Imtiaz Ali, Kangana Ranaut & Parineeti Chopra (Koffee with Karan)

Every dog has his day. I’m having mine as we speak. After years of getting dumped unceremoniously, rejected with ridicule, treated like I’m from the lowest of the lowest places: Bihar. And dating-mating obesely fat girls. I’ve become Swiss chocolate. I’ve suddenly become edible. Somehow my fugly looks, being broke, lack of muscles, bad hair & assoholic attitude have become girl-magnet. And I’m talking about California-hot girls. Let’s cut to the chase: I’ve four smokin girlfriends right now. Jealous huh, damn right you should be.

I’m stupid but not stupid enough to believe this is forever. Soon these four princesses will realise what a loser their boyfriend is. So I’m gonna make the most of it till it lasts. And ‘get some’.

Anyway, after a long hiatus I’m back as proxy host of Koffee with Karan. KJo can’t make it as he’s busy shooting for Anurag Kashyap’s Bombay Velvet. Mr. Kashyap is clearly outta his mind. KJo is the prime antagonist: The Villain. Disaster casting I gotta say.

Conspiracy Theory: Is Karan the reason behind ‘the break’ between Anurag & Kalki. If this is true then this is bigger than the greatest story of all time* (*Michael Jackson woke up one day & he was white).

On this odd rainy & sunny day, I’m hosting Imtiaz Ali (Fuzzy hair boy), Kangana Ranaut (Fuzzy hair girl) & Parineeti Chopra (smoothened straight hair).

They’re all in & seated. Let’s rip.

‘Hey, boys & gals. Karan would’ve hugged & kissed you & all that cheesy gay stuff. I’m not gay & I consciously avoid touching celebrities. Who knows where your head has been. Mostly you got it well up your assess’. They’re already regretting coming over. ‘Now, Imtiaz’ he wakes from his trance & looks at me. ‘You recently said “Highway is my best film”. True or media twisted your words’

‘That’s true’

‘Seriously man, you must be doing some serious crack.’ I say with disappointment. ‘When a man who’s made Jab We Met & Rockstar, claims a mediocre, half-hearted, good intentioned shit of a film like Highway being his best, he’s gotta be losing it up there’ I point to his brain. Imtiaz barely blinks, calm as dinosaur. I know he’s come smoked up. {I want some. Later}

‘You’re right. My views about Highway are clouded. I’ve lived with it for 15 years. Highway is my first love, my baby. Yes, it didn’t turn out the best. But hey man, no regrets’. Imtiaz says & disappears into his world.

I turn to Parineeti. ‘Alright Ms Chopra how are you doing today’ before she could answer I continue. ‘In an interview you claimed to meet David Beckham almost every day while working for Manchester United between 2006 & 2009’. She doesn’t answer right away, a bit sceptical if I will try to cut her off again. I don’t.

‘Yes, I did & by the way I’m doing well today, Mr Whoever you’re’. Bitch.

‘Good for you, love.’ I smile, like I always do before I sucker punch someone. ‘Beckham was kicked outta United in 2003, so how on earth you met him every day between 06 & 09’ I shoot her where it hurts. Suck on that, bitch. Ms Chopra goes pale. Like a mothafrickin Cobra bit her in the ass. Kangana & Imtiaz turn their heads gently toward Ms Chopra. Is Kangana drunk? What is wrong with these idiots?

I poke when Parineeti doesn’t answer. ‘Did you forget your hearing aid, Ms Chopra? You want me to repeat myself’.

‘See, whoever you’re, I’m not into Football, I must have mistaken someone else for Beckham’ she finally vomits. Is she for real? Is there a limit to stupidity? Perhaps not.  

‘Are you telling me you’re so stupid that you kept mistaking someone for David & no one corrected you for 3 frickin years?’

‘Hey, ask Kangana something, she’s falling asleep’ Ms Chopra shrugs. Rolling her eyes, mouthing hindi obscenities under her breath. I let her off the hook for now.

‘Kangana……Kangana’ she seemed lost. ‘Do I smell Scotch? Are you sleeping?…….Kangana?’

She shakes herself and says ‘I haven’t been sleeping well since Queen became a phenomenal success. Everyone loves me now’. I see parallels in me & Kangana. SSS (Sudden Shock Success).

‘I’ve seen Queen twice & I gotta say if this were a Hollywood film, you’d have scored an Academy nomination for certain’. Kangana smiles like an alcoholic. Parineeti is pissed. Imtiaz is staring at the carpet.

‘I’m the best actor in Bollywood but until Queen happened nobody cared coz my surname isn’t Chopra, Kapoor or Bachchan’. True that. Parineeti is further pissed. I’m simply stunned how much Kangana’s English has improved since Gangster days. She used to be worse than Inzamam. I ask Imtiaz before Ms Ranaut can go on boasting & bitching.

