God was Murdered

I am a cusp between Messi & Rooney – Messi not in mad skills but in midget height – Rooney not in machismo but in ugliness. Born with no deformities but a Gift – thought Xenophobia was a gift – hated doctors & nurses instantaneously – But soon realized I hated All Mankind with equal vengeance – A bloody Misanthrope – Futbal came to my rescue & became my soulmate - It was like Calvin & Hobbes – In spirit & uselessness – I was mind-blowingly pathetic in academics – had no friends – A fact misanthropic lunatic can’t complain but cherish – But the levels of my human phobia were so high that I turned a legendary almost gay; team sport like futbal into a narcissistic loner (Read: Loser). I played against a mute brick wall. I got married to a quadruple divorced rich lady - whom no one wanted to touch. We made love (Yikes) & had quadruplets (Karma) – I got bored & filed for divorce – I got it; as judge adjudged her to be boring at par with Dalai Lama. ...

Karan Johar duped me into going to Abbottabad , Pakistan - to Interview - The Certified Terrorist No. 1 - Osama Bin Laden. Interview happened on 23rd April 2011 {exactly 9 days before the United States Navy Seal killed & buried him at sea} --- Flashback 21st April 2011 After refusing my advances for over a year - Tanya finally agreed to go on a candle-lit dinner & dance date with me - I was on top of the moon & hoped soon to be - on top of her - fingers crossed - contraceptives stocked The horrible ringtone of my phone & the over-zealous voice on the other side of it thwarted my moment of pure lustful happiness. Karan: You wouldn't believe this - I've procured Osama's number & he's agreed to do an Interview with us - How crazy cool is that shit man Me: You're saying you pulled off something CIA & FBI couldn't in 10 years Karan: This is real man - real as the twin tower crash -- I got lucky I suppose - Me: ...

A Candid - No-holds barred - conversation between a 21-year-old Radio Jockey {Aashima Talwar} & a 22-year-old Native Gurgaon Boy --- I {Aashima Talwar} wake-up with a hangover - shoes still on – hair messy – I look like a shipwreck – perfect aftermath of too many Tequila shots & Vodka golgappe last night in a glitzy Gurgaon club - I sit like a zombie on my dinner table – a cup of strong black coffee in my right hand as I flip the newspaper - 'The Delhi Times' - the main paper is sitting {along with egg shells} in the bin - main is full of puke inducing pictures of a perpetually constipated Pranab da Holy Shit! Holy Shit! I can't believe what I'm reading here -- there's a page full of girls holding up placards - there's unbelievable nonsense printed on them - they read: Real Men: Adore, Cherish, Respect women Are you fucking kidding me - There is not an iota of truth in this - I'm a girl & I know men - I face & d...

I was sitting at Mocha, across a lean {I was leaning too 'lecherously'}, raunchy, busty girl - wondering if they ’re real or silicon, if she's has a bf or gf or husband - & what lie will I tell my wife if I ended up in bed with this piece-of-art & didn't return home tonight ---- the dildo'ish' vibration of my cellphone killed my far-fetched beautiful daydream Me: Don’t leave a message - I'm either being eaten by fugly aliens or rotting-dead in a sewer Karan: Heya man - I know you're fuckin with me - Me: What up home-boy Karan: Could ya do me a solid Me: Do not even dare to ask me to watch Agneepath again Karan: Nope! it ain't that - I was scheduled to interview Dravid - but I've got a severe case of diarrhea - could ya fill in for me Me: I've got your back bro Karan: Aren't you a star Me: Alrite! now don't get all gay on me Karan: Gotta run - I'm totally screwed {he disappears to the bathroom} ...

---- Hey! dumbfuck where you goin with that pot Huh! what - Going to temple to suck on god Oh! you're in love with him - but why so besot Coz you're gay & you think he's so hot No! are you saying I'm so fuckin blasphemous -  Then why do ya lick on him - making him look better than everybody else What! what did you say - I can't hear ya - come near - be loud Yes that's good - now I can hear you through the crowd He made you rich - in return - he made you his bitch He got your fat ass married to a milky white-hot wife You're the CEO - Rolls-Royce is what you drive Built a 3-storey mansion in Churchgate Sent your daughter to study in United States  Your father is sick - in coma - lying-on-a-hospital bed All the property is gonna be yours - once he's dead Do ya know who I'm - You say you've never seen me before For the past 5 years - I've been sitting on this temple's sidewall Everyday you come ...

--- When I sit down & remember the time I recall it like the back of my mind It is vivid – crystal – It was 2009 Making friends – setting trends – taking pictures – scanning girls Pulling legs – Sharing meals – staring walls Silly fights - Staying over on Friday nights – Gurdwara visits way past mid-night – crazy bike rides Talking nonsense – Laughing as Sakshi daily cries Eating burgers & sandwiches at all-night joints On weekends - Walking around Knags - packing bags – Rushing to ISBT for 2 days trips to wherever it takes Forming the Chochu gang – it was truly a big bang Hate was strangled - buried in the parklands On your 21 st – everybody did the paper dance There was love – There was spontaneous romance Everybody was Harry Potter with magic wands We learnt to fly without wings We baked memories & forged eternal links If we could – we would freeze-frame them moments And take them with us – all the way - to hell A...