Love Letters to 7 Humans I Love — Vol. 1 of 3 —{Baba & Bikram}—

Baba & Me with Lal & Kim Jong-un on the TV ;) [Ahmedabad, 2006]

Life is fickle.

Death is certain.

Letters are eternal.

Love is thunderstorm.

I’m getting old as the mountains — so before some mothafucker shoots me dead in the midst of a cold shower, I gotta tell these 7 betches-&-basterds why I love ‘em more than Hannibal loves eating Humans.

[P.S. I already feel deeply ungrateful not to write to at least another 27 humans {if I’ve written a letter to you, you are one of those 27} who’ve been ridiculously kind to me & made my ordinary life beautiful. I hope —if you’re one of those 27— you’ll forgive me for my graceless ingratitude.]

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[—There is no love ranking — All 7 names appear alphabetically—]

Baba

2005 — The year of the greatest Ashes ever & also the year I fell in love, proposed, & got engaged.

2006 — After my wedding at Niagara Falls fell apart, I decided to do the honorable thing: Disappear. 

I ran away —of all the places— to Ahmedabad.

At my PG, I met a lot of boys.

None of the boys wanted to be an engineer — All of the boys were studying to be engineers.

Baba was one of the boys. I lived in the PG for 3 months, but it was after I left the PG & Ahmedabad is when Baba & I saw our friendship get smokey-&-caramelly like Scotch aged in charred barrels. As the years rolled on, we became thick like — Alan Shore & Denny Crane [Boston Legal]. Except unlike Shore & Crane, our friendship is real as thunderstorms.

Baba is the reason 2006 turned from a cold-hearted butcher of a year to a year I love like I love midnight stars, like I love number 23, like I love football. 

2006 is the year I found my best friend of my life. 

I’ve known him for 16 years. And whatever the fuck happens tomorrow, I will always love him & he will always be my soulmate.

I’ve a dour demeanor & I hardly ever laugh [I wasn’t always like this]. 

I don’t like compliments. I don’t give compliments. 

So it’s rather paradoxical that Baba & I end all our conversations — in person, on text, audio/video call with ‘I love you.’

Why do I love him?

We tell each other everything we feel without filter or chococoat. Friends always laugh together. Baba & I have often cried together. I hate phone calls but I often speak with him for 5 hours. 

And everytime, I’m with him, life becomes surreal like a dainty treehouse, magical like a frozen river in a desert. I love him because I don’t know how not to when I’ve felt him flowing in my blood.

Our friendship is how friendships were before Instagram reduced them to filtered pictures with temporary friends in fancy cafés.

I often wonder — had my wedding not fallen through in March 2006, I would never have disappeared to Ahmedabad, & I would never have met this beautiful basterd. When people say everything happens for a reason, I say to them — Fucking oath, it does!

I love you, Baba.

—You’ll always be my Danté & I will always be your Randal—
Clerks III will be out soon in 2022. I don’t know if you know, but I will gladly give away all my 7 lives-&-wives to watch it with you sitting next to me.

Don’t die!

Baba & I at a Vegan Café ;) [Bombay, 2015]

Bikram & Me with Manish Waugh [Bangalore, 2013]

Bikram {Not to be confused with molester Bikram from Bikram Yoga ;)

What is my friend Bikram like?

Bikram is a lot like Shashi Tharoor — mild-mannered & graceful. The only difference is, unlike Tharoor, he hasn't killed his wife — well, not yet 😊

Bikram is always calm as a dead body & that scares me to death.

Why? 

Because that’s also exactly how Dexter was.

P.S. Like Kohli, Bikram is also a proud Father & Husband (legit trolling ;)

How I met Bikram?

2013 — A Divorce paves way for a Marriage.

I was visiting a close friend in Bangalore. He sent his close friend [Bikram] to pick me up from the station. 

Where the fuck was my close friend?

He was in Bombay getting divorced.

In 2014, Bikram invited me to his wedding in Asansol. I stupidly booked zero tickets ‘to’ Asansol— two tickets ‘from’ Asansol. It was too late before I realized my blunder. I quickly booked a ‘to Asansol’ ticket but it got wait-listed. And it never got confirmed — I hopped on the train anyway. As I didn’t have a reserved seat, I sat next to the loo & then slept next to the loo too. It was super awkward, but 8 years later, it has become an experience that’s outright hilarious & memorable.

As time went on, Bikram & I grew closer. It was a bloody slow process. Now he has become a chuddy-buddy, whom I’m contracted not to murder till Feb 2027.

He’s read most of my 163 letters [blogs]. He has read two of my three novels & given my books the most lukewarm reviews ever. I must admit, I’ve thought of getting him assassinated a few times. He’s one lucky basterd as I’m more Mother Teresa at heart than Vladamir Putin.

Two years ago, when the world began dreading [instead of chugging] Corona, Bikram & I began our YouTube Podcast BluntBasterds. We still don’t get much views as we don’t have tits-&-vag, but doing the Podcasts feels a lot like making love. And it wouldn’t have been possible without this proud Father-&-Husband. (trolling continues ;)

I can’t claim that we’re best friends or we share our heart & soul with each other. I mean unless you call someone bencho/mofo everytime you see them, the interaction feels super formal. There is still a level of weird wall of formality between us, which does temporarily become wafer-thin when we have a couple of light beers. I’ve mostly had heart-to-heart with him after the clock crosses 00.00 hours. Bikram’s a certified owl.

I’ve lived with his family for over a month —thrice. He [& family] have been gracious enough not to stab me while I’m asleep. But to be safe, I always hide all the kitchen knives & bolt my door before I go to sleep.

Why do I love him?

In a world full of sell-outs, he’s reliable as a government job in UP — everlasting as HMT wrist-watch [known to last generations] — dependable as Bata hawai chappals.

But mostly, I love him because when he can find 7 reasons to quit on you, he will find one to stick with you. And that’s rare in humans of today.