was an experience worth killing innocent newborns for.

Soon, I got addicted to watching movies in the theatre like MJ got addicted to touching kids.

B & I’s crush metamorphosed into young love when I watched the second half [my parents were super late & missed the entire first half] of DDLJ in 1995. By the time the curtains fell, I was deeply in love & Shahrukh became my first man crush. There on, I eagerly waited for all his new films’ music cassette releases — I waited outside the single-screen theatres in Dehradun to watch the first day first shows of his films with tickets bought in Black at triple the original price.

From 1995-99, I watched at least one film a month in the theatre & tons of films on TV when I could.

In 1999, B & I got married in a low-key ceremony & vowed to stay together till the ‘death of film industry’ do us apart.

But every punk with spunk knows that the most memorable love stories have one thing in common — mistress.

In early 2000, I moved to Adelaide — far away from my childhood sweetheart Bollywood. I instantly felt the hell a long-distance relationship brings. No Hindi films released in the theatres & none showcased on TV. There was no Netflix — no YouTube — no Torrents.

But I was addicted to Bollywood. I yearned to watch movies on the Big Screen. I needed my fix. I resisted the lure of neighbor’s hot wife, but eventually, I knew I couldn’t resist no longer — it was time to cheat. I went to the theatre to watch a movie — it wasn’t a Bollywood film.

Julia Roberts’ fiery performance in this biographical legal drama gave me the chills. As I was walking out of the theatre, I told my friend “She’s gonna win the Oscar.”

Erin Brockovich

She bloody did

I continued cheating with no intention of filing for a divorce. I wanted to keep my marriage alive along with this extra-delicious, extra-marital affair.

In July 2020, I moved to Melbourne. Hindi films got a big-screen release there. But often not in the big cinemas like Hoyts or Village Roadshow [known as PVR in India]. Mohabbatein was the first Hindi film I watched in Melbourne University’s in-house movie theatre. In this ridiculously long film [3 hrs 35 min], I felt both excited & sleepy.

I started visiting a Blockbuster store in Footscray — a shady suburb I lived in. There were aisles filled with thousands of movie cassettes made for VCRs.

If you’re a late-Millenial or Gen-Z, you may have never seen those fat video cassettes, and VCR might sound like an ancient machine used in the 17^th century by the Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan to watch steamy videos of his 17 wives showering together in the lavish baths in Taj Mahal.

Anyway — one day, I brought home — American History X — & played it on the VCR.

If 1942 a Love Story was my first crush, if DDLJ was my first young love, if Erin Brockovich gave me the chills — American History X made me grow up at supersonic speed within 1 hour 59 minutes.

21 years since I watched this film as a teenager, I know, for certain, this film altered my life & made me the writer — made me the man I’m today.

P.S. If you’re young [or alive] & haven’t watched this film — do it. 

Gradually, over the years, I kept moving away from my wife & moving closer to my mistress. Barring flashes of great moments/scenes, our marriage had transformed into a joke bigger than North Korea. On 15^th August 2014, I filed for our independence. When the grey-haired judge in the court of law asked me to state my reason for divorce. I spoke with socially unacceptable candour —

“Bollywood is derived, formulaic, uninspiring, too scared to go out-of-the-box & often soul-crushing.”

B & I were granted an instant divorce. Just like that, it was over. All of me felt sad. But I knew it was time to let go.

I never married again. Though I’m deeply fond of & grateful to Hollywood, I know we rather kiss & miss each other than wake up together everyday & ruin everything.  

B & I don’t speak anymore but there’s no bad blood — we haven’t reached a dead end. If I ever bump into a great Bollywood film, I will surely watch it. It will be a wonderful 2-hour date filled with nostalgia & exhume emotions that are buried deep within me, but aren’t dead like our marriage.

23 not-super-famous {in India} films that I love

1. American History X
2. Bol 
3. Freedom Writers
4. Crash
5. American Gangster
6. Blood Diamond
7. Clerks 1 & 2
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. Gone in 60 Seconds
10. Fight Club
11. Superbad
12. Juno
13. Lady Bird
14. Easy A
15. The Edge of Seventeen
16. Clueless
17. 40-year-old virgin
18. The Wedding Singer
19. Walk the Line
20. The Blind Side
21. A Few Good Men
22. Blades of Glory
23. A Night at the Roxbury