England will Whitewash India 5-0

WTC Final loss is a ball-breaking kick in the balls of Team India, which is staring at a 5-0 thrashing in England.

I know millions of patriotic fans & BCCI-bankrolled pundits — suffering from Toxic Optimism — are dismissing the WTC final as a one-off loss & attributing it to India’s recent —& well-earned— reputation as slow-starters.

But correlation isn’t causation — And England isn’t India or Australia. There will be no viciously spinning pitches or swing-unfriendly Kookaburra/SG balls. Dukes ball demands real balls & TTT [true test technique] to score heavily. 

India’s jaw-dropping win at Gabba to beat Australia in their backyard wasn’t the norm — it was a miracle. But it wasn’t a fluke either — Team India deserved that victory like Salman deserves his box office success.

But unlike Salman’s films, which achieve success due to his starving fans who will eat anything Salman cooks, International Sport is brutal like Tsunami. The ‘237 not out’ you made in the 1^st innings means fuck-all when you come out to bat in the 2^nd innings. You start on a big fat — Zero.

Apart from Dukes ball & spin-unfriendly pitches, there are 

Six solid reasons India will be thrashed in England. 

1.  Missing — Bumrah’s Edge

Big Claim: Bumrah is the greatest fast bowler India has ever produced. And he has worked his ass-off to reach where he has. 

Biggest Claim: Bumrah of 2021 has lost his edge. And I’ve this horrible feeling that it’s lost forever. Bumrah’s desire to be a great test bowler is missing as obviously as the Twin Towers in Manhattan.

P.S. I can blame his Shaadi & the IPL riches, but I won’t — I blame Bumrah.

2.  Missing — Pujara & Kohli’s Big Scores 

Pujara has shown ridiculous resolve & technique over the years. He’s often hailed as slower Dravid. But Pujara is no longer the 137 off 385 deliveries batsman. He’s become a 17 of 91 deliveries batsman. Pujara may still salvage a draw for India in England, but I don’t know if he can make India win a test.

Kohli hasn’t scored a century in 2 years — it sounds so absurd yet it’s bloody true. If Kohli doesn’t find his big-scoring mojo in England, India will not win anything.

3.  Missing — Fast-Bowling All-Rounder

India had been waiting for the next Kapil Dev for decades. The wait ended with the arrival of six-pack Hardik Pandya. But it turned out to be an optical illusion. Pandya has made a practical decision to stay away from back-breaking & badly-paying test cricket.    

Controversial Claim: If Team India had a fit-&-firing fast-bowling all-rounder, India would’ve won the WTC final.

4.  Missing — Fitness for 5 Tests

It will be crazy if I were to question Team India’s ability. Bloody third-string Team India destroyed Australia in Gabba. But it will be even more ridiculous if I didn’t question Team India’s commitment to fitness. 

All the ability counts for fuck-all if the players don’t have the fitness levels of a top athlete. Batsman & Spinners can still get away with decent fitness, but fast bowlers have to be in top shape to be lethal & also not break-down in the middle of the test match/series. 

Barring Kohli, no one is in top shape. Even India’s most impressive fast bowler in the WTC final — Shami— has a visibly not-so-flat stomach. And Rohit Sharma’s paunch & chins are more in-your-face than Kim Kardashian’s heavy-duty breasts.

Controversial Claim: Since IPL got suspended in May, I really wonder if Team India players really trained to be ready for a six-test [including WTC final] series in England. There’s a difference between bowling 4 overs in a T20 match & 40 overs in a Test match & 240 overs in 6 tests. 

Indian pacers got tired in a rain-marred test against New Zealand. I’m scared as fuck to even imagine what will happen in the upcoming 5 Tests.

5.  not-Missing — England’s Fast Bowling Goldmine

Big Claim: Even with Sir Jofra injured, English pace-bowling line-up looks as daunting as the great West Indian Fearsome-Foursome in the 70s/80s. 

Anderson-Broad-Wood-Woakes-Stokes-Stone-Robinson are like cheetahs waiting to pounce & destroy India’s batting line-up.

6.  Qorona — The Invisible Miracle 

Rishabh Pant tested positive for the invisible virus. A senior coach and two players are also quarantining for 10 days. Quarantining & not training or playing warm-up matches when you’re already under-prepared is like getting kicked out of a car in the middle of an express highway & then getting hit by a jumbo trailer truck. 

India can’t afford QoronaQuarantine. If Kohli & Bumrah are forced to quarantine, India might as well be looking at multiple innings’ defeats as the cherry on England’s 5-0 cake. 

Nine Reasons Why India will not lose 5-0

1.  The English Weather: The rains almost saved India in the WTC final. India will hope roaring rains will help them draw at least one match.

P.S. Light-Meter loving Umpires’ fetish to stop play even if there’s a drop of rain or when it’s not bright as Abu Dhabi will work like magic for India.

2.  Joe Root’s Embarrassingly Defensive Captaincy: Root is a gun batsman & with three double-centuries in 2021, Joe’s on fire. His on-field captaincy is adorably proficient. But when it comes to declaring or scoring fast or pressing for a victory, he’s an absolute coward.

3.  England’s Ordinary Batsmen: Unlike the lethal fast-bowling line-up, English batsmen are average at best. As long as Indian bowlers are close-to-their-best, India has a chance of sneaking one win.

4.  Kohli — The Bloody Champion: Every time Virat is challenged, he rises. Though he hasn’t scored a century since 7000BC, I’m totally expecting him to score 2-3 big scores in England. 

5.  Ashwin’s Overseas Confidence: I’ve always been super critical of Ashwin for his mankading & overseas flopshows. I’ve made peace with mankading now. And Ashwin’s performance in Australia has proven that he’s the real-deal. P.S. Ashwin just took 6/27 in the warm-up match against Somerset.

6.  Dom Bess: If England plays Dom Bess, India’s morale & chances of victory will sky-rocket like bitcoin in recent times.

7.  Objective Team Selection: In the WTC final, India selected their best players during the WTC cycle instead of selecting the best players that will give India the best chance of winning the WTC final. Against England, Team India must select horses for courses.

8.  England’s Ridiculous Rotation Policy: If England continues to rotate & rest their best players, India will dance their way back to the party.
P.S. England has now formally dumped the rotation nonsense. India really can’t catch a break :)

9.  Kidnapping, Koncussion, Korona: If England’s players suddenly fall sick, go missing, or break their buttocks, India will Kash in.  

Final Word

I give India absolutely zero chance of beating England. 

Worst Case Scenario: 5-0 England

Best  Case  Scenario:  2-1 England

Final Controversial Claim: This series will end a few careers. Some Indian bowlers/batsmen will not play a test match in SENA [South Africa-England-New Zealand-Australia] countries ever again.