What the Fuck is wrong with Virat Kohli?

Virat Kohli’s career is a lot like Game of Thrones. For the first seven seasons, it was murdering & massacring through the skies like the Earth’s Fastest Fighter Plane —ending bowlers’ careers — re-writing world-records — giving orgasms to 1.5 billion Indians — & then in Season 8, Kohli’s Fighter Plane came crashing down like the Twin Towers. A lot like the 9/11 tragedy, no one saw it coming or perhaps we were all passed out drunk as Kohli’s love story turned from a SuperHit-show to SuperShit-show. 

If you love Kricket & Kohli more than making sweet-sweet BDSMLove to your step-dad’s juicy girlfriend, then you must have already made-up million fangirl theories explaining Kohli’s sextacular Fall from Grace — Fatigue, Empty Stadiums, Out-of-Form.

Let me piss all over your fangirl mumbo-jumbo theories.

Fatigue: This bloke is literally the most rested player in the History of Cricket. He’s even resting [baby-sitting] right now as India is playing SA in the T20i series.

Empty Stadiums: Kohli crashed to the worst form of his career when stadiums were filled beyond 100-thousand spectators in IPL 2022.

Out-of-form: It’s been 32 months & the world survived a murderous pandemic [& I’ve survived 3 bitter divorces] since this punk hit a hundred. 

We might as well blame Climate Change & Vladamir Putin for Kohli’s fuckall form.

Frankly, I love Kohli & seeing him bat like Glen McGrath hurts me more than the day my parents refused to pay even a rupee in ransom to my Afghani kidnapper, who took me to Kabul & sold me to Taliban’s training squad to assassinate Benazir Bhutto. Damn! I wasn’t supposed to reveal that.

Anyway

On 1^st June ‘22, I went to a shady-supermarket in my dirty boxers — bought way-too-many kilos of cheap cheese, chocolate, cokes & chips [& cocaine]. I came home — locked myself, switched off the phone, & began my revolutionary research to find out — What the Fuck is wrong with Kohli?

22 days later & 23 kilos fatter, I present to you my critical findings that I have to admit, with humility, have made me the hot favorite to win the Nobel Prize in Sleazy Literature.

Here are the Five Reasons Why [PseudoScienceLegend—SadhGuru Approved] Kohli has been batting a lot like Monty Panesar since 2020.

AB de Villiers vs. Dinesh Karthik — Family-First vs. Cricket-First

To me, AB de Villiers is to cricket what Roger Federer is to Tennis — once-in-a-millennium genius. AB retired in 2021 [soon after the birth of his third kid] not because he had lost his magiclike ability to destroy the greatest bowlers. He retired because his family [wife & 3 kids] are now his no. 1 priority.

Like AB, Shane Warne also had 3 kids, but unlike AB, Warne’s no.1 priority was always Cricket. He kept playing cricket till he physically could. Ditto for Federer, who’s about to turn 41, still refuses to retire even after having 4 kids & winning 20 Grand Slams.

I love AB, but AB doesn’t love Cricket anymore.

Dinesh Karthik [37] & Dipika Pallikal [30] became parents to twins on 18^th October 2021. 

Both had had long & successful careers & could’ve taken a break [like Kohli did ‘before & after’ his daughter’s birth] — instead, they let their ‘parents & friends’ take care of their newborn boys & began to work their asses off. The results are there for everyone to see. Within less than 6 months of giving birth to twins, Pallikal won two World Championship Golds in Scotland — in Mixed & Doubles. And DK was on Fire in the IPL — ending the season with the highest strike rate of any batter. And now he’s back playing for India. 

Kohli & AB are best friends.

If Kohli wants to be magical again, he has to follow DK’s footsteps, not AB’s. 

Nothing to Prove — Comfort of 700 Crores, 70 Centuries & 250 million followers

Since 2019, Kohli has often stated, ‘I’ve nothing to prove.’ In essence, he’s spot on — he’s proven beyond doubt that he’s a Champion. The trouble is he’s still playing at the Highest Level — this means everytime he pulls on the Indian jersey, he’s gotta justify his spot in the playing XI & all the millions he earns to play.

Here’s what Kohli has written in his crisp bio on Twitter & Gram

 

Twitter: A proud husband and father ♥️

Gram: Carpediem!

