Koffee with Karan – Rahul 'The Wall' Dravid

I was sitting at Mocha, across a lean {I was leaning too 'lecherously'}, raunchy, busty girl - wondering if they’re real or silicon, if she's has a bf or gf or husband - & what lie will I tell my wife if I ended up in bed with this piece-of-art & didn't return home tonight ---- the dildo'ish' vibration of my cellphone killed my far-fetched beautiful daydream

Me: Don’t leave a message - I'm either being eaten by fugly aliens or rotting-dead in a sewer

Karan: Heya man - I know you're fuckin with me -

Me: What up home-boy

Karan: Could ya do me a solid

Me: Do not even dare to ask me to watch Agneepath again

Karan: Nope! it ain't that - I was scheduled to interview Dravid - but I've got a severe case of diarrhea - could ya fill in for me

Me: I've got your back bro

Karan: Aren't you a star

Me: Alrite! now don't get all gay on me

Karan: Gotta run - I'm totally screwed {he disappears to the bathroom}

Me: Rahul Dravid huh! What a beauty

Fast-Forward to the Interview Night - Rahul Dravid enters the studio – It’s time to roll

Me: Hey! {I extend my hand} make yourself comfortable
Dravid: Hello {sits after a girlie handshake}

Me: I’m filling in for Karan – he’s gone for a sex change

Dravid: {embarrassed & stunned at my cheekiness}

Me: I’m just messing around - he’s got stomach upset – so he’s out

Dravid: Hope he gets better soon

Me: {who cares}

Me: On 14 December 2011, you became the first non-Australian cricketer to address at the Bradman Oration in Canberra – how was the feeling

Dravid: Like Magic

Me: Like getting ‘laid’ {I said in hush-hush}

Dravid: Sorry

Me: Oh! Nothing

Me: It was my friend’s birthday on 9^th March - the day you retired – He told me ‘God couldn’t have given him a better present’ -- what a prick

Dravid: Touché {being a good sport}

Me: Did you make the call or BCCI & Dhoni forced you out

Dravid: It was definitely my call {he said with ‘sincerity’ – but I wasn’t gonna give-in so easy]

Me: You can tell me – Everything you tell me – stays with me {I said assuringly}

Dravid: We’re on live TV

Me: Crap! My bad {faking embarrassment at my stupidity}

Me: Moving on. You never liked being called ‘The Wall’ –

Dravid: I’m not a big fan of it

Me: I wish somebody called me ‘The Wall’ – never get what you want

Me: I’ve always admired your selfless play but I firmly believe when push-came-to-shove you always chickened out

Dravid: Could you be specific here

Me: Sure. You got bullied by Greg Chappell – or as my 14-year-old crackpot cousin says – ‘He got Bitch-slapped’ – Even Ravi Shastri agrees with me & my dickhead cousin

Dravid: I’ve tremendous respect for Ravi but even he isn’t privy to what goes on in the dressing room {so boring – me snoring}

Me: Is it true that Harbhajan bullies Sachin in the dressing room & makes him dance to Munni – Sheila – Chikni Chameli

Dravid: I’ve never witnessed any such fun activity

Me: Do you reckon Sachin is selfish

Dravid: I wouldn’t say that

Me: You wouldn’t or you shouldn’t {me being a cheeky bastard}

Dravid: {Looks around – clears his throat}

Me: I precisely remember when Sachin was batting selfishly ‘slow-as-snail’ on 194 - you declared the innings

Dravid: It was the right call – It was for the team

Me: Really! Sachin went ballistic in the press – but you never came out to explain yourself

Dravid: I didn’t find that necessary

Me: Bloody hell it was {I said without raising my voice} – but you chose peace over truth – you wanted to maintain status quo – even Ganguly concurs with me

Dravid: Ganguly has a right to opinion – I respect that {c’mon man – don’t be so diplomatic}

Me: You know what - I’m still baffled at Dhoni’s gutlessness when he declared with India needing 86 of 90 with 7 wickets in Hand – You & Laxman were at the crease – again you failed to raise a voice

Dravid: It wasn’t my call

Me: But you could have protested

Dravid: It is not the correct protocol

Me: No wonder - with that attitude India was blanked 4-0 – in England & Oz

Dravid: We had 2 bad series –

Me: I guess no one showed up – although you did in England – you were a class apart

Dravid: {too humble to answer}

Me: Alrite! why did you give-up captaincy after England tour in 2007

Dravid: I had stopped relishing the role {Thank god for a direct answer}

Me: Fair enough {pause} - You played magnificently on your last tour of England but failed miserably in Australia –

Dravid: My feat weren’t moving well in Oz

Me: I reckon it was more of a mental thing – they kept bowling you in-cutters - your head got cluttered resulting in you being bowled in almost all innings & scoring way below-par

Dravid: In the hindsight – I probably agree with you on this {woo hoo}

Me: You said it was most frustrating & hurtful to drop catches than getting clean bowled

Dravid: I hated when I dropped catches – it stays with me even now

Me: True

Me: Are you aware that a video of your batting when you scored - 3 runs of 61 balls - in Bangalore in 2001 versus England is used in an experiment to cure Insomnia?

Dravid: It won’t surprise me if that were true – I myself have fallen asleep watching me bat
Me: {Almost start rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter}

Me: The recording of your - 14 runs of 109 balls in Melbourne 1999, is being used to torture hardened criminals & guess what - ‘It is working’

Dravid: I’m glad to be of any use

Me: And you hold the world record for facing most balls - Are you also so boring in real life

Dravid: You gotta ask my friends that

Me: You have friends {feigning shock]

Dravid: {Taken aback}

Me: Kidding

Dravid: {Smiles}

Me: Has Sachin told you when he plans to retire –

Dravid: That’s the million-dollar question isn’t it

Me: Damn right it is

Dravid: Sachin doesn’t speak in the dressing room – he either talks to his wife on his iphone or listens to yo yo honey singh on his ipod

Me: Do you like yo yo honey singh

Dravid: Not me - but Laxman worships him

Me: Laxman gave a ‘media bite’ upon your retirement - He said 'I'll miss Rahul bhai in the slips' - It has left me infuriated – hurt beyond repair

Dravid: Why so {mildly puzzled}

Me: See what he is truly saying is – ‘I ain't retiring till the next World Cup’ - he's the laziest – un-fittest player in the history of the game

Dravid: You're forgetting Ranatunga {immediately regretting his impertinence}

Me: Oh well! Do you reckon Sehwag will return to the squad?

Dravid: Spectators would definitely hope so

Me: And me too – I hope you play for many more years in the IPL & hit massive sixes

Dravid: I’ll give it my 'best shot'

Me: ‘Like always’ Sir – Thank you for coming in – It was beautiful to have you here.

Dravid: Likewise {He smiles - shakes my hand ‘firmly’ this time & walks away}

Me to the Audience: Bloody Hell – what a day – grilling Dravid – he never lost his composure – I’m darn sure there will never be another Dravid – I’m gonna go out on a limb here - & - bet my ass on that ;)