—✮☆—Derry Girls—✮☆—Orgasmic✮Authentic✮Sextacular✮10 outta 10

At 21, while watching football, I often hoped I was getting a blowjob instead. 

At 41, while getting a blowjob, I often hope I was watching football instead.

When you’re young & dumb, a block of chocolate, a can of coke, a shot of vodka, a stick of cigarette, a slice of pizza, slightest sight of cleavage, a split-second kiss, half-page love letter, pair of new sneakers, blink-&-miss glance from a hot girl, 19/20 on the class test, 70-rupee weekly pocket money, ‘I like you’ note from your high school sweetheart feels like winning a million dollar lottery & getting an orgasm—all at once.

 

As years roll on, tits sag, egos swell — you get hotshot jobs, latest iPhones, travel in airplanes, dine in kickass cafés, have 24/7 wifi-tainment, live in posh apartments, party in 5 stars, drive fast cars, and yet nothing shakes your soul — nothing makes your heart wonder.

The stay-at-home-or-you-will-die-bitch-days of pandemic turned lotsa privileged humans into sourdough-bakers, reel-makers, tiktokers, netflix-bingers, woke vegans, lgbtqia+ allies, BLM-champions, karaoke singers, poetesses, podcasters, vloggers, how-to-survive-pandemic experts, mental health advocates, zoom birthday celebrators, & lovers of vibrators.

While growing up, we were sold tons of lies dressed as gospel truths. Apart from the comically transparent lie that God created Humans, the lie that makes me chuckle till I choke is — All Humans are born Creative.

Almost all humans are Consumers, not Creators. Barring a few glorious exceptions, 99.97% of humans are less creative than a tequila-chugging, psychotic Dolphin with daddy issues & a deadly obsession with Japanese sex dolls.

When we’re not studying-or-working to make money to buy things, we spend time on things that are easy-to-do & give us instant gratification: Netflix, Instagram, TikTok.

I don’t have Instagram/TikTok — though I have Netflix that someone else pays for, I didn’t watch any series or films on it between 2020 & 2022. This is highly alarming as during the pandemic, Netflix, Instagram, TikTok made all humans their bitch. This doesn’t mean I’m better than you Netflix-Instagram-TikTok junkies/slaves, it just means that I don’t have pretty pictures to post & every series/film gives me a feeling of déjà vu & puts me to sleep.

On 10^th October 2022, I went to Nainital on an 11-day solo trip & lived at GoStops hostel. On Day 7, I absent-mindedly walked into the hostel’s projector room. Another solo-traveller, a nerdy engineer, was scrolling through the zillion options on Netflix. That’s when Derry Girls’ promo caught my eye. I felt insanely attracted to it, like Jackson/Dahmer felt insanely attracted to young boys. I told the nerd that we shall watch this show later in the evening. Evening came, but we never watched the show. Months flew by — 2022 died — 2023 was born.

3^rd January ’23 — Seventeen minutes after discussing the Future of AI with a schizo squirrel, followed by a heated altercation with the Bank of Baroda ATM, I finally went on my long overdue date with Derry Girls.

The show is set in the ‘90s in Derry, Northern Ireland. Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle, James are the Derry Girls. James isn’t biologically a girl, but he becomes one of ‘em — and he’s English [everyone else is Irish]. I watched 18 outta 19 episodes over a month. I finally watched the final episode a few minutes ago. Now, I feel weirder than a mom whose Jesus-cuddling virgin daughter dropped outta high school & became a stripper in Vatican.

Netflix doesn’t owe me nothing. I don’t even bloody pay for it. And my time isn’t precious enough, so if the show I watch turns out to be crap [aka ‘2 Broke Girls’], then I really can’t get my knickers in a twist about it. So when, from minute one to the last, Derry Girls made me feel like it did, the least I can do is write the fuck about it.

✮☆—Four.point.Five Things I Love About Derry Girls—✮☆

Fuck Diversity — Make Love to Authenticity: I’m sick to death with forced onscreen diversity where the makers are grabbed-by-the-pussy till they cast minorities even if they can’t act or fit the narrative. Derry Girls’ cast is almost all White. Why? Because in 1994, in the town of Derry, almost everyone was White.

QuntyQuestion: I wonder if Hollywood’s hostile diversity police will sue Derry Girls’ makers for casting 97% girls [the show is set in a Catholic Girls’ School] instead of adhering to the now mandatory 50-50 ratio between boy & girl actors/screen-time?

Inappropriate Jokes In — Wokes Out: The show is filled to the brim with inappropriate/authentic humor that always hits the bull’s-eye. Michelle’s English cousin, James, is constantly reminded how effeminate he is & that he’s a savage because all English people are savages.

When Erin asks the Inspector, “How many Catholics are in the police force?” he responds, “Three, if you count the Jew.”

Even arguably the greatest sitcom Seinfeld had a laugh track. Derry Girls, even without a laugh track, is so rip-roaringly funny that it made even a miserable sod like me laugh like a lunatic.

Head Mistress, Sister George Michael: Before I write anything, I gotta confess that it’s totally assoholic of me to pick one character as my favorite as literally every character [including those who appear for barely 27 seconds] is fucking memorable. But if you stuck a gun to my head, I’d pick Sister Michael — she steals every scene she’s in. Her dry scathing wit, cunty demeanor, & deadpan dialogue delivery made me pregnant with triplets. 

I’ll leave you with one of her non-Woke gems — Sister Michael tells all the students, “If anyone is feeling anxious or worried or even if you just want to chat, please, please, for the love of god, do not come crying to me.”

Far [Far] Superior than Fleabag: Over the last few years, I’ve heard glorious praise for the English actor/screenwriter — Phoebe Waller-Bridge for creating the magnificent Fleabag. Fleabag made me laugh, but I don’t love it. And I know why people love it. Waller-Bridge uses all the gimmicks to make Fleabag addictive & it succeeds spectacularly in holding your attention. But once you’ve eaten it all, you can taste its artificiality & narcissism. Fleabag is unoriginal — it’s a darker/filthier version of the marvelous British comedy, Miranda. Or as someone succinctly put it — Fleabag is Miranda with anal sex.

Lisa McGee, creator & writer of Derry Girls, grew up in Derry & was the exact age as the primary characters [Erin.Clare.Orla.Michelle.James] in the 90s. No wonder every setting, character, dialogue, emotion comes across as authentic. 

No matter what Lisa creates next or ever, she’d never be able to match the genius of Derry Girls.

✮☆—Zero.point.Zero Things I Hate About Derry Girls—✮☆

Like all three of my love stories — it ended too soon.

Perhaps, that’s what makes it beautiful. 

—Unlike the Americans, the British don’t milk their cows/shows till her tits hit the floor—

Final Word

At one poignant moment in the show, Michelle tells James, “You’re a Derry Girl now.”
I know this might sound super cheesy, but I, too, feel a wee bit Derry Girl :)

I don’t care if it’s your wedding tonight —skip it if you must— and watch this magnificent spectacle that we all call Derry Girls.

P.S. It’s 4^th March ‘23 — Shane Warne’s 1^st death anniversary. 

Damn, now I miss both Derry Girls & Warne!