None of these two major platforms where he has 250 million followers, even mention he’s a Cricketer.

Question: How many humans in India have become husbands & fathers since the first-ever Test match was played at the MCG between Australia & England in 1877?

Answer: 100s of crores 

Question: How many humans have become Indian National Test team’s captains? 

Answer: 35

And of those 35 basterds, Kohli is the most successful captain of all. And yet, there’s not even a mention that he even plays Cricket!

After 70 international hundreds, he doesn’t have to prove to any mothafocka that he’s a genius. But if past performances guaranteed a spot in Team India, then Kapil Dev would still be playing for India & bowling military mediums [110-125 km/hr].

Heavyweight Boxing Fight — BCCI beats Kohli [by Surrender]

We will never know what exactly transpired behind the satin curtains, but whatever it was, it totally screwed with Kohli’s sanity.

He took the easier road — instead of Fight, he took the first Flight out. Within months, he gave up all Captaincies — ODI, T20i, RCB, & then Test. All the Pundits & Kohli fanboys said, now that the burden is off, he will perform. What a load of rubbish. Kohli has performed the best as a Captain. Captaining doesn’t burden Kohli, it elevates him. Without Captaincy, Kohli is more confused than a Kangaroo in a GayStripclub in Karachi.

He’s no longer captain of anything. He’s slowly retiring from Cricket & responsibilities on the field. And rapidly picking up responsibilities of fatherhood & husbandhood. 

No matter what Kohli says or believes, his heart is no longer with Cricket. He’s no longer in Love with Cricket. He’s in love with a quiet, serene life with his wife & baby. 

The Curse of 30s, Fatherhood & Filmstar Wife

Blaming Kohli’s dismal performances directly on ABA {Anushka, Baby & Age} would be stupid like Haryana panchayat’s leader blaming chowmein for boys raping girls [true story].

But ABA has indirectly impacted Kohli’s career bigtime.

Siraj’s father passed away in the middle of India-Australia Test series — He didn’t go back to India to bury his father. He stayed after the Death of a loved one. Kohli left before the Birth of a loved one. And that’s where it all started sinking down the sink. 

Siraj didn’t have the privilege or full stomach. He had been waiting a decade to play for India. 

Kohli had already been playing for India for a decade. He had both the privilege & full stomach.

I’ve tons of respect for Ravi Shastri, but he was dead wrong when he said [in the middle of the IPL season after Kohli’s neverending flopshows]

“Kohli is overcooked — if anyone needs a break, it’s him.”

Harshal Patel’s blood-sister passed away in the middle of the IPL — he went to the funeral & was back within a day to train with RCB. 

If Kohli wanted a break, he should never have drafted himself for IPL 2022. He can’t just say after playing 7 matches that now he needs to take a break after pocketing 15 crores & making absolutely no runs or impact for RCB. 

All I’m saying is when McGrath’s wife, Jane, was dying of cancer, she didn’t want him to be sitting next to her, she asked him to go out & do what he loved the most — Play Cricket. 

Do you reckon Anushka would do what Jane did?

Edge & FearFactor are Dead

For 8 years, Virat Kohli scored a century almost once a month. He hasn’t scored a century in 32 months. It’s not even about the hundred. He’s lost his Edge — his FearFactor is dead. In fact, bowlers look at him & all they see are chinks, not the monstrous run-machine he has been since debuting for India in 2008. 

Lotsa players have maddening skills — Mind is where Kohli dominated — the same front-foot prod that everyone believes is his downfall was the exact prod that catapulted him to the helm of the Cricketing echelon. 

Intent is there, but it’s mellowed-Intent. Kohli still drizzles, but Kohli never rains anymore.

Will Kohli have his Last Dance?

I saw Raphael Nadal play the other day. He won 14^th [fuck me dead] French Open title. When he won 5, he had nothing more to prove — when he won 10, he had absolutely nothing more to prove to any mothafocka ever born or ever will be born. Yet everytime he steps on the Clay, he’s ready to bleed, he’s ready to die on it. Until Kohli is ready to bleed & die on the grass, he’s toast. 

I bet Kohli will still make more centuries — even 10-20 more, but all of me feels that they will just be hollow statistics, not matchwinning masterclasses. 

Will Kohli’s career end like Game of Thrones’ final season, or like Michael Jordan, he will have the Last Dance? 

Go figure!