Koffee with Karan -- Interview -- Abhishek ‘The Greatest Son’ of Bachchan

Like an avid fan should – you all gather in the living room at 9pm, to watch your favorite full-of-shit - you-kiss-my-ass & I’ll-smooch-yours - show – ‘Koffee with Karan’

You see me slouching on the couch instead of regular Karan Johar – you’re like ‘What the Frock’ – And before you return to normalcy – I start to speak

Me: I know you’re pissed off to see me instead of your favorite gay boy – but Karan is going through a rough time – Boyfriend troubles you see – So he’s taken a day off – I’m filling in for him.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan {once pretty} was to accompany Abhishek Bachchan {never pretty} for the interview but she pulled out last minute. Bitch. So it is going to be Me & Abhishek – Oh! He’s here

Me: Heya Abhishek – please make yourself comfortable {pointing towards the couch – not bothering to get up & shake his hand – Who knows where they’ve been}

Abhishek: Where’s Karan {as he sits}

Me: Oh! I shouldn’t say {pretending sly}

Abhishek: Com’on it can’t be so bad {pretending to be kewl}

Me: Well! His boyfriend ‘Guneet’ dumped him unceremoniously –

Abhishek: I warned him about that basterd {feigning indignation}

Me: But isn’t that what you did to Dipannita in 2006 to be with Aish

Abhishek: Huh! I’m sorry {caught off-guard - uncomfortably shuffles on the couch}

Me: You should be to Dipannita {I say dryly}

Abhishek: Karan would never ask such inflammatory questions – I miss him already

Me: Alrite moving on – Big B, your father, said in 2007, that he watched ‘Guru’ 32 times on the trot – it made him cry

Abhishek: Yes it did make him cry

Me: So did he watch it 32 times

Abhishek: No! He did for about 3 times & that’s what he said – but there was a typo – so instead of 3 it came out 32

Me: Good that you gave the clarification – coz no one can watch your film 32 times & still be alive

Abhishek: {Gives miffed looks}

Me: What happened to your voice in the climax of Guru, it was like the Ghost of your father had entered you

Abhishek: I’ve to be honest here & accept that Dad did the dubbing for the final monologue – all I did was lip-sync

Me: So you’re saying it is his voice – Boy! That is plain cheating

Abhishek: No it is not – don’t we lip-sync songs all the time

Me: Smart – very smart {giving hi-fives}

Abhishek: {Smiling & showing his yellow teeth}

Me: {I’ve an epiphany} Oh my god how can I forget  – Congratulations on becoming a proud Father

Abhishek: Thank you – Are you married

Me: Listen this is my interview – So I get to ask the questions {a true asshole}

Abhishek: Hey whatever

Me: Madhur Bhandarkar said tons of shit about Aishwarya’s lack of ethics

Abhishek: He’s a shithead

Me: But don’t ya reckon Aish shouldn’t have got pregnant during the shoot of ‘Heroine’

Abhishek: You should ask Aish

Me: Yeah I would’ve but she ditched me last minute

Abhishek: She’s busy

Me: Me: With what {shrugging my shoulders} – she hasn’t got any films

Abhishek: You’re vicious

Me: She should’ve signed the now Vidya Balan starrer ‘Kahaani’ instead of ‘Heroine’ – then there wouldn’t have been any problems

Abhishek: She doesn’t want to look fat & ugly

Me: Too late for that {with a nasty smirk}

Abhishek: Are you calling my wife fat

Me: And ugly

Abhishek: I do not know what world you live in but she was Crowned Miss World

Me: In 1994 for frock sake

Abhishek: I would appreciate if you keep her out of this

Me: Absolutely – I must say I truly admire your perseverance

Abhishek: About {puzzled}

Me: About giving the maximum flops in the last decade & still being able to look yourself in the mirror

Abhishek: I do not have a mirror in my room

Me: What an Idea Sir Ji – If I looked like you – I wouldn’t either

Abhishek: That is mean

Me: {totally ignoring him} I hear you’ll reprise your role as ACP Jai Dixit in Dhoom 3

Abhishek: You’ve heard correct

Me: But didn’t you & your sycophantic father accused Dhoom & Dhoom 2 director of giving you minuscule role & then barking shit about you – saying you’ve a personality of a ‘dead rat’

Abhishek: They’ve changed the director {keeping a poker-face}

Me: Is the new director going to do something about your hair

Abhishek: What’s wrong with my hair

Me: Nothing but they look like………….never mind – howz the daughter – hope she hasn’t got your looks

Abhishek: Looks lot like Aish

Me: Hope the 90’s Aish

Abhishek: You’re an uncultured brat

Me: I’ll take that as a complement – And how was it working with one-expression actors like Bobby Deol, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Bipasha, and Sonam in Players – you must have felt at home

Abhishek: They’re all dear friends & great actors

Me: Great actors like Kishan Kumar & Fardeen Khan {Kiss my hairy ass} –

Abhishek: {misses the sarcasm}

Me: Why do you reckon ‘Players’ flopped

Abhishek: I believe the movie bombed because of its January release – Jan is a horrid month

Me: Who are you kidding Abhishek – the movie bombed coz you starred in it

Abhishek: You can’t justify that

Me: This is your 7^th straight super-flop – is that a justification enough

Abhishek: Flops & Hits are part of every actor’s career

Me: But your part only appears to have Flops –

Abhishek: Wait till Dhoom 3 & Dostana 2 – you’ll be eating your words

Me: Yep! {rolling my eyes}

Abhishek: {Gives me ‘that’ look}

Me: Would you allow your daughter to enter the film industry or you’ll turn out to be a hypocrite like your father

Abhishek: Firstly my father isn’t a hypocrite – you must apologize {looks pissed}

Me: I will not apologize for upholding the truth – he didn’t let your sister work in the industry

Abhishek: She never liked the film industry

Me: Now that’s a joke – everybody loves limelight

Abhishek: Do you have any other questions {obviously displeased}?

Me: I’ve only one question left – but I will only ask if you answer with all honesty

Abhishek: I’ll

-- Long Pause --

Me: Even with your poor dancing, acting, physique, hairstyle, and looks – you’ve been able to do Five Bollywood films a year & marry the once most beautiful woman in the world - 

Abhishek: {looks anxiously}

Me: Abhishek – Do you feel 'unfairly' blessed

Abhishek: {glancing at his Rolex} – Sorry I’m running late – Gotta run {He disappeared like the wind}

Me: {Looking at the audience} Bachchan dynasty is only second to Gandhi’s in India. The other day Mulayam Singh Yadav’s son Akhilesh Singh Yadav led SP to a landslide victory in Uttar Pradesh. It was either him or Rahul Gandhi led Congress.

We’re unable to see through the Dynasties – We’re still stuck in the feudal mentality – living in atavistic days – still prisoners of the past – Still hero worshippers – still cowardly

Yesterday Greg Chappell released his Book – ‘Fierce Focus’ – where he’s written tons of harsh things about India & the culture & the mentality

And we’ve all jumped on the bandwagon & started defending ourselves - throwing shit back at him –

Rather - It is time to sit back & reflect – And understand – And revise – And re-invent – And come Alive

P.S. - And continue not watching Abhishek Bachchan Films