‘Imtiaz, you & Vishal Bhardwaj went to Hindu college?’ He nods affirmatively.  

‘He’s six years older than you, Imtiaz. How on earth were you guys in the same college. Are you also bullshiting media like Ms Chopra & Ms Kaif’? Apparently, Katrina Kaif’s story of a Kashmiri father is bogus. In fact she was given the surname Kaif coz in those days cricketer Mohammad Kaif was real big.

‘I don’t know, man. He must have failed & shit or something. I’ve photographs of us drinking. He introduced me to drinking’. Imtiaz answers nonchalantly. I love his composure. The lad doesn’t get rattled.

‘I believe you, Imtiaz’ I say with my fist on my chest. Respect. Like Ali G would do. Parineeti is starting to hate me, totally.

‘Parineeti, you can hate me for exposing your fake ‘meeting every day with Beckham’ story but frankly it was dumb of you to say that’. Ms Chopra doesn’t respond. No comments mode.

I continue. ‘I’ve seen three of your films, Ladies vs. Ricky Behl, Shudh Desi Romance & Hasee toh Phasee’ she gears up for another assault. ‘I gotta say you absolutely sparkled in all three’. She’s stunned at the praise. Sucker punched again. Sweet sucker-punch. I smile. She smiles in relief. ‘Frankly, I’m a big fan. And that is exactly why I felt hurt when I read about the nonsense Beckham story’. There was dead silence. Then she broke it. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that crap. And I’m amazed how no one saw through it. I mean it was so obvious, right’

‘Coz we’re a country of ignorant idiots who think Beckham still plays for United & girls who wear hot pants are sluts. And our mothers have never had sex’ I said as Imtiaz slipped a joint into Kangana’s handbag. ‘What’s that?’ I pounced. Imtiaz shrugged. Jesus Christ, he better save some stuff for me.

‘Are you two related?’ I asked. Kangana & Imtiaz.

‘Not that I know of’ Kangana answered. Geez, her English has seriously improved. Got to be Gupta tutorials.

‘I mean you both have terribly delicious hair’. They look at each other & smile. Don’t tell me there’s something fishy between them two. God, I don’t wanna know. I glance at the girls.

‘Now I want the truth & just the truth & nothing else.’ I have their attention. ‘Have you girls ever gone under the knife’ I spit it. ‘Yes’ they respond proudly. Wow, I love the honesty.

‘But don’t ask what all is fake.’ Parineeti winks at me. Kangana seems to be looking at the joint Imtiaz had slipped into her bag.

‘I’m a certified asshole but I won’t go there.’ I assure. Parineeti smiles again. Suddenly we’re getting along famously.

‘I hear Alia said you need to fire your stylist instantaneously coz you dress like a behenji’

‘I know she did. But I don’t blame her. I’ve had million fashion faux-pas.’ She accepts. ‘I’ve improved since though. What do you think?’

I stare her up & down. ‘Oh!..........Oh, you mean this is improvement.’ She's still badly dressed. ‘Seriously, how bad was it before?’. Barring Imtiaz all laugh at that one. I wave at Imtiaz.

‘Imtiaz, did you cast Alia for Highway coz she was young & stupid?’

‘Young & raw. And she totally nailed the final scene’ he pointed.

‘True that’. He was right. ‘Barring Jab We Met, all your actresses have been terrible actors with funny surnames: Butt, Fakhri, Takia’

‘Fakhri is funny’ he genuinely found that funny. I love this guy.

‘Why did you cast Nargis, she was god awful’

‘I loved her personality. Something infectious about her’ I knew what he was talking about.

‘Alright, fair enough. But why Ayesha Takia’

‘I couldn’t afford anyone else. And she did alright’. Imtiaz says it like it is.

‘What’s next?’

‘Window Seat with Ranbir & Dipika’

‘Hot’ I say. ‘What about these two ladies. Will you ever work with them or they’re way too good actresses for your taste’. Everyone laughs at that one.

We wrapped it all up with a group hug, tight & cuddly. I swear to god I hated it but I didn’t have the heart to refuse these beautifully talented douchebags.

P.S. Here’s something off the records. Imtiaz was in fact carrying some ‘good shit’. We all rolled up a joint & smoked on the sets of Koffee with Karan. I think this was the first time something of this nature happened on KJo’s sets. Karan doesn’t smoke up. He’s a little girl about it. Then we rolled up another one. And then came out such amusing & shocking secrets that if I share them here, I will break the circle of trust. And no I cannot afford to do that. Circle of trust is bloody everything. It is the Holy Fuckin Grail.  

But yes, I will not leave you high & dry. I’ll give you something to take home.

Somebody made out, and someone got lucky J