God was Murdered

The Final Frontier – The Day Manchester City ‘Arrived’ City dominated most of the season, only to slip away in the final quarter. Then came the greatest gift - United threw away 8-point advantage in a totally uncharacteristic way. So here we're on the last day of English Premier League on Mother's Day (13th May 2012) - Equation is simple - City to beat QPR and lift the coveted trophy for the first time in 44 years. Actually it was simpler than simple - here's why Coming into the match City had won 22 of 23 matches & drawn the other at Etihad - Etihad was fortress unbreached -- And QPR, a bottom-4 team had lost 6 matches on the trot away from home. And City had beaten {not even dropped a point} to any of the bottom-9 teams this season. So odds of QPR capsizing the City ship were higher than Titanic had 100 years ago - but didn't Titanic sink - Well not so fast - let the games begin. Sport is not mathematical - it is no science - Hi...

 --- Nothing binds people like Alcohol - It is the most complete product of human civilization. Except for pregnancy (a.k.a stupidity) it suits all weathers of life - Sad, Horny, Happy, Suicidal, PMS, Screwed, Constipated, Bipolar or feeling awesome(ly) Sexy - Alcohol never fails you in any of these precious moments of life I hear tons of praise for cocaine & hash & how cool they're - but I'm not into snorting/smoking/injecting - I mean no disrespect to all the fuckers who do -- total respect from the bottom of my heart Karan & Me had become chaddi-buddies after the Bin Laden episode - The rare interview had brought the house down - The ratings of 'Koffee with Karan' had touched unprecedented heights - This brought Me & Karan closer {No! not in the sexual way} I was feeling depressed, Tanya had dumped me for a richer, balder, uglier, fatter guy {uncle}. I hadn't even cheated on her like I did with (all) my ex-girlfriends - I k...

I am a cusp between Messi & Rooney – Messi not in mad skills but in midget height – Rooney not in machismo but in ugliness. Born with no deformities but a Gift – thought Xenophobia was a gift – hated doctors & nurses instantaneously – But soon realized I hated All Mankind with equal vengeance – A bloody Misanthrope – Futbal came to my rescue & became my soulmate - It was like Calvin & Hobbes – In spirit & uselessness – I was mind-blowingly pathetic in academics – had no friends – A fact misanthropic lunatic can’t complain but cherish – But the levels of my human phobia were so high that I turned a legendary almost gay; team sport like futbal into a narcissistic loner (Read: Loser). I played against a mute brick wall. I got married to a quadruple divorced rich lady - whom no one wanted to touch. We made love (Yikes) & had quadruplets (Karma) – I got bored & filed for divorce – I got it; as judge adjudged her to be boring at par with Dalai Lama. ...

Karan Johar duped me into going to Abbottabad , Pakistan - to Interview - The Certified Terrorist No. 1 - Osama Bin Laden. Interview happened on 23rd April 2011 {exactly 9 days before the United States Navy Seal killed & buried him at sea} --- Flashback 21st April 2011 After refusing my advances for over a year - Tanya finally agreed to go on a candle-lit dinner & dance date with me - I was on top of the moon & hoped soon to be - on top of her - fingers crossed - contraceptives stocked The horrible ringtone of my phone & the over-zealous voice on the other side of it thwarted my moment of pure lustful happiness. Karan: You wouldn't believe this - I've procured Osama's number & he's agreed to do an Interview with us - How crazy cool is that shit man Me: You're saying you pulled off something CIA & FBI couldn't in 10 years Karan: This is real man - real as the twin tower crash -- I got lucky I suppose - Me: ...

A Candid - No-holds barred - conversation between a 21-year-old Radio Jockey {Aashima Talwar} & a 22-year-old Native Gurgaon Boy --- I {Aashima Talwar} wake-up with a hangover - shoes still on – hair messy – I look like a shipwreck – perfect aftermath of too many Tequila shots & Vodka golgappe last night in a glitzy Gurgaon club - I sit like a zombie on my dinner table – a cup of strong black coffee in my right hand as I flip the newspaper - 'The Delhi Times' - the main paper is sitting {along with egg shells} in the bin - main is full of puke inducing pictures of a perpetually constipated Pranab da Holy Shit! Holy Shit! I can't believe what I'm reading here -- there's a page full of girls holding up placards - there's unbelievable nonsense printed on them - they read: Real Men: Adore, Cherish, Respect women Are you fucking kidding me - There is not an iota of truth in this - I'm a girl & I know men - I face & d...

I was sitting at Mocha, across a lean {I was leaning too 'lecherously'}, raunchy, busty girl - wondering if they ’re real or silicon, if she's has a bf or gf or husband - & what lie will I tell my wife if I ended up in bed with this piece-of-art & didn't return home tonight ---- the dildo'ish' vibration of my cellphone killed my far-fetched beautiful daydream Me: Don’t leave a message - I'm either being eaten by fugly aliens or rotting-dead in a sewer Karan: Heya man - I know you're fuckin with me - Me: What up home-boy Karan: Could ya do me a solid Me: Do not even dare to ask me to watch Agneepath again Karan: Nope! it ain't that - I was scheduled to interview Dravid - but I've got a severe case of diarrhea - could ya fill in for me Me: I've got your back bro Karan: Aren't you a star Me: Alrite! now don't get all gay on me Karan: Gotta run - I'm totally screwed {he disappears to the bathroom} ...